I am finally old enough to enjoy a post-dinner recline on the couch while making inane commentary on football games, and I took full advantage of said privilege tonight after dining with Gina’s family for the first time in six(!) years.
While watching the Eagles rack up the highest score of the day Gina, Wes, and I organized the National Football League in descending order of mascot size, punctuated by occasionally less-than-fearsome cardinal cries.
Massive
Titans
Jets (jumbo)
Giants
Saints (if astral)
Huge
Bills (buffalo)
Texans (steers, or possibly minotaurs?)
Broncos
Bears (grizzly)
Bengals
Large
Lions
Panthers
Colts
Rams
Jaguars
Dolphins
Man-Sized
Steelers & 49ers (assumed to be burly and hard-working)
Raiders & Vikings (assumed to be fierce and conquest-oriented)
Chiefs
Packers (assumed to be like Steelers, but with more dairy in their diets)
Cowboys & Redskins
Buccaneers (more of an effete Johnny Depp pirate)
Eagles (massive wingspan makes them comparable in size)
Patriots (sorta bourgeois, comparatively)
Saints (if corporeal)
Small
Seahawks
Browns (if dogs)
Falcons & Ravens (split decision on which would be larger)
Tiny
Cardinals
Browns (if recluse)
Atomic
Chargers
.
At this point we were all in a full-on dessert coma after ingesting Gina’s pumpkin cheesecake pie, and amidst Brian Dawkins imitations*, we also found the time to judge the five most fearsome mascots…
1. Titans – Atlas is a Titan!
2. Chargers
3. Bears
4. Bengals
5. Eagles
Honorable Mention: Saints (if astral)
… as opposed to the five most harmless mascots:
1. Cardinals
2. Ravens
3. Browns
4. Dolphins Per reader feedback, a dolphin could maul a Patriot.
5. Colts
Honorable Mention: Saints (if corporeal)
.
* Everyone we know considers Brian Dawkins to be terror incarnate, and we spend the majority of most Eagles’ games commenting on the fear that he strikes into all opponents.
Tonight we determined that Batman’s interrogation of a hallucinating Scarecrow in Batman Begins was actually based on Brian Dawkins’ pass defense, and that there is likely test footage of Bale wearing a Dawkins jersey along with his enigmatic visored helmet.
I also posited a likely Dawkins’ internal monologue, but it involved a lot of cookie-monster-metal growling that I can’t really do justice in text. Maybe when my condensers arrive next week…