I’m scattered right now, and i’ll edit this all (somehow) later, but i just wanted to post some moving stuff while it’s fresh.
Yesterday the universe conspired to have a different cosmic actor stand in on my part, and i saw all of the potential i have as a physical being burning through the blinds i usually keep drawn on any amount of tangible power i have.
I have never really been in a physical fight; i often wonder how i’ve managed to avoid it. I was certainly a prime target for picking on all through grade-school and beyond, but i’ve never had to defend myself from anyone before. So, to me, a split knuckle is pretty strange… a wide bloody red grin out at me from my right thumb.
Sometimes i get a violent urge, and it makes me wonder if we’ve all had guerilla warfare hard-coded into our genes. In the same way i went into “Hulk Smash” mode on Wednesday while packing, yesterday i again and again found myself lifting things twice as heavy as anything i’d ever be caught carrying otherwise, and in one instance virtually tossing my stereo down a flight of stairs.
Something else i’ve never really done is a stamina-intensive activity. I’m not exactly lazy: i’ve been known to walk all the way from my apartment to my house carrying bookbags and guitars and things (which is pretty much the span of metro philly – a nice walk), i enjoy pickup games of ultimate frisbee, and riding my bike might be my favourite thing to do outdoors other than sit on a swing. However, i am not someone who’s especially motivated by sporting competition or someone who’s self-motivated to do personally rewarding things like jogging and daily exercising.
What motivates me is a result. This is blatantly obvious at work, where i quickly attend to tasks with a numerical ending point or a specific goal, while ongoing projects like entering folders and proof-reading reports are left to be buried under the mess of my desk. So, asking me to clean or pack when i know i can move whenever i want to is futile, but if you put me up against a deadline and with five other people i turn into captain motivation. That is, i’m at least captain motivation until my legs turn to jelly from shuttling box after box up to the third floor of our new apartment. But, now the job is halfway finished, and i just have to leap a few more hurdles before i am home free.