I sure can say a lot while avoiding saying what’s on my mind.
I figure if i keep interspersing these short ones, the longer ones won’t seem so bad ;)
thoughts
I could just keep writing.
Do you remember when it used to be like that? Just me and the computer, and no obsessiveness about readability or narrative voice or spacing out my posts? Just me and my unending stream of consciousness? It’s so different now… now i am worried that this will mean that you’re not reading the things i spent time on. Quality. I never used to have a concept of quality, just a concept of what i wanted to say. Now i let posts languish on the main page for a day at a time to make sure it’s good and read before the next one arrives — i want to increase the signal and decrease the noise. But, it doesn’t feel anything like i remember. Nothing like it at all.
How did i manage to forget what i wanted to say? Now writing an update every fifteen minutes, or even on the hour … it seems like insanity. I can type a lot of words in fifteen minutes, and i can hit publish a lot of times in an hour. I suppose i’m afraid that it’s not the sheer me of the writing that is interesting, but the time and careful effort that i put into it. I have become afraid to just say what i think. The crux of the matter is that i am looking for a different kind of recognition now, one that is very intrinsically linked to quality rather than to quantity. Only, maybe there was some quality to it, you know? Something right about just writing until i ran out of thoughts of things to say.
I don’t really remember what my life was like fifteen months ago; i can’t remember how it felt day to day. But, the words are all there, to prove that it happened. So, i suppose i just want to prove that this is happening, you know?
Well, as violent mood-swings go, that one lasted a little bit less than 24 hours.
Damnit, i’m much too tired to do this metaphorical bullshit effectively. Anyway, i have to go to class. Blagh.
I don’t really have a defined audience for this little escapade, you know? It’s just intended for anyone who wanders in off of the proverbial virtual street. I don’t say much about myself on my About page, i don’t have any “definitive” posts (though i do have a multi-thousand word “Best Of” section), and i don’t tend to give much background other than a backlink here or there — so it’s really up to the reader to define me through my words. I never really think about the introduction of a new reader to my page… how they define their context of me, or what they like about what i’m saying. They’re reading, so they must like something, right?
What i do have, though, is a little mental check-list of people who aren’t reading. My mother. My associates in the Admissions Office. My roommates. It’s not as though i’m saying things that i wouldn’t ever let them hear, but i would probably be a little bit more tight-lipped with them around. Less about depression. Less about drinking. Less about house-issues. Of course, not everyone has such a tidy little category of subjects that i would edit out for them and every once in a while someone surprises me — either with their investigative ability or their interest in my life. On those occasions i have to mentally remove them from the list and say “Well, now i know they’re reading.”
What the hell am i trying to say? Well, let’s just say this: my telepathy might not be quite up to snuff, but my ability to have people i’m trying to communicate telepathically with read my posts about failed telepathy without actually thinking about the ramifications of them reading not only those posts but also all other past and future posts about them … that ability seems to be working just fine.
Actually, i think that last post said it best…