As of right now i can tell you it definitely feels like a bad idea. It felt like a bad idea when i said it, and after i said it, and when i got on the elevator, and when i walked outside. Obviously i still liked her or i wouldn’t be so torn up about this, and if i still liked her why would i break up with her? I know… inside of me i saw all the little things that made me unhappy and i said “get out now, before you have too much momentum to get out.” In a way i was right: breaking up tonight was the hardest thing i ever had to do, and the worst thing i’ve ever done to another living person in my life. It would not have been easier to do tomorrow, or the next day, or next week, or next month. Basically, if i didn’t break up with her now i don’t think i ever would, and i don’t like what that implies. Of course, now i’m exactly what i didn’t want to be: another evil ex-boyfriend. But, if i broke up with her in the easiest way i could, not even blaming her for anything, you have to wonder if all of her boyfriends are evil for a reason. Or not. But, i’m definitely evil, and i definitely feel like shit right now. Shit.
What’s funny is that i really don’t have anything mean to say. Even though i’m the one that broke up with her, i think she was the most perfect first girlfriend in the universe and i’d never trade my time with her for anything else. It was just… it just felt like we reached an end. Maybe we had just reached a fork in the road and i’m a blind man so i walked right off the side of the path. Who knows? In six months i’ll make sure to remind you all whether this was a really bad idea or not.
Maybe it only feels like shit because i feel so unattractive and i’m not sure i can ever find anyone beautiful who will like me ever again. Maybe it feels like shit because i established a routine with her and now it’s over and i’m just here. Maybe it feels like shit because i know that i still like her, but that it just wasn’t working. Maybe it feels like shit because we were probably in love. Maybe it feels like shit because i know this is hurting her a lot more than it seems to be hurting me. Maybe i feel like shit because this was a shitty thing to do. Maybe i feel like shit because i’m afraid she won’t find anyone else who’ll really care about her. Maybe i feel like shit because i already miss holding her hand. Maybe i feel like shit because i loved kissing her. Maybe i feel like shit because i deserve a lot worse.
I just broke up. I can’t decide if it feels like the biggest mistake of my life or like taking a breath of fresh air. Probably both. But, more of the first. Shit.
On a whim i just selected my entire draft folder of songs and threw them into a WinAmp playlist to be confronted with a whopping 3-hours of audio! And that’s without all of the audio from last year from when i was working on my demo. Right now i’m listening to a sparkling version of me singing Madonna’s “Crazy For You,” but the random assortment of songs has so far included not only some favourites but also songs i haven’t even thought of for nearly half a year. It makes me feel like such a real artist that i have work that i put hours into and then discarded … especially when upon review it really isn’t so horrible. There might even be an update for the often neglected AMkitchen in the works … imagine that!
I have to say that i’m with Re on this one. While BlogSpot is a terrific idea and opportunity for folks who don’t want to go through all of GeoCities BS to get a webpage, but all too often it’s just a stagnant pool of unimportant and uninteresting blogs. It seems to me that any halfway decent BlogSpot blogger would get snapped up by a domain as soon as they found a few visitors, unless they wanted to stay at BlogSpot for some reason. I personally grabbed Brant as soon as i found out he didn’t really want to stay on at the Spot, and would do the same for any other blog i read regularly and enjoyed. While trolling around to all of the domains for hosting is tedious and rather rude (trust me on this one), getting people like Re or I to read you is a simple thing if you’re interesting, and hosting can’t be too far behind. I think the issue is that BlogSpot makes it too easy to start a blog … so that it really doesn’t take any planning or ambition or thought or anything of the like. At least going through GeoCities forces you to monkey with the FTP settings long enough to decide what you really want to do with your time.
My point? Firstly, i’d blame a good bit of the Blogger overinflation on BlogSpot, which means it’s their own fault (maybe they should just start charging for Spot to make their money back…). Secondly, it seems like BlogSpot is a glut of a lot of uninspired people, and the inspired ones get snapped up pretty quick once they establish their own voice. So, … this isn’t an invitation to inundate me with hosting requests, but if you’re on BlogSpot and you don’t like it there, just know that all you need to do is find your groove and a small audience before your time there is over.