I’ve had so many small stories from the past few days floating around, but each time one is ready to escape out of my head and onto here it is replaced with the next one and the next one successively, which has just resulted in silence. I’ve now missed talking about my overlong Monday with my turn at being the lead singer of the female a cappella group & quirky conversations with Selina, a study-mad Tuesday morning that was (as usual) too much preparation for a simple test, and my typical Tuesday of communication from which i usually bring some new axiom or theory to test out on you. All down the drain. All i’ve got left is another dream… walking barefoot from 22nd and Passyunk back to school and winding up in some strange city other than Philadelphia but with all the same people.
Being the last week to drop classes, this also happens to be midterm week. I have one every day; three more to go. Does that explain it a little better?
q.o.d.
Everyone has learned how to respect me during our time at Drexel insofar as everyone makes an assumption about my sexual preferences and gender identity and then gets themselves proven wrong (by their closeminded standards) by my flirting with girls and watching football. But, i keep them confused, much to my partial delight and eternal chagrin. I give lap-dances to boys at parties, or i mention that there are cute freshmen of both sexes to be had in the play.
People are so quick to assign labels that they often forget exactly how people really work. My friends have learned in the past two years that i generally don’t label easily and so they just leave me be, but when everyone’s sitting around drunk and loose-lipped people say things. And they hurt. A lot. Last night we were playing “I Never” and i was the only person in mixed company who had never kissed a boy — and i haven’t, ever. It’s not to say that i never would, but i am generally not attracted to men and haven’t had any reason to lay lips on another boy in anything other than a friendly manner.
First someone was incredulous… was i sure i hadn’t? Next i was told “that you lie alot anyhow.” And then a third person chimed in that it was ironic considering… “Considering what?” …. “Well, considering that you…”
Of course he didn’t say it, because no one wants to be outrightly awful to me even when their lips are loosened with liquor, but we all heard what he was saying; it was ironic because i was the gay one. The theme repeats. I mentioned that i never had sex with Selina and they all asked why not; i truthfully replied that it was because i didn’t want to be entangled with anyone on that level at that point in time, regardless of whether it was a consideration of our relationship or not. And they laughed. Of course, they said, i wouldn’t have sex with a girl… of course, they pointed out, i would have a good reason not to.
I’m getting tired of these arbitrary social boxes. Yes, my manner of speaking and gesturing has a primary association with “gay” stereotypes. Did it ever occur to anyone to ask me if i enjoy talking like i do? After talking like this for twenty years, and learning all of my tonal and indicative qualities from a group primarily composed of women, can i really change overnight? Did they ever think to ask if i would if i could? For all the haircuts i get and tight shirts that i wear, i still get boxed up neatly — even if no one normally says it it becomes quickly apparent when everyone checks their appropriateness and grabs a beer.
I am so sick of it, and so sick of myself. Everyone else is allowed to flirt with who they want to flirt with regardless of motive. Our masculine male friends get to make out with other guys as a lark at parties and never hear two words about anyone doubting their sexuality. But not me. I have struck such a precarious balance with everyone i know that all i have to do is remark that a boy is attractive and suddenly my box is tightly packed again. I have no option of flirting with people just for fun, regardless of my reasons. I could never kiss a boy, no matter what circumstantial contrivance it involved. I’m too fucking busy trying to get everyone to just judge me for who i am to begin with to do anything else.
The first day of fall on a college campus is always a memorable experience… yesterday was that in two respects: the first day of Fall while on campus, and the first day of Fall term. Freshmen were everywhere, lines for food and books were long, and i spotted nearly a hundred people i haven’t seen in months (and lamented easily another hundred that i didn’t see). I ran into Gina with former roommate Michelle and walked them to the bookstore where i had a sighting of Laurel and Ben before i was distracted by Kathe who was eventually joined by Selina, but then i had class with Karen and afterwards ran into Matt A. before headed back to class, this time with Gina. And, that was only in the span of an hour.
Sometimes you anticipate your relationships to all of these people changing, and sometimes you expect them to stay the same. Or, at least, i do. I’ve been finding out that sometimes i’m right and sometimes i’m not – sometimes in cases i didn’t really expect. Who knew that one biting comment from one of my favourite friends would leave me seething and writing a nasty song about them on the first day of having them back in my life? Who knew that someone i generally despise would put a broad smile on my face while i was walking around aimlessly? Who knew that people would change so much, or stay so much the same?
I haven’t really thought about my ‘blogging schedule’ … last year i took alternate weekdays off. Today i am headed to International Business Law, Critical Reasoning, Basic Production, and Communication Theory. We’ll see how i feel about blogging after all of that.
So, hi, i’m sortof … on the prowl right now. Like, not as though i’m walking the streets checking people out or anything, but i have interest. This is a massive change from approximately a week ago when i wanted to be left wholly alone. Hi, i’m totally bipolar. Meanwhile, in these stupid plays we’re doing, i have to make out in both with the same person. This we had established. However, what we hadn’t established is that the girl i have to suck face with is the emotional carbon copy of Selina, and that our relations are quickly breaking down to the sort of call-and-response deadly bitchiness where Selina and i left off. Seeing as we need chemistry and stuff, this is not the best situation in the entire world.
Tonight i came to the decision that more people need to actively dislike me. A lot of people are very indifferent to me, and a few people have a mild distaste for me, but no one wholly dislikes me and in my own experience that’s a bad sign. Am i so underwhelming that no one has formed a strong opinion on me? In high school i was loud, opinionated, and socially fearless. Now i’m of medium volume, strong preferenced, and socially timid. This whole year should be… interesting.
Well, i can deal with this because he’s a cute mouse. I’ve had two previous runins with the rodent… one late at night while Matt was here which resulted in me piling everything we own into the middle of the room and stalking around with a flip-flop in hand ready to lay out a smackdown, and the other during the first week i was dating Selina that resulted in my jogging to Selina’s place in record time and spending half the night on her dorm’s kitchen counter because i didn’t want my toes to touch the ground. This should teach me to always throw out old pizza boxes… even if they are empty and do not belong to me. Apparently they make nice houses. Also, i forget a mouse can get out of anything he can squeeze his head past, which made my entire scheme with the pizza box and the slipper and the bucket entirely pointless. Obviously i should go looking for flip-flops…