Crushing Krisis

It seems the whole blogging world has forgotten about me now that i’ve dropped off of P.B. for two days. It’s all been a mess of trying to move into the new apartment (which is currently without phone), so i’ve not been at my computer very often.

All of my non-essential items were moved except for my furniture. So, right now my belongings here consist entirely of my computer system, two changes of clothes, my cds, and my guitar. I refuse to disconnect my computer from one place of residence before it has a place to go in the next place, and without my desk or a phone line there’s really no place for it in the apartment.

Matt and i signed the lease. We don’t seem to have any utilities turned on, a way to get my couch to the apartment, or a way to carry my stuff up the stairs (me – bad shoulder, mom – bad knees). Should be fun. Rest assured that i refuse to sleep there until i can connect to the internet.

I have been every character in American Beauty. I have been miserable for wasting my own time. I have been obsessed with my couch, as it were. I have stood detached and enveloped in beauty. I have known i met someone before even though they forget me. I have been ordinary.

Movies that use a finite number of actors always connect to me on some level. Knowing that everyone from Kevin Spacey to the girl in the burger joint got their own chance to be directed involved me. Every second of American Beauty was beautiful and deliberate, carefully intertwining the characters as it went along. It succeeded where Magnolia failed for me by first showing us connections and then making them abstract, and by filling silence with meaning rather than filling meaning with silence. No one changed as much in Magnolia as they did in Beauty.

Change. From the first scene we know that Lester is horribly self aware. He admits that masturbating in the shower is the high point of his day. He has no illusions, and his lack of them is both his power (against wife Annette Benning) and his weakness (with his detached but cool daughter). We see the result of this lack of illusions play out; he becomes easily content with his life but alienates everyone else.

Also, three twists in the movie that i loved. 1 – Does Lester’s wife want to do that / 2 – Does the kiss really mean anything, or was it just a moment of trying to understand? / 3. Would it really be her first time?

The most intriguing character was the wife next door, and i wish i could tell you why. Sometimes i feel a lot like her. Scott Bakula was cast to a tee; the “partners” line was worth the price of the movie. The movie is worth the price of the movie; the Academy picked well (even after jilting Aimee Mann, featured below).

it’s not what you thought when you first began it

you got what you want now you can hardly stand it though by now you know

It’s not going to stop until you wise up.

you’re sure there’s a cure and you have finally found it

you think one drink will shrink you till you’re underground and living down but

It’s not going to stop until you wise up.

prepare a list for what you need before you sign away the deed ‘cuz

It’s not going to stop until you wise up.

(so just give up)

?

‘Lester Burnham: Remember those posters that said, “Today is the first day of the rest of your life”? Well, that’s true of every day but one — the day you die.’

Anyway, i’m sure this whole week will go down in my history books. Today i learned some things about how i relate to people. How i relate to men older than myself who i view as holding some kind of power. They kick my ass. Somewhere along the line in my high school, where they taught you to be smart (and made me forget how to be intelligent), i lost my nerve to speak up. Sure, i do still voice myself, but only in the form of unquestionable snap judgements and opinions backed up by pages of book knowledge.

I think we can see where these things intersect. Maybe it’s a father-figure thing, and maybe it isn’t. I generally just smile and bear the weight of words rained down upon me by men. I can’t stand up to them. Women are different, because i feel like they don’t expect me to bring testosterone to the table with me. But men do. They always do. There are a few men who i really can’t stand because i feel as though i am much to spineless to their faces and much to strong behind their backs. Today two of them were crossed off the list, even if the ‘x’ was just light. At work i stood up for myself in a heated discussion while staying rational the whole time, and when the alpha-male tried to cut me off i stopped him short and told him to let me talk or shut up.

Do i need to be a bitch to stick up for myself? No. Do i need to establish boundaries before i can gain respect? Yes. How smart i am might be irrelevant, but i refuse to let go of my intelligence. No one can take it away but me.