Bill (the Senior who i recorded with tonight, who happens to be the head of the aforementioned 8 to the Bar) seems to be convinced of my vocal talents despite the fact that i haven’t yet manifested any of them. At this point anyone online who has cared to hear me sing has heard me through the various audio on my site, and i think it’s clear that i’m not so bad as a potential indy rockstar but i’m not going to be cast in any musicals or super boy-groups anytime soon. Despite this, Bill claims on the strength of my old demo cd that i have a massive unlocked potential, and that as soon as i learn to sing with confidence and to support notes i will “have the kind of voice that gets cast as the lead in musicals.” Bill’s a nice guy, but i’ve never heard him build anyone else up in quite the same fashion as he does me. Either he thinks i need all the encouragement i can get (and i do), or he really has that much faith in me. Which is scary.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
Well, firstly, it’s been decided that my ex-girlfriend should have a monkier other than “she,” so we’ll call her Selina, as alluded to in the last post. Anyhow… Selina and i decided to talk by phone to air a few grievances, and suddenly the whole conversation swung like a pendulum from where it was this afternoon. Suddenly we were both sweet and we still liked each other, and we were polite, and we were trying to think of a way to be together without destroying each other.
My conflict is that i don’t know if her loving me is enough. I don’t want to go back just because i know she cares only to find myself trapped in six months, a year, or three years. I need to be able to believe that i’m good enough for anyone else to like me. At the same time, i’d hate to leave Selina behind because i like her so much and because she honestly likes me. But, what we just realized is that the reason she had such a devestating effect on my life is because she arrived in the absence of other priorities; the only things i was worrying about other than her were theatre and SurvivorBlog, and she wound up being involved in both of those anyhow. My guitar was forgotten, my friends neglected, and my classes failed. So, what conclusion did we just reach? Not sure… maybe that we should just be friends with benefits, or that we should just date casually and limit how much time we can actually spend together. Because, we both agree that i need to find my own life before i can make her a part of it (and i think she should do the same thing, but we never got that far in the discussion).
But, anyhow, i have a final to fail in about 9 hours, so i should be asleep. Yeah. Sure.
Wow, that was a long day. I’m not sure where it all went… i ushered for two concerts and talked a little bit to her and wound up in the recording studio engineering someone’s Senior Project.
Have you ever seen the second Batman movie? You know how Bruce Wayne and Selina Kyle are dating each other and fighting each other as Batman and Catwoman at the same time? The scene that always stuck out for me is when they’re making out at Bruce’s place and as they grope each other they catch all of the scars that they’d left on each other in their battles. Of course, neither of them says anything since their identities are supposed to be secret.
I was thinking a lot about that scene today. I don’t know exactly why, but it just felt accurate… like each of us had our Superhero selves in public and only ever revealed our secret identities to each other when we were all alone – and now when we’re alone all we can do is poke and prod at each others wounds without the other ever being able to say a damn thing about it.
It’s funny, because i hate dirt and mess. Hate it. It skeeves me out. However, for that exact fact i don’t like to clean. While i might be messy, i’m really not especially dirty, so i don’t see it as my job to clean dishes that have sat in the sink for two or three weeks while i was away from the apartment. However, some of those dishes were mine from the day i was lying on the floor with a 103 degree fever, so i washed them, and every dish i’ve used since then. Despite this, there are still dishes in my sink. Don’t ask me why, because i’d be forced to tell you.
Two new Trios, but with a two song overlap, so it’s not as though i did anything worthwhile. Yeah. I’m still trying to figure out why i’m awake… any ideas?
If you were to ask me why i just woke up at 9:30am on a Sunday, i couldn’t possibly tell you. I think it’s possible that my body has about as much sleep as it can absorb for the weekend, and i also kept waking up with my heart racing after having multiple nightmares about my Literature final. So, here i am. Yeah. Trio is being uploaded as we speak, and Matt (who is also awake, miraculously) brought Bishop from Shafted over to whine about being computer science majors. Hah! My liberal arts ass scoffs in their general direction!