So, i took the day off from blogging yesterday to do nothing. Sure, i went to work and all that, but otherwise it was wholly uneventful. I wound up sitting on my ass watching NBC reruns and eating salsa all night. Very productive.
It’s just that after spending so much time busy with friends nearly every day, a night to myself becomes entirely meaningless, even though it’s what i thought i really wanted. Sometimes i start losing touch with my “identity” when i’m flitting from person to person and from place to place, but then i get back here and realize that i haven’t got the slightest clue at what was missing. So, maybe i’m just possessive of my free time and want to make sure that i totally waste some of it on my own, or maybe i really do need time along here and there to recenter. Who knows…. anyhow, it’s off to work with me.
isolation
I spoke with my mom about Selina for the entire ride to the mall. She was proud that i was “adult enough” to break up even though it would have been easier (and happier) for me to stay put. She thinks in hindsight this will all make sense, but what she can’t understand is how unworthy i’ll feel. Selina pointed out in her journal today how beautiful and talented she is … and i agree wholeheartedly. Being with her made me feel wanted, because she actually wanted me, and i needed that in my life for once. The other side of the coin is that i won’t ever know if i’m worth anything to anyone else if i were to stay with her, and i have to know that. I spent so long as someone no one could care enough about to spend that much time with, and at once i’m afraid that Selina’s the only person who would ever like me and hopeful that she was just able to find the traits in me that anyone else could find. It’s not that i want more (more girls, more attention, more devotion, ect) … i just need to know.
Of course, since i can hardly explain it to you i could hardly express it to my mother. She has the eyes of a mother, and couldn’t possibly imagine why anyone wouldn’t like me. Little does she know about all the inadequacy and worthlessness and whatnot i’ve gone through and how Selina changed all of it. And, of course, as soon as i found that i got rid of it.
I guess it’s just getting harder and harder for me to accept us being broken up as we’re apart more and more; i wanted to cheat the process and be able to talk to her every day and see her once a week, and now she’s not even thinking of me and that makes me feel like i’m totally worthless all over again. I suppose i do want to hang us up in relationship limbo, which is nothing but unfair to her. I don’t want to regret missing out on college because i was stuck in a contentious relationship, but i don’t want to finish college knowing that she was the one and i was too selfish to ever realize it. Either way, i’m stuck. Hopefully this way i’ll actually learn something about myself…
Has “Penny Lane” ever made you cry? I’m sort halfway to tears right now, and of all the Beatles songs i could think of that’s the one that popped into my head. I think it’s the reminiscent quality of “Penny Lane” … it’s a lot like Paul is recalling it, or saying goodbye to it, but he’s not really a part of it even though he used to be. Wow, this is gonna be a depressing night for you all and I, isn’t it?
Brant, i know what you mean when you talk about friends and acquaintances and how to tell the difference between them. Sometimes it’s hard to keep a perspective on what’s happening outside of yourself – like the disorientation you feel when you play a first-person shooter game from the camera angle that floats behind your own head. Sometimes you need to remove yourself from what you’ve got stewing inside and view your friendships from the outside, because then you realize how good some of your “acquaintances” really are for you. It’s not their fault that you can’t share all of your private life with them, and you need to accept them on the terms of what they do know and love about you rather than what they don’t. I went through a miserable and lonely couple of months last year when i decided that i didn’t have any real friends, until one of my real friends pointed out to me that it’s not her fault that i won’t share anything personal with her.
Of course, if we would share personal things with our friends, would we need the internet anymore :p
You know, i sometimes get the idea that certain logs are illustrious and powerful just because i know their names. I mean… i don’t really actively seek out new blogs to read; i just happen upon the ones i happen upon. However, in my half a year of happenings i’ve seen a few names pop up more than i’ve seen others. Whether it be on PowerBlogger, or on the sidebar at blogger.com, or on other people’s lists of links, some names are just more visible than others. I think what eternally surprises me is what i find when i visit these sites; i expect them to be masterful works with strong narrative voice and a sense of direction, but most of the time the writers have a lot more in common with me than with my preconceived notion of them.
What’s funny is that i exist on the other side of that notion sometimes too. I mean, this log has been around long enough to give people the chance to see it linked from various placed without actually reading it, and the fact that some of them might come here with the sense that i’m in some way important is pretty boggling. Of course, maybe no one does that sort of thing but me; it wouldn’t be the first time.
Last night one of my best friends turned to me and said “I was sorta afraid to talk to you, because i figured you wouldn’t really be interested in someone like me.” It wasn’t that she thought i was too cool, or anything like that, she just made the assumption that i had enough friends as it was and to try to be befriend me was not worth the effort.
I couldn’t even believe my ears as i had this explained to me, because when i comes down to it i’m a very isolated person with very few friends who i actually talk to daily, and she just assumed that i didn’t need anyone else like that in my life. Well, i did, and thank god we actually wound up talking eventually, because i don’t know what i’d be doing without her at this point.
Moral? I don’t know. How about we try this: today go to your favourite log that always struck you as being famous and popular and groovy, and send the author an email telling them how much you appreciate their writing. You’d be amazed at the response you get, whether you get to see it or not. I’m on my way to my favourite famous-log now; you better be doing to same!