Crushing Krisis

Comic Books, Drag Race, & Life in New Zealand

thoughts

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I feel like i’ve somehow been very far removed from the sort of snap reactions i used to write. Either i don’t make them anymore, or i’m making them somewhere else, or… or now i know just who’s reading and i know if i came to these sorts of snap decisions in front of them it would be ugly or not quite kosher. So, i’m writing these massive meandering essays and it’s ridiculous because i’m hardly getting anywhere. I suppose the cost of an audience that you interact with is that you’re likely to be writing about someone who’s reading you at that very second, and so you have to decide if you want to trade alienation for freedom, and sometimes you don’t have a choice. But, anyhow, i have to go run errands now.

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/08/5277657/

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That was quite a lot of melodrama for 3am, wasn’t it? The behind-the-story story is that i had just come from volunteering at the Philadelphia Folk Song Society and i was running a really high temperature but was somehow wired up and didn’t want to sleep. When i finally did go to sleep i sweat my fever out like a junky, and now i’m sortof in this disoriented haze. But, no chills, just haze. Furthermore, I’m at work, after calling out and deciding i was well enough to come in as long as i didn’t have to do any tour leading today. Bleh. Data entry here we come.

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/08/5126857/

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Emotional melting point, yadda yadda yadda, don’t know what order the sentences came out in, and i promise to make it all coherent later. some other time. i think you can start wherever you want and work up or down, and it won’t make any more or less sense. i think.

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/08/5119849/

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What’s my point with all of this?

We are ten days short of the anniversary of my first post on this blog, and i suppose i’m just trying to discern if anything has really quantifiably changed for me. Because, if it hasn’t – if the only changes are cosmetic and that these posts get longer and fewer and farther between, then this is just another failure; another ended interlude that i just have to use as ammo to the best of my ability in the future.

Of course, i don’t believe that, really, because my life has changed in ways i can’t even really enumerate because of this dumb hunk of internet i call a home. The little things have been shifting and shifting in my life, but overall it’s hard to see the net effect. It’s like the difference between imagining 50,000 pennies piled up in your living room versus one hundred million of them in your driveway; you know that there’s more in one instance as opposed to the other – i can tell that i’m a different person now, but i don’t know by what margin or if i’m better or worse off.

I only bring this all up (only, ha!) because the next month for me is going to be full of movement and opportunities and chances to prove myself, and it’s looming a wee bit too close for comfort right now. But, if i really want to be the reject that i’m supposed to be, i suppose i have to start living up to potential sooner or later.

Enough said. Time for bed.

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/08/5119842/