If i post once more about all this relationship crap, someone ought to remind me to rename the blog “My life is like an open wound” or something apropos like that. While i’m sure watching me pick the scab off of my slowly healing heart once or thrice a day is very thrilling, it’s starting to make me feel like the lowest common denominator on the Blog foodchain (and eventually i think it might wind up leaving a scar). Of course, a lot of LCD things wind up being really popular. Wouldn’t it be funny if i wound up all popular and loved because of my romantic problems, when up until two months ago this whole log was about how my only romantic problem was a lack of a problem? Yeah… that’d be damn amusing.
Selina has me totally conflicted right now; i was convinced at a point last night that i could never be with her again but then i talked to her in the most non-confrontational way we’ve been able to muster up this weekend, and of course now i’m not sure of anything. She’s willing to bend to what i want from the relationship, even though all of this is entirely my fault. But, it’s true that we both want totally different things from each other and from dating, so if we were to ever get back together it would have to include a serious discussion of what we expect from each other. I told her last night how next term i’m already planning to spend my impending immense free time with friends, and that i don’t know if i’d have time for her the same way i did this term.
What’s funny is that we started off as friends. The first night we ever were together we decided to be best friends, and we seemed to uphold that decision the next night. But, as the weekend progressed, i started to like her as more than a friend. Selina correctly points out that all of this is my fault, because i kissed her first. That’s rather amusing, since i hardly knew how to kiss at the time, but i did. So, she can’t be the one to blame for the fact that we added all this to being best friends, and that maybe the friendship got lost in the mix; even if it is my fault, the friendship is my favourite part. I couldn’t go back without knowing for sure that we’re friends first. But i shouldn’t go back. But we both want to go back. Is there any point in denying what we both want to do? That seems about as stupid as committing to a relationship i’m not ready for before trying to get it right with anyone else.
So, basically i’ll be an idiot no matter what i do.
Leaving for my Literature final in half an hour, and i’m not prepared at all. As per instructions, i prepared a thesis and detailed notes for each of the five questions she might ask us on the final, only to find huge gaps in my knowledge of two of our novels, and that one of the poems i needed was MIA from my Literature folder. Of course, there is nothing the internet is good for if not for last minute preparations for Literature tests, and i found it easy to find the text i was missing as well as a few summaries of the five novels i read for my class so that i could refresh my memory of them without trying to speed-read all five. What’s important at this point isn’t really that i have a connection to any of the work, but that i have a quantifiable opinion on it. We’ll see about that in a half hour, won’t we?…
Whee! After a very quiet month on the ‘Ginger’ front, we finally have a piece of solid speculation. He basically takes what i’ve been assuming all along and actually holds it up against some of the patent drawings that’ve been floating around the internet. While i’m still not totally sold on how Kamen’s invention will be bigger than the internet, i think i’m beginning to see the ramifications of it. Go take a look for yourself.
Bill (the Senior who i recorded with tonight, who happens to be the head of the aforementioned 8 to the Bar) seems to be convinced of my vocal talents despite the fact that i haven’t yet manifested any of them. At this point anyone online who has cared to hear me sing has heard me through the various audio on my site, and i think it’s clear that i’m not so bad as a potential indy rockstar but i’m not going to be cast in any musicals or super boy-groups anytime soon. Despite this, Bill claims on the strength of my old demo cd that i have a massive unlocked potential, and that as soon as i learn to sing with confidence and to support notes i will “have the kind of voice that gets cast as the lead in musicals.” Bill’s a nice guy, but i’ve never heard him build anyone else up in quite the same fashion as he does me. Either he thinks i need all the encouragement i can get (and i do), or he really has that much faith in me. Which is scary.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
Well, firstly, it’s been decided that my ex-girlfriend should have a monkier other than “she,” so we’ll call her Selina, as alluded to in the last post. Anyhow… Selina and i decided to talk by phone to air a few grievances, and suddenly the whole conversation swung like a pendulum from where it was this afternoon. Suddenly we were both sweet and we still liked each other, and we were polite, and we were trying to think of a way to be together without destroying each other.
My conflict is that i don’t know if her loving me is enough. I don’t want to go back just because i know she cares only to find myself trapped in six months, a year, or three years. I need to be able to believe that i’m good enough for anyone else to like me. At the same time, i’d hate to leave Selina behind because i like her so much and because she honestly likes me. But, what we just realized is that the reason she had such a devestating effect on my life is because she arrived in the absence of other priorities; the only things i was worrying about other than her were theatre and SurvivorBlog, and she wound up being involved in both of those anyhow. My guitar was forgotten, my friends neglected, and my classes failed. So, what conclusion did we just reach? Not sure… maybe that we should just be friends with benefits, or that we should just date casually and limit how much time we can actually spend together. Because, we both agree that i need to find my own life before i can make her a part of it (and i think she should do the same thing, but we never got that far in the discussion).
But, anyhow, i have a final to fail in about 9 hours, so i should be asleep. Yeah. Sure.