Crushing Krisis

Comic Books, Drag Race, & Life in New Zealand

work

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Speaking of epiphanies: i am beginning to think of the stapler remover as the vampire of the desk supplies. I imagine that, after i leave, it slinks out of its place in my desk organizer and proceeds to terrorize my pens and highlighters mercilessly until a brave and intrepid pencil takes it upon itself to plunge itself as a stake through the remover’s cold metallic heart, leaving only a scene of scattered writing implements to hint at the terror that preceded it.

In the morning i always find myself thinking, How did my desk wind up so messy? Surely i cleaned it last night at 4:59, as is my wont. But now i know.

https://www.crushingkrisis.com/2003/05/200302161/

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Halfway into what should have been my lunch break i found myself with five very short minutes to mock up a fold-out publication layout from a few simple black and white pieces that a colleague had expertly laid out, and i came to the near epiphany that i would be utterly and completely fucked without a glue stick. Yes. A glue stick. Which, incidentally, was the first piece of non-standard-issue office supply that i specifically requested for my desk. Much to my delight and relatively small surprise, said glued mock up was the toast of our meeting with the Medical department, praised as both “sturdy” and “informed.” This was reflected by a congratulatory email was circulated within our department afterwards.

So, basically, my job description involves an amalgam of both my pending Bachelor’s of Arts and tricks i picked up in third grade art class. Don’t ever let anyone tell you education isn’t important.

https://www.crushingkrisis.com/2003/05/200302119/

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As far as i’m concerned, there is only cranberry. I can literally loiter at the muffin stand for ten minutes eyeballing each fresh baked item trying my best to locate chocolate chips, or even blueberries, but no matter how sure or how random my guess is i still wind up with cranberry. I know the other muffins are in there somewhere — i’ve seen other people eat them. Still, today i chose a corn muffin only to arrive at my desk and find that it was, yes, a cranberry muffin in a corny disguise.

Once again, I am again kicking off my morning with a healthy urinary tract, muffin stand. Damn you, muffin stand, damn you and your insidious red berries!

https://www.crushingkrisis.com/2003/05/200283418/

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I walk into the bathroom on 35 and it seems empty, but as the door closes i hear a strange rasping noise from the open stall at the end of the row. I slowly approach the stall and peer around its corner cautiously, hoping not to find any half-naked strangely rasping co-workers slumped Elvis-style over the throne. It is empty.

As I wash my hands I hear the noise again, but do not bother to investigate. Maybe if I am lucky I will find myself cast in a real world retread of the classic Gremlins 2, where the sneaky critters invade an otherwise innocuous office building and precede to wreak havoc upon its unwitting staff. A worthy sequel to an already campy first flick.

Careful not to touch anything that might re-germ my now sanitized hands, I think am I unwitting?, closely followed by Surely there were a couple of people who died in bathrooms. I really ought to buy the DVD to check that out.

Two minutes later I am back at my desk firing off an email about compiling a master style guide for our department. So, essentially, you’ve just been missing out on my trips to the bathroom.

Oh, and I won a wine-drinking contest, bought four pairs of shoes, saw X2, passively participated in buying a new house, and wrote a song with Gina. But, really, that’s about it.

sigh

https://www.crushingkrisis.com/2003/05/200279537/

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Say what you will about being a corporate employee, but there’s something to be said for the feeling you get when you enter your boss’s office to discover her scrambling frantically to locate the report that you spent the last weeks compiling because it’s absolutely key to her three-thirty presentation, which is to say: you are somewhat dismayed that your spiffy white binder of findings had been so easily misplaced, empowered to see that your work is indeed an important keystone in your departments archway of communication, and secretly jealous that you cannot tag along to reap the obviously forthcoming compliments on your deft handiwork.

In other news, i learned that an employee is “absolutely prohibited from developing her personal website while at work even if she does so during her lunch hour.” Lucky for me, the policy seems to only apply to female employees. In your face, female employees!

https://www.crushingkrisis.com/2003/04/200200388/