Scary thought? I’ll probably rebound from Selina in some awful way, whether it be a truly unhappy relationship or just some dumb hookup i’ll regret. Even knowing that i shouldn’t do either thing i somehow see them looming on the horizon. Probably what will send me into a tailspin is if/when she dates someone else, because that will finally send the message that we are officially over without a hope of putting it back together. I’ll make sure to post all about that feeling.
For the record, though we only dated for two months, up until my pneumonia i was sleeping over her place three weekdays and every weekend (but hardly ever a Friday, because we would always fight on Fridays). We joked early in our second week that it already felt like we had been dating for a month or two because we were immediately so exclusive to each other, so two months taken as a whole feels easily as intense as half of a year. The relationship certainly had more impact on my than my last six months of class did … i learned more, and i failed more.
So, she’s gone now. Knowing she isn’t just a few blocks away somehow makes this all easier. I feel like we’re magnets with a positive and a negative pole each, and that we keep drawing close to one another only to get the wrong ends lined up so that we push each other away again. But, it’s all pointless, because i can’t go back. It’s not pride, which she seems to suspect it is. It’s just… she’s okay with settling for me even though i might not be the best thing for her, but i’m afraid to settle for anything right now. I told her i’d look her up in four years if she’d like and i think i might have really meant it … because there’s something remarkable about someone who you like so much that you can put your own misery aside to be with them. I just can’t appreciate that right now…
That’s actually a line from her journal, and it felt pretty relevant. I saw in going through the last few days of entries that she linked to my site (worlds colliding much?), so i want to return the favour now (if only so you can see the other side of the story), but i’d like to ask her first because she gets a tad more personal than i do in her log. So, Selina, if you read this, can you tell me whether or not i can link to you?
Sorry about the pathetic rambling, sometimes heartache takes all the sense out of a person… *Sigh*
I am booked for Monday and Tuesday in the studio to help engineer some tracks for one of my friends, and to start work on the demo. Yes. For real. And, if all else fails, i’ll at least bring back my horrible mix of “Punk.” I promise. You’ll hate it. I promise you’ll hate it.