I just recorded a Trio of four songs… both couples of songs. The new two from Thursday and the combo of “Splinter” and “Hold on Me.” I don’t know if i really want to upload it, because it feels a little too raw, but i want to have those songs on here to hear, so we’ll see. But, for now i have to go. *sigh* See you later.
Damnit, you’re not supposed to ask me to reconsider after i break your heart. You’re supposed to stay broken, like i am. You’re making me cry again; this was supposed to be the easiest way out. But, there’s not an easy way, is there? I know you’re reading this from time to time. I still love you, and i spent all last night whining to my friends that i obviously made a big mistake in breaking up and not working it out. But, i’m not so sure now. As much as i like *you*, i don’t know if i need *us* in my life right now. I wish it could just be easy and casual and simple, but we both actually do like each other too much … except i can’t show it because it intrudes on the rest of my life, and you show it all the time. This is entirely my fault, you know, and you’re still as beautiful and intelligent as the day i met you. More, actually. But… it felt like something destructive to me instead of constructive, and if i came crawling back now i’d never have the heart to break up with you again. And, eventually it will need to end. I just was stupid enough to make that eventually now…
I can’t get Bejeweled to load at all, and i’m severely addicted to it, and it really should load so i can start mindlessly clicking it so i can forget about the rest of life and just focus on those shiny little jewels. Grrrr…
Isn’t it sick how i use my personal misery as fodder for traffic? Ironically, i stubbornly refused to talk about her while i was dating her because it seemed like a private affair, but this log has always been about yearns and burns, and i’m definitely doing a lot more of both right now than i’ve been doing recently. Still, this does feel a little destructive – but it also feels rather cathartic: i can unload bits and pieces of it on my friends, but here i can unload all of it and have it to come back to as proof of what i was feeling. And, godforbid i ever lose track of a feeling … maybe i should have blogged about how much i liked her to begin with.
Hmph. G’morning. She seems to be reading this now, which is amusing because we had just both agreed not to read each other’s webpages a few days ago. To be fair, she probably caught wind of it from reading Post-sBlog2 and came over to see what i was saying. She just informed me that she was not drinking virgin drinks the entire night and that she got severely drunk, which is fine by me, but i know i saved her at least two or three shots worth of misery (which could have been the difference between drunk and getting hurt). Even having slept on her last comment (scroll down two posts, silly) made by email i don’t know what to do – and of course she read that i don’t know what to do and now knows that in reality she’s in control, because i didn’t really want to break up. But… i might want to stay broken up. I don’t know.
Well, that’s one to sleep on, isn’t it?
Meanwhile, after the party ended i wound up at ben’s dorm room, hanging out with Ben and his roommate and our castmate Sharon and playing electric guitar on the floor until i got sober. I don’t know if i’ve ever mentioned Ben … but i’m not actually friends with him. It’s more like being jealous of his whole being and also thinking he’s really cool (a long story, partially having to do with his golden voice and partially having to do with girls liking him) . Except… suddenly we’re friends, and we hug each other goodbye and have dumb guy conversations to annoy Sharon because she’s the only girl in the room. I think being friends with more guys who i genuinely like would really add something to my social status right about now, and if there was anyone i ever really liked it would be Ben.