Crushing Krisis

Comic Books, Drag Race, & Life in New Zealand

Year 01

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Let me tell y’all a story. Boy meets girl. Boy thinks girl is adorable but doesn’t say a word, because he never says these things (in person). Girl reads boy’s website and then asks him if he wants to do something over break. Boy leaves the state, and doesn’t get to see girl at all when he returns (not realizing she lives a stone-throw from his own house). Boy falls madly in love with someone else, and stops thinking about girl as much as he had been. Girl goes on with her life and starts dating a really sweet guy. Boy falls madly out of love. Boy and girl meet again four months later, and they realize they missed their chance one or two too many times for their own good. They hold hands for a while and then say goodnight. The end.

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/04/3114035/

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And now it’s today. Or whatever.

In the same way that i ate a whole box of tic tacs last night, i have a huge pillow firmly entrenched on the right side of my bed. I put it there during a cleaning frenzy and didn’t really think about it, and that night when i crashed out i left the pillow exactly where i first put it down. I slept that way for a few nights, easy and peaceful, before i realized that the pillow occupied the exact spot on my bed that Selina did in hers. And, of course, illusions are easy to see through when you know what they’re really made of. But, i slept well last night anyway.

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/04/3089804/

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Everything has been more vivid lately. It started out with my shirts at work … all of them stand out as if someone coated me with melted crayolas against the bleaker greys and blues my coworkers wear. But, that vividness started to bleed into the rest of my life as well; this weekend sitting on Kathe’s floor singing along to songs that both of us didn’t know the words to i felt more real and grounded than i had in weeks. I’ve been out to eat five nights in a row, surrounded by other people with eyes twinkling and mouths rattling and finally realizing that i’m surrounded by a world where sometimes before it was more like a world surrounding me. At work i have the power to put a smile on someone’s face, or to get them to think about what they’re doing with the rest of there life. I made my friends laugh for an hour straight tonight over dinner just by being me. It’s like my life, in hypercolor: everything is brighter, and the contrast is sharper than ever.

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/03/2980367/

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I wish you could save feelings. I wish i could take raw emotion and seal it airtight in a ziplock back and hide it at the back of my sock drawer for when i needed a reminder of what a really pure feeling felt like. I would hide happiness there, where i could find it anytime … just take a peek in the morning when i put on my socks to make sure it still existed. But, sometimes we need to be reminded of other things too. Sometimes you need to be able to see the entire forest instead of just some trees; sometimes the whole of your emotion can be blinded by the tiny details that catch your eye. I wish i could keep hatred tucked under the tray of my only Offspring cd, because i never even listen to it. But, knowing it’s there makes a difference.

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/03/2980312/

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Isn’t it funny what dreams can reveal to you? As much as they’re random and they shift scene and story wildly from one moment to the next, sometimes you find out things about yourself you were never really sure of. Because, you can repress something you’re feeling all of the day, but that whole time it’s living in your unconscious and awaiting its escape at night. I suppose that’s how i sometimes get work done in my sleep; if i’ve been worrying enough about writing a paper during the day at some point in my dreams i start writing an outline. But, i wasn’t really talking about academia.

I didn’t have the slightest hint of a crush on Laurel until i dreamt about her. One night she was at the center of my dream, smiling and perfect, and in the dream i wanted nothing more than for her to like me … and when i woke up the next morning i started to feel the same way. Did the dream decide on my crush for me, or did i already know how i felt and the dream just opened it up? We all know about the historic proportions the crush took on after it conception, so obviously my dream was right on some level… but which?

I had some revealing dreams last night that told me just where my priorities lie, and i think i was a bit surprised by them. Plot motivation, or reflection of the inner soul? Hard to decide when you don’t even know what’s going on when you’re awake. And god knows i never do…

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/03/2916511/