I was going to bitch about how I have no money. That was our scheduled morning blog. Indeed, I have no money. Less money, in fact, than I did previous to beginning my fancy corporate job. Only thirty-three dollars more than the time that I threatened to throw my roommate’s possessions out into the street if he didn’t pay me back rent. Anyway, I had this whole lament planned about how costs increase with the increase of income, and how I’m really just a victim of Philadelphia’s nine-to-five cost of living. But, really I can track my newfound poverty to a few very specific sources: smoothies & shoes. And don’t let me tell you anything otherwise.
As for the first, you know those Christian Relief Network commercials where they play all the schmaltzy music and tell you that you could feed a child somewhere in the third world by giving up your shitty 7-11 large coffee every morning because, really, you’re better off with Maxwell House than buying coffee from a place with a 24-hour self-rotating hot dog grill, and also because starving children in the third world will not be receptive to Christianity unless they’ve received some nourishment first? Right. Well, I could probably keep an entire block of these underfed unfortunates supplied with more rice than they’ve ever seen in their life if I could manage to give up my daily smoothie/salad routine. The smoothie is nearly $4 for some strawberries, orange juice, sundry other fruit, and honey for my poor abused vocal chords. As Erika pointed out last night: for christssake, I’ll put some strawberries and OJ in a blender for you every morning if you pay me $20 a week. Which makes me think maybe the Christian Relief Network should just tap into the overpriced smoothie market.
Point being, I am ADDICTED to having a 20oz all fruit kick-off to my slam bang cube-shaped day, and between that and my narcotic-like addiction to Caesar dressing alternating with wasabi drenched salmon rolls I’m shelling out upwards of a Hamilton a day just on overpriced city nourishment, which is half convenience charge and half just being ripped the fuck off. Time to switch over to bag lunches.
As for shoes, I bought some shoes. Okay, I bought four pair of shoes. I couldn’t help myself – never before in my life have I allowed myself the luxury of having multiple shoe options for the same occasion! Imagine me, a creature of art and logic, confined to only a single pair of black dress shoes every morning! Now the pre-smoothie portion of my morning routine has been brightened by the endless possibilities (that would be three, for those of you who did *not* major in Communications). My quality of living has gone up immeasurably.
The one pair I am most enamored with is an otherwise dorky pair of Saucony running shoes that are bright orange. When I wear them I feel like I have springs on the bottom of my feet – they make me feel effervescent. Last week I wore them on casual day and became convinced that if I really put my mind to it I could perform complex wire-work choreography from The Matrix. One slim hallway seemed to call out to me every time I would pass it on the way to the restroom, screaming for me to pull a Trinity-in-the-Lobby and run up the wall, only minus the sexy black leather and shotgun, neither of which would go with my orange shoes anyway.
So, next time I bitch about how poor I am, just remind me that: a) I could be feeding starving children who could otherwise be born again b) I just spent more on shoes than I did on guitar related equipment in the last year and c) I am more easily amused than a squirrel in a Planters nut factory.