I can’t get Bejeweled to load at all, and i’m severely addicted to it, and it really should load so i can start mindlessly clicking it so i can forget about the rest of life and just focus on those shiny little jewels. Grrrr…
Isn’t it sick how i use my personal misery as fodder for traffic? Ironically, i stubbornly refused to talk about her while i was dating her because it seemed like a private affair, but this log has always been about yearns and burns, and i’m definitely doing a lot more of both right now than i’ve been doing recently. Still, this does feel a little destructive – but it also feels rather cathartic: i can unload bits and pieces of it on my friends, but here i can unload all of it and have it to come back to as proof of what i was feeling. And, godforbid i ever lose track of a feeling … maybe i should have blogged about how much i liked her to begin with.
Hmph. G’morning. She seems to be reading this now, which is amusing because we had just both agreed not to read each other’s webpages a few days ago. To be fair, she probably caught wind of it from reading Post-sBlog2 and came over to see what i was saying. She just informed me that she was not drinking virgin drinks the entire night and that she got severely drunk, which is fine by me, but i know i saved her at least two or three shots worth of misery (which could have been the difference between drunk and getting hurt). Even having slept on her last comment (scroll down two posts, silly) made by email i don’t know what to do – and of course she read that i don’t know what to do and now knows that in reality she’s in control, because i didn’t really want to break up. But… i might want to stay broken up. I don’t know.
Well, that’s one to sleep on, isn’t it?
Meanwhile, after the party ended i wound up at ben’s dorm room, hanging out with Ben and his roommate and our castmate Sharon and playing electric guitar on the floor until i got sober. I don’t know if i’ve ever mentioned Ben … but i’m not actually friends with him. It’s more like being jealous of his whole being and also thinking he’s really cool (a long story, partially having to do with his golden voice and partially having to do with girls liking him) . Except… suddenly we’re friends, and we hug each other goodbye and have dumb guy conversations to annoy Sharon because she’s the only girl in the room. I think being friends with more guys who i genuinely like would really add something to my social status right about now, and if there was anyone i ever really liked it would be Ben.
shit shit shit shit shit. never read drunk emails from your ex-girlfriend less than half a day after regrettably breaking up with her…
should you wish to take back what you’ve done
I’ll forgive you without a moment’s hesitation
All the more sensitive and drunk parts were left out for all of our benefits, but … but … she offered me an out. I can swallow my pride (because i was stupid and it was entirely my fault) and go back to her and make it all work. But i shouldn’t. Or should i? Shit. Shit shit shit. Never read drunk emails from your ex-girlfriend at 4am, especially if you still love her, even if you’re totally sober.
So, i arrive at the party and have a drink made for me, because i’m a social drinker and i drink socially. Near the bottom of the drink, she showed up (not that i begrudged her the party, because they’re her friends too, but i didn’t think she was coming). What ensued was a hilarious competition to see who could get more hammered and have more lamentable flirtations in order to make the other person feel even worse. Of course, i kept on nursing the same drinks for most of the night, and i had instructed the entire party to make her virgin drinks so she only got a shot or two into her the whole time. So, i was blissfully numb and she was trying to be totally wrecked even though she wasn’t. And she slapped me a few times. But i’m sure i deserved it. Every few seconds of interaction there was actually a glimmer of that friendly smile – and that’s all i really want, at this point.