I am not liking people very much right now.
I do this about once a month, which makes it sorta my version of PMS on as-of-yet i have no chemical and harmonal imbalances to blame it on. Basically, all of the people in my life just start to feel like cardboard cutouts and Gap manequins that i don’t really have a ton of emotion tied up in, and i’m not sure if it’s because i don’t communicate with anyone well enough or if they were 2-dimensional and posed to begin with. Right about now i almost wish that Blogger was just a major metro city and all the happy little bloggy people i talk to were just down Market street or across the river or something, because i’m not even remotely talking to more than one or two of my actual friends on a regular full-disclosure basis. Shall we take a head-count? I have the theatre crowd who i keep swearing off and rejoining, and the admissions/drexel crowd who i go incommunicado with even though they’re genuinely nice people, and the music crowd that suddenly turned into one big couples vacation, and the highschool crowd who i never see, and after all that i’m just feeling crowded and there aren’t really any individual people in there just bunches. Like grapes. Do you ever see a bunch of grapes and stare at one and say “i want to buy that bunch of grapes so i can eat that one very special grape?”
And, to make this all just as pathetic as it is annoying, i claim to be feeling more lonely than usual as of late. I think i just need one certain person (not necessarily romantically) to be cool and nice and not dramatic to get me through this bitter little stretch, but i don’t know who they are. Sadly, they can’t be Benjy or Nancy or Rabi or any other internet person i talk to more than i talk to my actual friends, because this person needs to be actual and physically available to do things with. And, the sad thing is, i have people who would be that person for me, but i’m not totally interested in being that person for them. Of course, this is just a symptom of bigger issues, like my grass-is-greener kind of capriciousness where i hop from interest to interest without ever delving into anything… only instead of albums and hobbies we’re talking about fleshy & feeling people. I can tell if this has been developing ever since my last ditching of the theatre crowd and ignoring all of my other friends for Selina, or if this is a direct result of having just gone through an “acquire” phase where all the people i really like consistently got shelved like cds from last fall, but either way i”m here with this constantly compiling mass of new people, and new things, and new music, and i just hate all of it.
I wish someone would formally diagnose me with some of the problems i’m a walking case-study for so i don’t feel quite so self-concious and insipid talking about them here, but what is blogger if it isn’t the pop-psychologist that doesn’t talk back for the inner only-child of us all?