Crushing Krisis

Comic Books, Drag Race, & Life in New Zealand

my music

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In case you haven’t noticed, i’ve been pretty musical this past week. In fact, with the exception of the 36hours i spent out of the house i’ve recorded something every day since the debut of “Tangled,” and i don’t seem to be showing any signs of slowing down.

When it come right down to it, I still don’t really understand myself when it comes to songwriting. I don’t know why i do it; i do it now because i’m used to doing it — it’s something i do. I suppose i only ever started doing it because Gina took one of my few poems and set it to music, and i thought “hmmm… there’s an idea.” Even the idea to buy a guitar was something that sortof materialized, and i’m frankly still quite shocked that my mom even acknowledged it. The first songs i wrote were rudimentary — scavenged from the handful of chords i knew from songs i had been learning; i rarely ever play them now as a nod to both their immaturity in lyricism and composure. The first song i wrote where i knew what i wanted it to sound like was “Afterglow,” and in the months between that and my at-the-time masterpiece “World In My Hand” i had created that rock-arena in my head where i was on stage and people were watching… people who had favorite songs, who got my silly comments about tuning, and who would want an encore. In the back of my first poetry notebook i have a few pages devoted to these imaginary set-lists that i would devise every few days … now an interesting way to track what songs i played the most and how much i liked them.

What’s so different about Trio, really? I know for sure that i listen to Trio more than anyone else does, mostly because for me it’s a practice take that i can actually learn and grow from. But, why do i do it, and do it so regularly and fanatically? Why do i post my portfolio-mp3s to the page and leave a mostly-empty comment box up for them? Why do i bother to extensively provide an online discography in the song archive? Why do i talk about it all over and over again as if i have some large and attentive audience who follows all of my comments about the evolution of songs and how Weezer’s artistic development makes me cry?

I suppose for the same reason i keep on writing this : obsessively back-linking and spell-correcting posts from three weeks ago and worrying about what i’m going to write about and what will be in the next Trio. Despite obsessive stat- and bandwidth- tracking i still couldn’t really tell you how many people read me every day, or if more than three or four people listen to Trio or download mp3s that i post. I suppose i do them both for the illusion … the the illusion that my voice has escaped the vacuum that is the brick and plaster of my room … that maybe somewhere there is someone i don’t know at all listening with a half grin, humming along.

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/12/7872506/

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For Creative Writing i had to put together a portfolio of all the work i did this quarter, and at the last minute i decided to substitute some recent lyrics in place of a second free-verse that i wasn’t especially pleased with. Theoretically this was entirely fair game, but the thing about my lyrics is i didn’t really revise their content so much as i revised the context in which i used them. So, teacher’s pet that i am, i turned in a cd along with my final portfolio. On it were the following four songs… first grabbed out of their respective trio appearances, and then in these more essential versions.

Until You Awake – This is a song that was always meant to be delicate and intricate, but i never got the chance to strike the right balance in my previous attempts at it. Here is sounds nearly as i imagine it… cascading and balanced. I’m very happy with it.

(just an) Excuse – This is actually the original demo of the song, predating this season’s first Trio. However, it displays some of the directions it was meant to go in a little more accurately than subsequent recordings because here i had more time to prep the guitar-sound and recording range. This isn’t evolved the way “Awake” is; instead, it is more of a suggestion of where the song could be going.

Tangling – This is like a tease of a song… quiet and faded around the edges where the song is usually rambunctious and crackling. The reduction does it some amount of good … you can more easily see what i’m trying to achieve without having to look past the clipped microphone and stressed vocal chords. “Tangling” could very well be the simplest thing i’ve ever written — a sort of retro Beatles-imitation that pits that nebulous concept of “word on the street” against the notorious unnamed “girl.” I know for sure that i like the song, but i suppose the whole point is going to be where i go with it; this could be your only chance to hear it without having to be pulled in all of the various directions i’m trying to go in.

Tangled – Written as a twin to “Tangling,” this song got lost in the rush that was vying for a spot on Trio, yet somehow managed to turn up this week in (what felt like) an incredibly solid rendition (considering i had only played it once, previously). This version is perhaps more tentative then the Trio recorded the day before; it wasn’t meant for display the way the Trio was. This is a more static version, less magnetic … i am settling into the space of the song instead of filling them up so they can be better heard. It’s a simple thing, and much like “Tangling” it’s eventually going to become more about what i can add than about what i can strip away. For now, though, it’s as bare as the day it was born.

This is a nearly definite third of the material that i’ll be recording whenever i finally haul my ass back into the studio, and i’ve tried to distill it down to the most basic of its elements. As such, anything you might have to say about it will be welcome.

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/12/7777772/

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I’ve been having an ongoing conversation with a reader who actually listens and responds to my Trios named Grant since i got out of the hospital, and it’s brought something about myself to light that is central to my current unhappiness. In short, i am imprecise. It isn’t because i lack attention to detail, or the intelligence or skill to see such details through, but because they require too much time and energy. Why do i like to act but not to do shows at Drexel? Because i like the thought of acting as getting on stage and portraying a character, but i don’t like doing the same lines and the same movements the same way every time.

Of course, in almost any semi-professional theatre the entire point is to assimilate the direction and be able to replay it in a consistent fashion. Last night the roomies and I went to see Les Liaisons Dangereuses at the Wilma Theatre, and i was in awe of not only the acting that i saw, but the very precise physicality of the acting. The flounces, the scoffs, the deep breaths … all things that add tremendously to a performance, and all things i tend to gloss over without noticing.

I don’t pretend to be much of an actor; in fact, i quite hate it. Looking back at all of the shows that i’ve done i cannot honestly say that i enjoyed a single role that i’ve portrayed. In each occasion my happy memory is connected to the people i produced a show with rather than my performance itself. As such, i can hardly fault myself for not enjoying the intracies of acting … i simply don’t give a shit.

Where Grant comes is is my songwriting. I might claim to hate acting, but i don’t think anyone can be convinced that i dislike writing and performing my own music; in fact, most of the time it would seem to be the only thing i like to do. Grant has been listening to my songs in in his last email he posed the following question: What do i have against finger-picking? My composing is, almost as a rule, devoid of all riffing and picking unless it’s been specifically inserted. In fact, any song of mine that has acquired a set pattern of picking is by definition in a higher stage of evolution than a song without (see Under My Skin vs. Tangling, or an older Never Say Goodbye vs. its demo version).

My first response to the question was simple: i don’t like to finger-pick. It’s something i’m capable of, but if you listen to my musical influences they are not fluttery pickers — i don’t like the shimmery sound of it. However, there are a vast majority of Peter Mulvey and Ani DiFranco songs where they punch out precise riffs in the midst of their frantic strumming, and of late these riffs have been absent from my songs (examples of which can be found in Lost or Bridge). Suddenly my defense just isn’t; in the past i’ve riffed and rocked, so why don’t i do it all the time?

I don’t know where i was going with this. I don’t fingerpick; i don’t like to fingerpick. I don’t act; i don’t like to act. So, if i’m not doing the things i don’t like, why am i so miserable?

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/12/7703915/