Ha! I write about hickeys and my friends flood me with messages asking about this new love interest of mine. Nice, guys, very classy (in the way that voyeurism is classy) Do you really want to hear about my life? I think you must, since you snap up all the juicy bits. Here’s one to mull over: did i ever mention how i don’t feel like i have any friends? I mean… i have a few close ones that i value greatly, but for the most part all of the people i call friends are just people i generally associate with or have something random in common with me. Most of them don’t really know anything about me, like my bouts with anorexia, or how i’m convinced i’m bi-polar, or about my small cancer scare. Why? Because i never told them, because i don’t feel like i have that kind of connection to them. Or maybe i just made all of that shit up. Of course i mention it here and suddenly they’re all crawling down my throat trying to find out what’s happening.
Wow, i can be a bit harsh, can’t i? Oh well … this is my life … either take the heat or melt.
thoughts
I am super-oblivious, and it is snowing. I had been looking out of my window at the near-fog in the air wondering how it could stay so thick for so long, but i finally noticed that all the windows’ arches on the other side of the street are frosted like a gingerbread house. Surely enough, a quick trip to the windows reveals a street coated once again all in white. Now that conversation i just had about snowball fights seems so much more relevant…
Yet another six albums i should have owned years ago were added to my collection today: The Velvet Underground Boxed Set (used in perfect condition for $20, how cool is that?) and Portishead Live at the Roseland, NYC. Portishead is the sort of band i could never get into despite being exposed to them for years, but suddenly they make sense to me. To hear them perform their songs live with a full band, dj, and orchestration is totally mind-numbing. Definitely one of the coolest live ensembles i’ve heard in a long time.
How do find the right frame of mind for a relationship? I mean… being wholly unexperienced, i wonder these idiot sorts of things. Did you always assume you’d grow old with every person you ever dated seriously, or did you just assume they’d last for a month or two and then fade away. Were you ever pleasantly surprised either way? is the trick just to expect nothing and enjoy what you have? Well, yes, of course it is, but i need a framework in which to look at things, and i don’t know if i can deal with “You’ll be that person who i dated for a year in college and still send postcards to.” I mean, if you admit it will end, why bother starting … except so that you can have the experience. Yeah, i suddenly know how to answer all my own idiot questions, see how much more interesting i am now?
So, i think last week’s archive might all might sense to you now that i’ve given you a frame of reference to view it within. I obviously was spending less time in the apartment than per usual, and i was being unusually cryptic about it because so many people i know in real life read this log. That’s why i posted that one really bitchy bit on Thursday; i honestly feel like if i talk about something private on here rather than in person it’s going to be held against me, which is shitty. So, now i’m talking. Blah.