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You are here: Home / Personal / topics / thoughts / you’ll get older too

you’ll get older too

September 17, 2011 by krisis

This morning I drove the farthest I’ve driven by myself to go to a viewing by myself for the first time.

I don’t know how to do these things. Well, the driving, I suppose I remedially know how to do that. But a viewing? I don’t know.

I dressed how I thought I should dress and wore a white shirt, which I never wear, and I smiled wanly and kept my hands clasped. As the line neared the family I wondered, am I supposed to cry? I felt the valve of tears loosen behind my eyes. I had cried at work when I found out, just for a moment. Then it was too late, and I was crying, and what do you say when you’re the one crying about someone you’ve never met before and the family is hugging you? I don’t know. It’s sad for everyone there, but you’re all there together.

I guess that’s the point.

Now I am seated in bro’s college apartment, talking about the best daytime mixed drinks and the hour it is most appropriate to begin drinking them.

I always think of bro as my slightly-younger peer, but his roommates seem impossibly young. Were Erika and Lindsay this young when we moved in together? I don’t know. Maybe because we were all only children we all grew up as tiny adults, so when we moved in together we were adults, only smaller.

Now I am seated at their kitchen table and I am that old guy, with his laptop and his car keys, whisking bro away for a day of family time.

But I know this context. It feels familiar. I could day drink with them all day. Or, at least, I have. I don’t know if I could any more.

The girls are making apple sauce at the counter. We’re headed outside. Guitar shopping. Another context where I never know who I am.

I wish there were more rules, but then I remember I don’t like rules. I’ll just be me. That should work.

Related posts:

  1. the big kids are in the next room
  2. Children’s Book Review: Stellaluna by Janell Cannon
  3. drive into infinity
  4. sing
  5. continuum

Filed Under: thoughts, Year 12

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Comments

  1. Lindsay Wilhelmi says

    September 19, 2011 at 5:34 pm

    “Maybe because we were all only children we all grew up as tiny adults, so when we moved in together we were adults, only smaller.”

    HA!

Trackbacks

  1. Crushing Krisis › Happy Birthday To This says:
    August 27, 2012 at 1:13 am

    […] a cover of Vogue with an emotional essay attached. E and I took home a band for the night. I attended a funeraland then visited bro in his first […]

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