Well, that’s one to sleep on, isn’t it?
Meanwhile, after the party ended i wound up at ben’s dorm room, hanging out with Ben and his roommate and our castmate Sharon and playing electric guitar on the floor until i got sober. I don’t know if i’ve ever mentioned Ben … but i’m not actually friends with him. It’s more like being jealous of his whole being and also thinking he’s really cool (a long story, partially having to do with his golden voice and partially having to do with girls liking him) . Except… suddenly we’re friends, and we hug each other goodbye and have dumb guy conversations to annoy Sharon because she’s the only girl in the room. I think being friends with more guys who i genuinely like would really add something to my social status right about now, and if there was anyone i ever really liked it would be Ben.
self-critique
As of right now i can tell you it definitely feels like a bad idea. It felt like a bad idea when i said it, and after i said it, and when i got on the elevator, and when i walked outside. Obviously i still liked her or i wouldn’t be so torn up about this, and if i still liked her why would i break up with her? I know… inside of me i saw all the little things that made me unhappy and i said “get out now, before you have too much momentum to get out.” In a way i was right: breaking up tonight was the hardest thing i ever had to do, and the worst thing i’ve ever done to another living person in my life. It would not have been easier to do tomorrow, or the next day, or next week, or next month. Basically, if i didn’t break up with her now i don’t think i ever would, and i don’t like what that implies. Of course, now i’m exactly what i didn’t want to be: another evil ex-boyfriend. But, if i broke up with her in the easiest way i could, not even blaming her for anything, you have to wonder if all of her boyfriends are evil for a reason. Or not. But, i’m definitely evil, and i definitely feel like shit right now. Shit.
Maybe it only feels like shit because i feel so unattractive and i’m not sure i can ever find anyone beautiful who will like me ever again. Maybe it feels like shit because i established a routine with her and now it’s over and i’m just here. Maybe it feels like shit because i know that i still like her, but that it just wasn’t working. Maybe it feels like shit because we were probably in love. Maybe it feels like shit because i know this is hurting her a lot more than it seems to be hurting me. Maybe i feel like shit because this was a shitty thing to do. Maybe i feel like shit because i’m afraid she won’t find anyone else who’ll really care about her. Maybe i feel like shit because i already miss holding her hand. Maybe i feel like shit because i loved kissing her. Maybe i feel like shit because i deserve a lot worse.
I somehow forgot to mention the two neatest things that happened to me yesterday, and god knows they’re pretty neat. so excuse me while i switch into banal-blog mode to update you on some happenings in my life.
Firstly, i manged to snag myself vocal lessons for next semester. Now, i don’t know how much this shows through my incessant prattling, but i’ve wanted voice training for years. Long before i became musically inclined singing was one of my favourite things to do, but i was horrible at it and was constantly being persecuted by my friends for my lack of ability. Playing guitar gave me the most basic of confidences in singing, but i’m still unsure of myself when singing on my own and i still have no formal training on how to sing. So, the fact that one of our voice instructors wants to make time for me in her schedule is very cool.
A bigger compliment came from Bill Hull, who’s currently in charge of the aforementioned Eight to the Bar. I mentioned off-handedly to him that i was finally starting voice training and he replied that i ought to audition for the next opening in Eight to the Bar. Audition! For an all male a capella group that’s half composed of Vocal Music majors! I tried to deflect what i thought was an obvious attempt at flattery, but Bill was quick to point out that he is one of the few people on campus in possession of a copy of my demo, so he knows full well that i can actually sing when i put my mind to it. He tempered his compliment by admitting that i certainly have plenty of technique to learn from voice lessons, but then reiterated that i would stand a good chance of being a member of the group’s new lineup in the fall.
Eek. I’m not used to feeling this good about myself all at once. No wonder i keep writing songs tonight…
I’m sitting here with a bag of frozen white bread and a tub of hummus that i accidentally stole from my girlfriend’s roommate two weeks ago snacking away while my ftp server mysteriously blinks in and out of existence. To get the white bread defrosted enough so that it’s not similar to eating cardboard i’ve got to hold it close to my mouth and breathe into it slowly, feeling the frost evaporate onto my fingers on the other side as my snack gets soft and flexible like it’s meant to be. I’m not sure if you’re actually reading this at this point because of my FTP issues, and that surely explains the lack of a new Trio despite my obviously having new material to work with.
The play goes up next week … 10 days from now. That’s scary. I mean, i can track my entire experience with the play through this log and it just doesn’t seem long or substantial enough. Not so long ago in the archives i was contemplating whether or not i should audition and now i’m contemplating if enough my extended family are going to want seat to gets a group discount. Maybe it’s because i haven’t had such a large role since high school, where we’d rehearse from January to nearly the end of March every single day, that i feel so grossly underprepared for this show; i don’t know my lines well enough, i don’t sing my song well enough, and i’m still finding my character. Of course, none of that really matters when i’m on stage, because somehow i just make it all work. I’m looking into getting some digital video to post to the page, so… we’ll see. I’m off to munch more hummus and rehearse for my rehearsal; take care of yourselves.