No, i will not do my reading on Modernity, or write five-hundred words about globalization in India without ultilizing the passive voice. I will do anything but. I will read every Metafilter post, complete with comments, from the last three days. I will floss my teeth, eat ramen, and then floss my teeth again — i like to think of it as an empirical study on ramen deposits in college students. Afterwards, I will aimlessly stare off into space while intermittently checking to see if i have any new email, because i would rather do anything but school between tomorrow and September, let alone now. And, let’s not even begin to mention the nine thirty communications class where, in the last session, my professor read out of the book FOR AN HOUR after making feeble attempts to evoke discussion from his dazed classroom of crusty-eyed twenty-somethings. Let’s face facts: I cannot communicate in a classroom setting before ten-thirty. It’s the gods’ honest truth; i’ve never received an A in a collegiate course that began before ten. And, well, now that i am a surly and jaded senior, may the gods be with you if you try to teach me how to communicate, study communication, or evaluate communication at any point earlier than that.

As for that “I’m so smart, i’m going to graduate with honors and go to a spiffy grad school” riff i was on last semester, it seems to be losing ground to the “Stuff my face with wild animal abandon whenever i get bored in an attempt to gain 20% of my body-weight before finals week” initiative and the “Who needs coursework when i have the Vagina Monologues? And who needs the Vagina Monologues when i can idly fuck with my website all day!” movement.

Last night i had a dream where i had graduated from college and all i could do was sob — because i had suddenly realized how much the worth of my life increased when accompanied by a silly little piece of paper. And five years of vaguely applicable torture, sometimes occurring at times when not even torture should be inflicted on a college student. Let alone theories of communications research.

Me? Frazzled?