Sometimes my life is a town with a population of just one. It’s like living in Bumblefuck. It’s a hard thing, being the only voice and face i can hear and see for miles on end is my own. There’s only so much you can be in love with yourself; after that it gets a little lonely.
On Thursday it occurred to me for just a moment that maybe it was the loneliness that was getting to me more than anything else — that last week’s forced quarantine from anyone i cared about had left me feeling empty and alone. That my happiness is just a reflection of how happy i make other people. So, for the last three days i have given myself up to the people i love, without my typical hemming and hawing about the where and why of the situation. Thursday i sat and talked about things i never usually say. Friday i spent the entire night with someone who i value so much that i sometimes forget to even see them. Last night i sat on the floor at our brother-apartment down the street and ate dinner with over a dozen of my closest friends, and for once it felt like we were all there together and not just like we were scattered around talking like any usual party. It wasn’t a party; i know because i wasn’t miserable in the least.
My question is, how long can not being miserable in the least last? Does this mean i have to surround myself with other people all the time so that i don’t have the chance to think about myself at all? I’ve seen what happens… i eventually lose track of myself inside all of the pleasantries, and i wind up locking myself in my room with my guitar for an entire weekend to sort out my feelings. But, i don’t want to do that… i don’t want to be miserable or too inundated with happiness or feeling the need to be alone or any of it. I want to feel Balanced, and to do whatever i want to do regardless of any emotional indications of desperation or otherwise at the given time.
It remains to be seen if i can manage it.