Crushing Krisis

Comic Books, Drag Race, & Life in New Zealand

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I am not liking people very much right now.

I do this about once a month, which makes it sorta my version of PMS on as-of-yet i have no chemical and harmonal imbalances to blame it on. Basically, all of the people in my life just start to feel like cardboard cutouts and Gap manequins that i don’t really have a ton of emotion tied up in, and i’m not sure if it’s because i don’t communicate with anyone well enough or if they were 2-dimensional and posed to begin with. Right about now i almost wish that Blogger was just a major metro city and all the happy little bloggy people i talk to were just down Market street or across the river or something, because i’m not even remotely talking to more than one or two of my actual friends on a regular full-disclosure basis. Shall we take a head-count? I have the theatre crowd who i keep swearing off and rejoining, and the admissions/drexel crowd who i go incommunicado with even though they’re genuinely nice people, and the music crowd that suddenly turned into one big couples vacation, and the highschool crowd who i never see, and after all that i’m just feeling crowded and there aren’t really any individual people in there just bunches. Like grapes. Do you ever see a bunch of grapes and stare at one and say “i want to buy that bunch of grapes so i can eat that one very special grape?”

And, to make this all just as pathetic as it is annoying, i claim to be feeling more lonely than usual as of late. I think i just need one certain person (not necessarily romantically) to be cool and nice and not dramatic to get me through this bitter little stretch, but i don’t know who they are. Sadly, they can’t be Benjy or Nancy or Rabi or any other internet person i talk to more than i talk to my actual friends, because this person needs to be actual and physically available to do things with. And, the sad thing is, i have people who would be that person for me, but i’m not totally interested in being that person for them. Of course, this is just a symptom of bigger issues, like my grass-is-greener kind of capriciousness where i hop from interest to interest without ever delving into anything… only instead of albums and hobbies we’re talking about fleshy & feeling people. I can tell if this has been developing ever since my last ditching of the theatre crowd and ignoring all of my other friends for Selina, or if this is a direct result of having just gone through an “acquire” phase where all the people i really like consistently got shelved like cds from last fall, but either way i”m here with this constantly compiling mass of new people, and new things, and new music, and i just hate all of it.

I wish someone would formally diagnose me with some of the problems i’m a walking case-study for so i don’t feel quite so self-concious and insipid talking about them here, but what is blogger if it isn’t the pop-psychologist that doesn’t talk back for the inner only-child of us all?

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/07/4592467/

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I was totally frantic and unfocused yesterday because i was running on 2 hours of sleep and a bag of corn chips that i ate early Sunday morning. Everything in my life keeps falling apart. First of all, i’m falling apart … i went back to the dentist yesterday to try to get my filling situation fixed and he only made it worse. Naive to the ungodly amounts of pain i was about to return myself to i absently-mindedly popped a piece of Trident into my mouth at Tower Records and wound up having to hide in the easy-chair in the periodicals section because i was in too much pain to coherently browse through the records. And, anyhow, i would never pay more than $16 for an album.


Everything is falling apart pieces at a time… Matt took a turn at locking himself out of the apartment today, so i loaned him my keys… except for i couldn’t remember where i put the spares after i got locked out last tuesday, so he had to keep my keys for the entire day. The apartment is a warzone … my physical possessions seem to multiply while i’m away to make more bric-a-brac crap for me to throw on the floor when i get back. Packing for my new apartment at the end of August should be entertaining… out of mine and into the (currently unconfirmed) new place in 12hours flat. Righhht.

I know this is banal, but i have things coming at me from too many directions right now to be able to do anything more than just report on them. And the counselor meeting just let out. Away i go!

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/07/4587987/

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I am a masochist, and not just emotionally. My teeth hurt. Of course, this is naturally, because i just had two rather large teeth filled up with something other than tooth. However, the one on the left seems to be a lot angrier than the one on the right, and if i bite down onto something just right it feels like i’m jabbing a fork right into my brain. So, of course, to make sure that this condition is continuing and not just random i’ve been chewing gum like a fiend. Last night i took enough pain relievers that chewing gum really wasn’t that bothersome, and this morning i even ate a granola bar, but just now i popped in a piece of gum and i was seeing stars after sinking into it with my molar. The pain was so distracting that i literally sat down in the middle of the hallway and put my head between my knees for two minutes. Of course, that could’ve been a fluke, so i should really get some more gum just to check, but either way i’m going to the dentist again on Monday.

Masochism. Yum.

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/07/4536143/

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I had forgotten the smell that you smell when a piece of your tooth starts getting grinded down into obscurity, and the gentle numb pressure as you click your hollow teeth against one another, and how the drill sings flight of the bumblebee to you if you close your eyes, and how when you open them that light overexposed everything entirely.


I haven’t had a cavity filled for nearly a decade, and that dusty gritty smell sent me back to third grade when everything was disconnected and my dentist was a cabin in the middle of the woods when compared the vast city when compared to my unassuming house on 64th street. Really it was just out in the suburbs and it had a small driveway and back then dense shrubbery constituted a forest of redwoods. My tongue is the most active part of my body and it always swirls and peeks around my mouth when i have something done to it. It swiped a tiny spy at the filling as my dentist turned away, and now i’m afraid i created some tiny pocket of insecurity and that everything will be able to infiltrate up to my brain if it can make it past my lips (which makes kissing scenes all the more dangerous). But, anyhow, i woke up at 6:30 and i’m playing the dreaded acoustic night with the same amount of cheery unpreparedness with with i approached it last time. Off i go.

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/07/4512447/