Crushing Krisis

Comic Books, Drag Race, & Life in New Zealand

self-aware

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We are producing two student written plays that are very witty and funny and i got cast as the male lover in both of them against the same female lover. I didn’t really think about the reality of kissing someone night after night on stage when i was auditioning, but now it looks like i am adding one more person to my impeccably neat little list of lips i have locked with, and my irrational fear of herpes alarm bell is ringing like mad. And, chat logs are lame.

Peter: I’m feeling much more apple-pie than normal

Rabi: is it fun?

Peter: No, not really. Well, the kissing thing is very shocking, but of all the people i could be kissing it’s absolutely the person i’m most ambivalent about kissing … which is good, because – no trouble. But, which is bad, because i am a romantic and meeting a girl in a love scene (or a making out repeatedly scene, as the case may be) in a play works out in my head

Rabi: the thing about those romantic fantasyish scenarios is that they have such a slight chance of ever being as good as they could be in a story or a song or whatever

Peter: Well, one of the other people i could be kissing met her boyfriend freshmen year doing the play. So, i didn’t want to kiss her either, cause it would be weird. I really wanted the almost-kiss girl to audition, because we would definitely get cast against each other.

Peter: And, of course, in my head my current partner quits the play in a huff and her replacement is some perfect girl and we fall for each other madly, but that’s just how things work in my head. They have a certain sort of gravitational symmetry

Rabi: kismet ?

Peter: Yes, but Kismet in Peter’s-Head Romantic Gravitational Units (phRGU) instead of Real-World Romantic Gravitational Units (rwRGU)

Rabi: I totally read that as fargo

Rabi: phrgu that is

Rabi: in some ways though isn’t it better to imagine it than have it actually happen? or something?

Peter: Um….

Peter: I think that’s been too much of my life so far. I mean, you read my page, right?

That sums it all up pretty well, i think. And remember, equations involving Crushing Krisis always need to be equated into phRGU. Or, fargos, for short.

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/07/4494829/

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This weekend beat the crap out of me, and it didn’t help any that i got in tonight at 8. A lot of stuff transpired in my head but nothing made it onto here. I was walking home from the guitar store on Friday night and i passed the shell of a dragonfly dead on the ground; it was a battered exoskelton with the middles of its wings gone so it was just like a stencil of itself. I had something really profound to say about that on friday, but now i just wish i had a camera with me.

This weekend was exactly that… perceptions frozen in perfect little moments that don’t really click in recollection. Yesterday i swam for three hours straight, and i haven’t swam for more than a minute or two in over two years. It wasn’t easy, and today i’m in all sorts of aches and pains because of it, but i feel slightly more in shape now. I am out of shape. This weekend is the first time i’ve been in revealing circumstances (swim trunks) and people haven’t remarked on my thinness; in fact, they said i looked as though i had gained some weight. People think i’m joking when i say i feel heavy, but i’m not joking. I feel like some kind of parody of a supermodel always saying she needs to lose a few more pounds, but i honestly can’t stand myself at this weight. I know, i have issues.

People think i’m kidding about issues. I remember as far back as age 7 or 8 not wanting to take my shirt off at the beach because i didn’t like how i looked in just swim trunks. In middle school i got changed in the corner of the locker room because i was afraid that i was chunky enough that i looked like i had breasts (definitely not a valid concern). In high school i wore hospital scrubs in gym so that no one would see the round hairy legs that betray the rest of my build as being something other than slim or wirey. There’s a backstage picture of me from senior year where i don’t have my shirt on, and it looks like you can fit two hands around my waist or roll a marble down the center of my chest and it would stop in the puddle of my belly-button in the middle of my unreally flat stomach. I love that picture. I know that i was unhealthy and too-thin and that it made people uncomfortable, but i felt comfortable and didn’t mind showing my body off. Now i hide it… people at parties remark that i am spectacularly unglamorous latlely and laugh it off when i seriously reply that i feel too fat. And now everyone else is comfortable with my body except for me, and i don’t know which i prefer.

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/07/4459359/

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My mother breezes through the office on the way to the seashore and she is famous. Administrative assistants fawn over her. Tour guides smile politely. I understand people being ungodly nice to my family as if they actually liked me when i’m there to witness it, but the fact that they did it while i was safely hidden away in the bookstore makes me think people here actually like me. She was gone in a flash-bang of blonde-streaked hair and bandages on her arm before i could really talk to her much, and i came back to my office to find this sitting on my chair.
Naturally i assumed that it was provided by my mother… with phrases like “Others find it difficult to accept your domineering and, at times, argumentative manner” that fit well with our generally contentious yet friendly relationship (“there is little demonstration of sentiment, appreciation, sympathy, or encouragement”). However, the piece of paper in question was placed not by mommy-dearest but by Izabelle, fellow admissions employee and all-around partner in crime.

Now, i’m typically the most critically skeptic person i know about these personality indicators, but i think there’s something to this one only because of the combination of my first and middle names. Peter apparently predisposes me to be “not inclined to merge [my] opinions and viewpoints with others” and to be “invariably quite direct and candid, and lacks the moderating tone of tact” (in highschool i was known as the boy who wholly was lacking tact). I find it “difficult to find the right words.”

Right. Which is why i talk so fucking much.

Meanwhile, the more interesting determination is the flavouring given by my middle name: “Your pleasant manner attracts people to you with their problems and you are capable of offering practical advice, though you would probably not follow such advice yourself.” Right. The thing is, the majority of the names i look up have summaries that obviously aren’t applicable to the people they represent in my life, and a quick browse through the site reveals the same sentences used in combinations again and again in different opposite seeming names. So, it just happened to get the combo right in a way that it really struck me. That’s how scam-artists work (they want you to pay them for a more exact description).

Oh, yeah, and “weaknesses in the health caused by [your] name center in the head.” Heh.

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/07/4346382/

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Because i am indecisive, and because i enjoy making work for myself, i have a huge database set up with all of the songs from the link at the top of this page and a tidy numerical ranking system which will average out my song-liking whims over the course of the next week to give me an idea of what deserves to be recorded. It weighs my somewhat objective view of each song’s merits against my subjective want to play them, and today these are the top ten results it produced: Up + Down, Over You, Give, Icy Cold, Unstrung, All That’s True, Splinter, Necessary Evil, Nothing To Say, Atlas Girl. That might not mean anything to you, so let me give you some background information:

Up + Down, Over You, Unstrung, Necessary Evil, and Splinter are the majority of my newest songs, and so i am overwhelmingly in love with them i and i want to record them while they’re fresh. I was having a very dry spell that was months long up until Splinter popped out of my mouth without any warning, and since then i have been actively writing and rewriting what amounts to an album of all-new material. Give is a song from my Freshman Year Demo (Other Plans) that i probably should have rerecorded for Relief this Spring. Icy Cold and Nothing To Say were the two alternate songs for Relief that i never recorded in the studio despite liking them very much. Atlas Girl is a song i wrote and played twice nearly two years ago, and then totally forgot about. When i began conceptualizing this event i found it in the back of my old poetry book and recalled its chords in less than a minute; now i am quite smitten with it. So, as of today those would be 10 songs sure to be heard during this little event, but they might not make it through the decision process, and then recording, and then mastering, and then posting. More peeks at potential songs in the weeks to come. But, for now, g’nite!

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/06/4261869/

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Dear Blogger,

You win. I quit.

This has all been a very wonderful experience but right now it just makes me miserable to see my posting window because i know i’ve lost all of my past to you and your stupid machines. Yes, i still have it, and i backed it up, but i hate this feeling of impermance. I am frustrated.


This is an inopportune time for me to stop, since i have more people paying attention to me than ever have before, but i refuse to attach misery to writing … it defeats the entire purpose for me. I am a perfectionist. I re-edit posts from December for one-letter spelling errors. Of course, i can’t do that now because i can’t publish to my December archive, or any other one for that matter. But, that is only part of the problem.

Maybe i will come back tomorrow. I hope i will come back tomorrow. In the meantime, have fun with your thousands of new users every month and your totally free blogspot. I suppose i’m just realizing that nothing free is ever worth the price; or maybe it’s worth exactly the price i’m paying. Either way, my offer stands: i’d love to purchase a pro account at any point when you offer one.

I apologize to my readers for all of this drama; sometimes life and the physical act of posting just eclipses what i have to say. I still love writing for you, and i am not quitting that – i just need a new venue. In the meantime, you can find me at Repulsed and CorLog. However, the latter is posted with Blogger, so don’t get too attached :)


all my love,

-peter


(ps: if you want to help in some way, please go here and read.)

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/06/4139450/