I literally ran into Laurel in the middle of the street the other day, and we talked for a while (after removing ourselves from the traffic flow). I don’t know about what. She said that i’ve come out of my shell (i made sure to clarify that “shell” didn’t have anything to do with “closet,” and she assured me that everyone was quite sure i was still inside of that), and while i first i was a little offended (Did she mean to imply i was some sort of corner-lurking little dweeb? I mean… moreso than i actually am?) as the conversation ebbed and flowed i saw that i really didn’t seem like the same person i was a few months ago. One of my other theatre friends recently commented that she couldn’t have lived with “the me from last year,” but she could definitely live with me now.
I feel like i should spend time staring in the mirror after comments like these to try to see what’s different, but i think that’s something the old-me would do. Maybe the new me isn’t such an obvious narcissist…
self-aware
Tee-hee! Looks like Tom is getting ensnared in the life of another real person. I’ve got to say that i’m rather happy for him, as it’s always cute to read as bloggers slowly fall into like (or love, or whatever) with someone (and i can’t say it’s awful reading about fleeting liplocks and exchanged numbers… it makes me feel like i get out more than i actually do. Which i don’t. Which is funny, because i can really be a voyeur within the walls of my own apartment without employing my clumsy pair of binoculars. But, i digress…). Of course, it’s never fun to read about them falling out. So, erm… Tom, please just get married after your first few dates so you don’t subject us to any misery later on down the line – though i have to say that this nervous business about calling him is downright adorable. And, Tom? Please do try not to drool down your chin… and have fun.
Bill (the Senior who i recorded with tonight, who happens to be the head of the aforementioned 8 to the Bar) seems to be convinced of my vocal talents despite the fact that i haven’t yet manifested any of them. At this point anyone online who has cared to hear me sing has heard me through the various audio on my site, and i think it’s clear that i’m not so bad as a potential indy rockstar but i’m not going to be cast in any musicals or super boy-groups anytime soon. Despite this, Bill claims on the strength of my old demo cd that i have a massive unlocked potential, and that as soon as i learn to sing with confidence and to support notes i will “have the kind of voice that gets cast as the lead in musicals.” Bill’s a nice guy, but i’ve never heard him build anyone else up in quite the same fashion as he does me. Either he thinks i need all the encouragement i can get (and i do), or he really has that much faith in me. Which is scary.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
Well, firstly, it’s been decided that my ex-girlfriend should have a monkier other than “she,” so we’ll call her Selina, as alluded to in the last post. Anyhow… Selina and i decided to talk by phone to air a few grievances, and suddenly the whole conversation swung like a pendulum from where it was this afternoon. Suddenly we were both sweet and we still liked each other, and we were polite, and we were trying to think of a way to be together without destroying each other.
My conflict is that i don’t know if her loving me is enough. I don’t want to go back just because i know she cares only to find myself trapped in six months, a year, or three years. I need to be able to believe that i’m good enough for anyone else to like me. At the same time, i’d hate to leave Selina behind because i like her so much and because she honestly likes me. But, what we just realized is that the reason she had such a devestating effect on my life is because she arrived in the absence of other priorities; the only things i was worrying about other than her were theatre and SurvivorBlog, and she wound up being involved in both of those anyhow. My guitar was forgotten, my friends neglected, and my classes failed. So, what conclusion did we just reach? Not sure… maybe that we should just be friends with benefits, or that we should just date casually and limit how much time we can actually spend together. Because, we both agree that i need to find my own life before i can make her a part of it (and i think she should do the same thing, but we never got that far in the discussion).
But, anyhow, i have a final to fail in about 9 hours, so i should be asleep. Yeah. Sure.
Damnit, you’re not supposed to ask me to reconsider after i break your heart. You’re supposed to stay broken, like i am. You’re making me cry again; this was supposed to be the easiest way out. But, there’s not an easy way, is there? I know you’re reading this from time to time. I still love you, and i spent all last night whining to my friends that i obviously made a big mistake in breaking up and not working it out. But, i’m not so sure now. As much as i like *you*, i don’t know if i need *us* in my life right now. I wish it could just be easy and casual and simple, but we both actually do like each other too much … except i can’t show it because it intrudes on the rest of my life, and you show it all the time. This is entirely my fault, you know, and you’re still as beautiful and intelligent as the day i met you. More, actually. But… it felt like something destructive to me instead of constructive, and if i came crawling back now i’d never have the heart to break up with you again. And, eventually it will need to end. I just was stupid enough to make that eventually now…