Well, this’ll give you something to stew over for the night, won’t it? I’m showering and then it’s off the the fairwell party, where nearly everyone i know at Drexel will be. So… it’s a safe place – lots of people who really care about me and my welfare. I promise to check back in when i wake up in the morning with details of all the incredibly stupid things i’m bound to do tonight. … well…i already did the stupidest one already, so it can only get better from here.
Wow, i’m a broken fucking record, eh? “And the emotions spun out of control and the bodies fit like a needle in the groove and after it was all over we couldn’t even muster up the strength to move.”
What’s funny is that my girlfriend didn’t like me drinking without her around, and i was going to be drinking tonight at the party. It’s funny, because the only time i drank this whole term was with her, but stories of my various semi-nude escapades and strip-tease lap-dancing get around, and make a girl jealous. But, what’s funny is that there’s nothing to be jealous of, because she’s the only girl i ever drank with and wound up dating. And the drunk part was inconsequential. And, yet, she was jealous. She couldn’t see that she was the only thing i liked, and then i went and broke up with her. To prove it, i guess.
Isn’t it funny how i’m going to a farewell party for Laurel tonight, because she’s leaving the country in a week or two, and so i broke up with my girlfriend. Did i just want to make sure that i really did like her more then i ever liked Laurel, just to prove that i really did like her and wasn’t just settling for her. Because… Laurel never liked me back. You can only like someone so much when they never return it..
shit… i think i’ve cried more this term than i have in any other year of my life since i was a little kid.
As of right now i can tell you it definitely feels like a bad idea. It felt like a bad idea when i said it, and after i said it, and when i got on the elevator, and when i walked outside. Obviously i still liked her or i wouldn’t be so torn up about this, and if i still liked her why would i break up with her? I know… inside of me i saw all the little things that made me unhappy and i said “get out now, before you have too much momentum to get out.” In a way i was right: breaking up tonight was the hardest thing i ever had to do, and the worst thing i’ve ever done to another living person in my life. It would not have been easier to do tomorrow, or the next day, or next week, or next month. Basically, if i didn’t break up with her now i don’t think i ever would, and i don’t like what that implies. Of course, now i’m exactly what i didn’t want to be: another evil ex-boyfriend. But, if i broke up with her in the easiest way i could, not even blaming her for anything, you have to wonder if all of her boyfriends are evil for a reason. Or not. But, i’m definitely evil, and i definitely feel like shit right now. Shit.