Crushing Krisis

Comic Books, Drag Race, & Life in New Zealand

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The Human Calculator

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When I go out to eat I am imbued with a special power – restaurant food renders me as THE HUMAN CALCULATOR!

Okay, not really. It’s just that I do quick math in my head all of the time, and compared to the amortization schedules I’ve been juggling lately calculating tips is hardly a challenge.

Why do people need calculators to do this! Here’s an example, from a recent five-person lunch outing that was totally not unique in that I acted as the human calculator.

I know and you know I simply have to multiply the check amount by one plus whatever the tip amount is, but I am the sort of person who does math in chunks. Thus:

The bill was $123.
10% is $12.30, so…
20% is $24.60.
We didn’t want to tip 20%, just 18%…
So, subtract 10% ($1.23) twice from $24.60.
After rounding, the tip is $22, meaning…
the total bill is $145, and we would each pay…
$29 total.

I did that in my head once in about 17 seconds, and then mentally checked my math before people were done with the tip calculator programs on their cell phones. And then they didn’t trust me because I used 18% instead of 20% and rounded by .14 cents, so they calculated it AGAIN!

And then they were like, “Whoa, you totally did that in your head.”

Seriously? SERIOUSLY?! I’m all for computers and smart phones and iPads, but have we seriously become a nation that is so terrifyingly awful at math that we’re intimidated by leaving a tip?! Move the decimal over one place, double that (or, add half if the service was bad), and adjust if necessary. The end.

No wonder mortgage lenders expected me to roll over and play dead whenever they’d change their offer to something seemingly lower. Maybe mere mortals would be tricked, but not THE HUMAN CALCULATOR.

Arcati Crisis Update: new tunes, Muse, summer shows

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Gina and I held an epic-lengthed Arcati Crisis rehearsal last night.

Not only was it our first rehearsal after her run acting in Ms. Reardon Drinks a Little (which I helped her costume), but it was our first chance to catch up on various life and house news in person after two completely insane weeks.

After a slow start to the year, we’ve had an awesome few months as Arcati Crisis – three great shows in the last four months. We’re in good practice and good voice, too. So, why rehearse, rather than head out to an open mic?

The awful truth is, we have only learned one new song in the past 12 months – “Total Eclipse of the Heart.” We’ve effectively been a band touring behind an album, our late-2008 Live @ Rehearsal, Vol. 4. We only have two tunes newer than that release that in our repertoire – “Better” and “Holy Grail” – and both were in regular set rotation by this time last year.

It’s scary to think of us as having an “established” repertoire to tour behind for an entire year. I have musical ADHD – I hate playing the same songs all of the time. My solo material bears this out – the only thing that I play more than 50% of the time is my cover of “Like a Virgin!” Also, lack-of-attention-span aside, we need some new cover-tune artillery to shock and awe our regular audiences with.

As a result, last night we started on the biggest-ever group of new tunes since our inception – five of them! Two originals from me, two new covers (partially derived from fan feedback), and the newest one from Gina.

The one I’m most excited about is “Dumbest Thing I Could Do,” which is my acoustic version of a slutty dance song. I wrote it at the piano, influenced half by Lady Gaga and half by Heart. Gina has already lent it an entire additional layer of funk via harmony and Bee Gee’s style low guitar riffs.

I’m also intrigued by our lark into Muse’s “Starlight.” We don’t usually perform contemporary covers (our only one is “Falling Slowly”), but after hearing Gina deliver a incandescent version of this at a recent night of karaoke I knew we had to give it a try.

The original is devoid of harmony, so I spent a few evenings arranging vocals for each section of the song. They were murder to sing along to the CD or with E, but when Gina and I ran through the song I hit most of them in a single try. It was pretty obvious where I had selected some bum notes, and Gina quickly amended them and added an awesome portion of counterpoint.

(BTW, here is a freaking awesome video of Muse playing Starlight live @ Abbey Road Studios.)

The other cover needs more of an Arcati touch before I talk it up, and my second original and Gina’s new one are in their infancy. We’ll push farther into them as the more exciting pair gets locked into place.

I’m excited to stretch out our improved confidence across a handful of new tunes. Hopefully we’ll begin to debut them at some of our summer shows – so far, we’re playing twice each at the awesome Triumph brewery and the delightful 2nd Saturday event in Collingswood:

  • 6/13, 9:30pm – Featured Set @ Triumph Brewing Company Open Mic, Philly
  • 7/10, TBA – 2nd Saturday in Collingswood, NJ
  • 7/28, 8:00pm – Origivation Magazine Music Series @ Triumph Brewing Company, Philly
  • 9/11, TBA – 2nd Saturday in Collingswood, NJ

    • We’re still seeking an August event, plus one or two parties to play, so if you need some Arcati Crisis in your life please holler!

    Actual thing that just happened in my office

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    (scene: Peter and co-worker giggling maniacally in the hallway in front of our manager’s office)

    Manager: What are you doing out there?

    Me: If we tell you, you have to promise to not fire us for doing it.

    Manager: Sure.

    Me: We’re making a human pyramid in the middle of the hallway.

    Manager: Why?

    Co-worker: So we can take a picture of us in a human pyramid. I’ll be on top! [strikes a legitimate cheerleading pose.]

    Manager: Cool! Can I watch?

    (scene.)

    There was something so pleasant about that place AKA The House, pt. 2

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    Where I last left our intrepid first-time home-buying heroes (i.e., E and I) we went on a financial fact-finding outing that unexpectedly also found a house that met all of our requirements.

    That was two Tuesdays ago.

    On Wednesday morning our Realtor checked in with us to share some newly-acquired intelligence – the house was being shown frequently (even within her office), and had received an offer while we were looking at it! Did we want to submit a competing bid?

    Being the logical-negative (AKA defeatist) person I am in situations involving tens of thousands of dollars, I had talked myself out of it in a matter of minutes. I sent E a series of emails deflating her hopes and lamenting that it just wasn’t meant to be. Too soon, too competitive.

    Being the logical-positive person I married, she pushed back – if it wasn’t meant to be, would it have been so oddly perfect for us, with its new fireplace and kitchen of butcher block and stainless steel? Did it matter that there was another bid on the table?

    Her bottom line: there was certainly no harm in putting in a competing bid, as long as we were comfortable with it. But were we really going to make an offer having seen the house only once?

    (Meanwhile, I was having an intense conversation with Drew via text message and one of my most beloved co-workers unexpectedly gave her two week notice. Between that and the house decision, by 1pm the day had reached a three-ring circus level of crazy.)

    I had such a huge list of house-buying best practices I planned to execute – staking out the house for an entire day to observe the neighborhood, interviewing all of the neighbors, creating a photo & video walkthrough to show friends, measuring each room for potential mapping, singing and playing guitar throughout the house…

    All of you home-owners out there are probably having a chuckle at my expense, but my internal Godzilla runs 24/7 on a proverbial OCD hamster wheel to generate these levels of obsessive-compulsiveness. Despite the implied rush from the frequent showings and competing bid, I couldn’t entirely quell my giant, imaginary, bipedal lizard without engaging in at least a portion of his proscribed OCD investigations.

    Since the idea of all of that was crazy and the day was crazy (and, frankly, I’m crazy enough for the both of us), we decided to put the house to the insanity test – cramming as many of my Godzilla metrics into three hours as possible.

    It was with that mission that we returned to the house 24 hours after our initial visit, armed with a camera, flip cams, tape measures, graph paper, my electric guitar, and Gina’s overpoweringly loud Fender guitar amp.

    We knocked on every neighbor’s door and chatted up anyone we could find. We measured, photographed, and videoed every room. I sat in the attic with Gina’s amp on 8 – so loud I could barely bear to play it, while E walked down the stairs and out of the house.

    Her report? Mild amp sounds in the living room, but outside you couldn’t hear a thing.

    We made up our minds – a bid was going in.

    What followed was exciting, but not in a recapituable way – three hours of amortization schedules, drawing on whiteboards, and eating Twizzlers – resulting in putting in our first offer on our first potential home.

    The excitement did not end there, but my ability to sleep through the night did. More on that in the next post.