Crushing Krisis

Comic Books, Drag Race, & Life in New Zealand

my music

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I hate writing a bad song. Not only do i potentially waste some good lines or riffs which i am then reluctant to recycle, but i more importantly loose a chance to voice an emotion. Sure, a lot of my songs cover roughly the same emotional territory, but not many of them come from the exact same inspiration. This summer i very badly wanted to write a song about my first kiss that would say exactly what i felt about it, but in reality it just came off as a too-shimmery Britney Spears b-side. I keep trying to reform it, and it is getting better, but i’m not sure that i’ll ever want to play it in the company of other songs like “relief” and “under my skin.” But, my inability to say or write what i feel, tomorrow’s trio is going to be chock full of good songs i haven’t played yet to make up for missing last week (which was totally unintentional). Ok… that’s all.

https://www.crushingkrisis.com/2000/11/1463493/

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When i used to write songs they were my escape. I used to be able to say so much inside of them that never existed anywhere else. I was a rock star in my own head. I conducted my own interviews. I tracklisted my imaginary new album once every month. But, in the end it was just another hobby; none of my friends even really knew i was into it that seriously. I still pick it up every once and a while, when i hear a song from back then. All the lyrics are still on the internet somewhere, and the sounds too, at some forgotten webpage i could find on my lunch break if i spent a minute or two looking. Yeah, i used to write songs. It was fun.

https://www.crushingkrisis.com/2000/11/1430773/

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Hell, i probably won’t even love myself anymore in four years. I’ll just be some sold-out corporate rat who wasted his life trying to please all the wrong people and never himself and who owns all the wrong, insignificant albums, because he tried too hard to choose what he liked. I’ll just be an empty wasted shell who never touches his guitar and starts stories with “When i used to write songs…”

https://www.crushingkrisis.com/2000/11/1430748/

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People suck. Yes, they do.

Yet another amazing Ani DiFranco site just bit the dust, this time the one over at imperfectly.com (the first major one to go was Alan’s at gliff.org). As a rather large Ani fan, i can’t help but view these shutdowns as silly. It’s one thing to stop updating your site and leave it as a resource of information, but it’s a totally different matter to tear it all down like some sort of petulant child. And, yet, another one bit the dust.

I suppose what i don’t understand is the phenomenon of people growing tired or disillusioned with an artist, which is really at the heart of the matter. AJ and Alan didn’t close their sites because they were bored, they closed them because they just weren’t big enough fans anymore. And maybe that’s why i never started a fan site for anyone; i’m only that big of a fan of myself. Even my most cherished favourites like Garbage, Madonna, and David Bowie don’t rank on my “must make a website” list. This is probably because of the effort that one has to put into such a site… collecting pictures and articles and lyrics and everything. The site doesn’t become self-sufficient (ie: reader supported) until it’s already popular enough to draw in hundreds if not thousands of readers from around the globe. I want to own a site like that, but i don’t want to start one, mostly because i’m not interested in the work. I’m only my own archivist, and that’s not going to change anytime soon.

But, the concept remains. I have never, ever ditched a musical artist i have liked as much as i do Ani DiFranco. To be fair, i’ve only been listening to music that seriously for less then six or seven years, when you come right down to it. The only artist i’ve had with me forever is Madonna. Of course, she’s changed too, in all sorts of ways, and i still avidly listen to every album she releases. The only artists i fall in love with and then leave behind are ones like Sheryl Crow, who just don’t evolve in the direction they seemed to be headed towards. And that is exactly the issue with these Ani DiFranco fans. Nearly all of the ones becoming disillusioned are pre-Dilate fans, who harken back to the first half of Ani’s discography. While Out of Range maybe just be my favourite album, these fans first experienced it as a living, breathing, newly born extension of Ani’s work.

In short, fans like those bought Ani’s political life as much as they bought her music. Whereas i wince at her painfully preachy “Crime for Crime” and take “Coming Up” as a mere poem, many of the fans she won that early on hung on her every word. The people who turned me on to Ani were as much fans of what she had to say as of how she chose to say it. Half of them were heartbroken when she wrote a rock album about a man instead of a woman. Another half left when she married him. Dilate was my entry point into Ani’s universe, so i missed all of the drama therein. The things i love about Ani DiFranco are her guitar playing and her amazing lyrics. I’ve always found her political stance dubious and lopsided at best. Of course, not everyone did, and so now they’re surprised as Ani adjusts her beliefs to the new star-sized life she’s been (very steadily) growing into. And, while her older fans might still be listening to her music, they don’t want to run obsessive websites about her every breath and glance.

But neither do i. I have this urge to step in and fill the Ani-void, but it’s only to attract large amounts of attention to myself. I’ve never understood fan-sites, because they are resources for everyone but ultimately meaningless to the people that run them. So, i would never let an Ani site bite the dust because i would never create one. But, i love her all the same. I don’t care who she married, i don’t care which stupid causes she fronts and candidates she backs. She plays guitar. She is the reason i play guitar like i do. People sometimes ask me if i’m playing her songs when really i’m playing my own. I love and admire ani deeply on the level of sound, and it is on that level that i will take her or leave her. Having come in on the middle of her career, to the teeth isn’t the biggest stretch in the world for me to love, and it was my favourite album of all of last year. I miss the in-you-face guitar that usually accompanies a new Ani release, but she’s told us that she’s not “angry anymore” and i believe her wholeheartedly. She is no less of a guitar player, no less of a lyricist, and no less of a composer for it.

Maybe her asthetic changed. Maybe there are too many screaming people at her concerts. Maybe i wince when she invokes yet another shakey stance in her songs. But i am not interested in Ani as a person, i am interested in her as a musician. The same is true for Madonna, and David Bowie, and Tori Amos. I don’t expect her to reproduce the same album over and over, and i don’t expect her to stay the same. The people shutting down their website’s now might not have expected her to do either of those things, but i suppose on some level they were hoping she would. And the reason i am so indignant when the sites go down is not because i am childish and selfish, but because i just don’t possess the level that those fans are operating from. Maybe i’m not indy enough, or feminist enough, or fan enough. But i don’t care. I don’t care one bit.

As long as she never puts down her guitar.

https://www.crushingkrisis.com/2000/11/1430350/