Archives for December 2001
I had a flying dream last night. All i did was fly… not the clumsy sort of treading water or the awkward running leaps from my more usual dreams, but an actual taking off and gliding through the air. It was just every-day life plus flying until 5:27 when my computer fired its warning shot of “My Sharona” to let me know i only had another 4 hours of flying left. And, so, i did.
Walnut Street unexpectedly crests into a hill between 42nd and 43rd, and when i’m walking home at night i close my eyes on the way down and ignore my legs. It’s as close to flying as it is to attempting to be mugged, but it’s all i’ve got.
My one and only final begins in three and a half hours; it is for my Philosophy class — a subject i have a rocky history with. I don’t seem to be especially concerned about it, as i have already secured my required B and would need to get a perfect score to wind up with my beloved 4.0.
There’s two points that i want to make here, two forking paths from that simple introduction that very well might lead to the same place.
The first is that classes are grinding to a halt and i am left with a wide expanse of life in front of me. It feels Strange. I know that this break from worries and scholastic commitments only lasts three weeks, and that i have umpteen personal commitments already set to eat up my time. Still, i love the idea of living without pressure… it’s been literally an entire year since i’ve had even an entire week where i could forget about things like work and studying. Suddenly i am finding time for friends that i didn’t even realize i had shut out, and i’m happy to have them back. As if that wasn’t good enough, opening up on the other side of it is a quarter that is nearly exclusively populated by Communication classes that i am sure to love. It seems like a downhill glide from here back to co-op.
The other side is that One Year has gone by since i walked into this same situation. A year since that tiny apartment with its inescapable mess and my first flight in years looming on the horizon. I’m not so much concerned with all the things that happened in the time that intervened so much as i am concerned with the length of time. A year only represents one twentieth of my life now… a number that’s not nearly as significant as a tenth or a fifteenth. Lengths of time contract rather than expand, and the nearly two years it’s been since i first kissed someone doesn’t seem materially much longer than the over a year it’s been since i first played “Relief.”
I don’t know what i’m saying. Something to the effect of life keeps going on no matter what i tend to be doing with it. I should go study; somewhere in the pit of my stomach i really do want that A.
For Creative Writing i had to put together a portfolio of all the work i did this quarter, and at the last minute i decided to substitute some recent lyrics in place of a second free-verse that i wasn’t especially pleased with. Theoretically this was entirely fair game, but the thing about my lyrics is i didn’t really revise their content so much as i revised the context in which i used them. So, teacher’s pet that i am, i turned in a cd along with my final portfolio. On it were the following four songs… first grabbed out of their respective trio appearances, and then in these more essential versions.
Until You Awake – This is a song that was always meant to be delicate and intricate, but i never got the chance to strike the right balance in my previous attempts at it. Here is sounds nearly as i imagine it… cascading and balanced. I’m very happy with it.
(just an) Excuse – This is actually the original demo of the song, predating this season’s first Trio. However, it displays some of the directions it was meant to go in a little more accurately than subsequent recordings because here i had more time to prep the guitar-sound and recording range. This isn’t evolved the way “Awake” is; instead, it is more of a suggestion of where the song could be going.
Tangling – This is like a tease of a song… quiet and faded around the edges where the song is usually rambunctious and crackling. The reduction does it some amount of good … you can more easily see what i’m trying to achieve without having to look past the clipped microphone and stressed vocal chords. “Tangling” could very well be the simplest thing i’ve ever written — a sort of retro Beatles-imitation that pits that nebulous concept of “word on the street” against the notorious unnamed “girl.” I know for sure that i like the song, but i suppose the whole point is going to be where i go with it; this could be your only chance to hear it without having to be pulled in all of the various directions i’m trying to go in.
Tangled – Written as a twin to “Tangling,” this song got lost in the rush that was vying for a spot on Trio, yet somehow managed to turn up this week in (what felt like) an incredibly solid rendition (considering i had only played it once, previously). This version is perhaps more tentative then the Trio recorded the day before; it wasn’t meant for display the way the Trio was. This is a more static version, less magnetic … i am settling into the space of the song instead of filling them up so they can be better heard. It’s a simple thing, and much like “Tangling” it’s eventually going to become more about what i can add than about what i can strip away. For now, though, it’s as bare as the day it was born.
This is a nearly definite third of the material that i’ll be recording whenever i finally haul my ass back into the studio, and i’ve tried to distill it down to the most basic of its elements. As such, anything you might have to say about it will be welcome.
Sometimes my life is a town with a population of just one. It’s like living in Bumblefuck. It’s a hard thing, being the only voice and face i can hear and see for miles on end is my own. There’s only so much you can be in love with yourself; after that it gets a little lonely.
On Thursday it occurred to me for just a moment that maybe it was the loneliness that was getting to me more than anything else — that last week’s forced quarantine from anyone i cared about had left me feeling empty and alone. That my happiness is just a reflection of how happy i make other people. So, for the last three days i have given myself up to the people i love, without my typical hemming and hawing about the where and why of the situation. Thursday i sat and talked about things i never usually say. Friday i spent the entire night with someone who i value so much that i sometimes forget to even see them. Last night i sat on the floor at our brother-apartment down the street and ate dinner with over a dozen of my closest friends, and for once it felt like we were all there together and not just like we were scattered around talking like any usual party. It wasn’t a party; i know because i wasn’t miserable in the least.
My question is, how long can not being miserable in the least last? Does this mean i have to surround myself with other people all the time so that i don’t have the chance to think about myself at all? I’ve seen what happens… i eventually lose track of myself inside all of the pleasantries, and i wind up locking myself in my room with my guitar for an entire weekend to sort out my feelings. But, i don’t want to do that… i don’t want to be miserable or too inundated with happiness or feeling the need to be alone or any of it. I want to feel Balanced, and to do whatever i want to do regardless of any emotional indications of desperation or otherwise at the given time.
It remains to be seen if i can manage it.