shit… i think i’ve cried more this term than i have in any other year of my life since i was a little kid.
by krisis
Personal
As of right now i can tell you it definitely feels like a bad idea. It felt like a bad idea when i said it, and after i said it, and when i got on the elevator, and when i walked outside. Obviously i still liked her or i wouldn’t be so torn up about this, and if i still liked her why would i break up with her? I know… inside of me i saw all the little things that made me unhappy and i said “get out now, before you have too much momentum to get out.” In a way i was right: breaking up tonight was the hardest thing i ever had to do, and the worst thing i’ve ever done to another living person in my life. It would not have been easier to do tomorrow, or the next day, or next week, or next month. Basically, if i didn’t break up with her now i don’t think i ever would, and i don’t like what that implies. Of course, now i’m exactly what i didn’t want to be: another evil ex-boyfriend. But, if i broke up with her in the easiest way i could, not even blaming her for anything, you have to wonder if all of her boyfriends are evil for a reason. Or not. But, i’m definitely evil, and i definitely feel like shit right now. Shit.
What’s funny is that i really don’t have anything mean to say. Even though i’m the one that broke up with her, i think she was the most perfect first girlfriend in the universe and i’d never trade my time with her for anything else. It was just… it just felt like we reached an end. Maybe we had just reached a fork in the road and i’m a blind man so i walked right off the side of the path. Who knows? In six months i’ll make sure to remind you all whether this was a really bad idea or not.
Maybe it only feels like shit because i feel so unattractive and i’m not sure i can ever find anyone beautiful who will like me ever again. Maybe it feels like shit because i established a routine with her and now it’s over and i’m just here. Maybe it feels like shit because i know that i still like her, but that it just wasn’t working. Maybe it feels like shit because we were probably in love. Maybe it feels like shit because i know this is hurting her a lot more than it seems to be hurting me. Maybe i feel like shit because this was a shitty thing to do. Maybe i feel like shit because i’m afraid she won’t find anyone else who’ll really care about her. Maybe i feel like shit because i already miss holding her hand. Maybe i feel like shit because i loved kissing her. Maybe i feel like shit because i deserve a lot worse.
I just broke up. I can’t decide if it feels like the biggest mistake of my life or like taking a breath of fresh air. Probably both. But, more of the first. Shit.