Crushing Krisis

Comic Books, Drag Race, & Life in New Zealand

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Sleepy-time in krisis-land. We’re less than 24-hours to the big anniversary extravaganza. I keep talking about it, but, honestly, nothing amazing’s going to happen. I mean, i’ve already redone the layout for the summer, and did an all day song marathon, and wrote essay-length posts about identity, and appeared in the nude. So, honestly, the few things i’m cobbling together for the celebration are just about all that’s left to do at this point. And, damnit, it’s 4am and i need to be up and in the office by nine thirty, so i’m not taking the time to link to all of those things right now. Especially not the last one. That’s for me to know and for you to unsuspectingly stumble upon ;-)

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/08/5287844/

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I feel like i’ve somehow been very far removed from the sort of snap reactions i used to write. Either i don’t make them anymore, or i’m making them somewhere else, or… or now i know just who’s reading and i know if i came to these sorts of snap decisions in front of them it would be ugly or not quite kosher. So, i’m writing these massive meandering essays and it’s ridiculous because i’m hardly getting anywhere. I suppose the cost of an audience that you interact with is that you’re likely to be writing about someone who’s reading you at that very second, and so you have to decide if you want to trade alienation for freedom, and sometimes you don’t have a choice. But, anyhow, i have to go run errands now.

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/08/5277657/

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Today is a slippery fish of a life that i can barely hold onto, and i’m left trying to catch hold of it with my inadequate hands because i am oh-so-afraid to hurt it with my twines and hooks. Nothing is reeling in, but at the same time i am surrounded by possibilities. I just bought a plane ticket, for the first time ever; my grandmother set up the tickets for last year’s flights to and from Florida.

As life is swimming all around me, i have been spending a lot of time staring at this little white box with my head empty. Rereading the archives has this funny effect of proving that my life is endlessly cyclical, as i keep seeing the same topics churn up to the top. Next week is surely going to be all about once again packing my life into a single truck’s worth of possessions and obsessions and pulling up my roots, just like the first week was. And, looking into the fall, i see the same love/hate of classes, and the same wonderful slow-motion view of my life that i go into when sunlight streams in through new windows, and the chill creeping into the air as i pick a new favourite mug.

I was rereading the archives of the entire year i’m really glad that i have this, and you. My quality of life has improved, as ridiculous as that sounds, and i think this way i might be able to actually learn from my mistakes. And, to think, this all started just as a place to jot things down.

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/08/5252671/

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With me there are intake phases, and output phases. They connect to everything. With writing music i will have a strong output stage where i’m not listening or learning anything unless i’m using it to directly focus back into my output of new songs and covers and things. The same goes for writing on the internet, or working on my webpage, or anything that could be construed as creative work. However, usually they don’t all line up. When i was busy writing new songs i wasn’t really in webdesign output-mode because i wouldn’t have the time to do both. But, somehow last month it all lined up over the course of the two or three days around the BlogAThon, which means now i’m all switched over to input and can hardly create anything. No designs, no new music, and it’s like pulling teeth to get me to blog something.


The more interesting switch that had been flicked somewhere along the way is the one where i used to be able to blog about anything, or nothing… especially nothing, but now i need some sort of inspiration or subject or hard kick in the pants to get me into this tiny white box. That switch was a gradual thing, and you can watch it happen if you read any length of the archives. The only thing is… it wasn’t really intentional, and i don’t think this spareness really represents what i meant to be doing, but neither did the constant rush of new post after new post with no respect for the ones that were scrolling off of the bottom of the page. Of course, my spareness obviously connects a little bit to my lack of output, but it makes me wonder where in the middle of my fifty three archived weeks i reached equilibrium, and how far back i have to track to get back to it.

Yeah, fifty three, i just counted. Because of weird archive-week math that doesn’t mean that i’ve really been here for an entire year, but we are six days away. Wow.

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/08/5174847/