Crushing Krisis

Comic Books, Drag Race, & Life in New Zealand

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Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Well, firstly, it’s been decided that my ex-girlfriend should have a monkier other than “she,” so we’ll call her Selina, as alluded to in the last post. Anyhow… Selina and i decided to talk by phone to air a few grievances, and suddenly the whole conversation swung like a pendulum from where it was this afternoon. Suddenly we were both sweet and we still liked each other, and we were polite, and we were trying to think of a way to be together without destroying each other.

My conflict is that i don’t know if her loving me is enough. I don’t want to go back just because i know she cares only to find myself trapped in six months, a year, or three years. I need to be able to believe that i’m good enough for anyone else to like me. At the same time, i’d hate to leave Selina behind because i like her so much and because she honestly likes me. But, what we just realized is that the reason she had such a devestating effect on my life is because she arrived in the absence of other priorities; the only things i was worrying about other than her were theatre and SurvivorBlog, and she wound up being involved in both of those anyhow. My guitar was forgotten, my friends neglected, and my classes failed. So, what conclusion did we just reach? Not sure… maybe that we should just be friends with benefits, or that we should just date casually and limit how much time we can actually spend together. Because, we both agree that i need to find my own life before i can make her a part of it (and i think she should do the same thing, but we never got that far in the discussion).


But, anyhow, i have a final to fail in about 9 hours, so i should be asleep. Yeah. Sure.

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/03/2739153/

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I somehow forgot to mention the two neatest things that happened to me yesterday, and god knows they’re pretty neat. so excuse me while i switch into banal-blog mode to update you on some happenings in my life.


Firstly, i manged to snag myself vocal lessons for next semester. Now, i don’t know how much this shows through my incessant prattling, but i’ve wanted voice training for years. Long before i became musically inclined singing was one of my favourite things to do, but i was horrible at it and was constantly being persecuted by my friends for my lack of ability. Playing guitar gave me the most basic of confidences in singing, but i’m still unsure of myself when singing on my own and i still have no formal training on how to sing. So, the fact that one of our voice instructors wants to make time for me in her schedule is very cool.

A bigger compliment came from Bill Hull, who’s currently in charge of the aforementioned Eight to the Bar. I mentioned off-handedly to him that i was finally starting voice training and he replied that i ought to audition for the next opening in Eight to the Bar. Audition! For an all male a capella group that’s half composed of Vocal Music majors! I tried to deflect what i thought was an obvious attempt at flattery, but Bill was quick to point out that he is one of the few people on campus in possession of a copy of my demo, so he knows full well that i can actually sing when i put my mind to it. He tempered his compliment by admitting that i certainly have plenty of technique to learn from voice lessons, but then reiterated that i would stand a good chance of being a member of the group’s new lineup in the fall.

Eek. I’m not used to feeling this good about myself all at once. No wonder i keep writing songs tonight…

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/03/2686603/

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I feel shitty. I was just talking to a guy who i always thought was totally self-confident and great and attractive and wonderful and found out that none of the above was true at all. I always had a certain envy of him inside of me because i had a lot in common with him (build, hair, humor) but he seemed so much more well-liked than me. However, as the conversation proved, he is even less confident than i am, despite all of this. Yet, in the face of all of that, he still has had some interludes with girls who i find to be totally out of my league, and then a couple of miles further than that. So… now i hate him even more for what he’s had with them, but sympathize totally with his inability to tell if he’s liked at all. Shitty.

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/01/2030962/

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Everyone in my entire family commented on all of the weight i’ve gained and how good i look now. In a way it’s nice, because none of them ever compliment me on anything so i know i must look healthier, but since i’m not entirely comfortable with my new 20 pounds i’m not exactly thrilled that it was a big subject over Christmas Eve dinner. I think my issue is that i’m filling out well enough, but i’m not really shaping any of the weight, so if i gain any more i might look a little pudgy, which of course would make me very upset. My whole body-image is a very fragile thing, and i know i sound like a teenaged girl, but i’ve always been very thin and this is taking some getting used to. Not to mention that i definitely have a big wheezy fat gene on my father’s side of the family. I should obviously give up meat again… and god help me if i ever start drinking beer… (well, god help us all…)

https://crushingkrisis.com/2000/12/1769939/

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Finally…. finally, an attractive gay man flirted with me at work today. I was starting to think i ranked very low on the gaydar, or whatever it is. A gay friend tells me it’s found behind the spleen. Meanwhile, have you noticed that i hardly even whine about the fact that i register at all? Yep, i’m pretty much resigned to a life of having men hit on me, 1 in 10 of which won’t make me wanna run away in fear. Cause, i can only make pleasant non-flirting conversation with an ugly person for so long, you know.

https://crushingkrisis.com/2000/11/1498426/