Crushing Krisis

Comic Books, Drag Race, & Life in New Zealand

self-aware

by

Isn’t it sick how i use my personal misery as fodder for traffic? Ironically, i stubbornly refused to talk about her while i was dating her because it seemed like a private affair, but this log has always been about yearns and burns, and i’m definitely doing a lot more of both right now than i’ve been doing recently. Still, this does feel a little destructive – but it also feels rather cathartic: i can unload bits and pieces of it on my friends, but here i can unload all of it and have it to come back to as proof of what i was feeling. And, godforbid i ever lose track of a feeling … maybe i should have blogged about how much i liked her to begin with.

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/03/2718694/

by

Well, that’s one to sleep on, isn’t it?

Meanwhile, after the party ended i wound up at ben’s dorm room, hanging out with Ben and his roommate and our castmate Sharon and playing electric guitar on the floor until i got sober. I don’t know if i’ve ever mentioned Ben … but i’m not actually friends with him. It’s more like being jealous of his whole being and also thinking he’s really cool (a long story, partially having to do with his golden voice and partially having to do with girls liking him) . Except… suddenly we’re friends, and we hug each other goodbye and have dumb guy conversations to annoy Sharon because she’s the only girl in the room. I think being friends with more guys who i genuinely like would really add something to my social status right about now, and if there was anyone i ever really liked it would be Ben.

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/03/2715923/

2711572

by

Isn’t it funny how i’m going to a farewell party for Laurel tonight, because she’s leaving the country in a week or two, and so i broke up with my girlfriend. Did i just want to make sure that i really did like her more then i ever liked Laurel, just to prove that i really did like her and wasn’t just settling for her. Because… Laurel never liked me back. You can only like someone so much when they never return it..

by

As of right now i can tell you it definitely feels like a bad idea. It felt like a bad idea when i said it, and after i said it, and when i got on the elevator, and when i walked outside. Obviously i still liked her or i wouldn’t be so torn up about this, and if i still liked her why would i break up with her? I know… inside of me i saw all the little things that made me unhappy and i said “get out now, before you have too much momentum to get out.” In a way i was right: breaking up tonight was the hardest thing i ever had to do, and the worst thing i’ve ever done to another living person in my life. It would not have been easier to do tomorrow, or the next day, or next week, or next month. Basically, if i didn’t break up with her now i don’t think i ever would, and i don’t like what that implies. Of course, now i’m exactly what i didn’t want to be: another evil ex-boyfriend. But, if i broke up with her in the easiest way i could, not even blaming her for anything, you have to wonder if all of her boyfriends are evil for a reason. Or not. But, i’m definitely evil, and i definitely feel like shit right now. Shit.

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/03/2711375/

by

Maybe it only feels like shit because i feel so unattractive and i’m not sure i can ever find anyone beautiful who will like me ever again. Maybe it feels like shit because i established a routine with her and now it’s over and i’m just here. Maybe it feels like shit because i know that i still like her, but that it just wasn’t working. Maybe it feels like shit because we were probably in love. Maybe it feels like shit because i know this is hurting her a lot more than it seems to be hurting me. Maybe i feel like shit because this was a shitty thing to do. Maybe i feel like shit because i’m afraid she won’t find anyone else who’ll really care about her. Maybe i feel like shit because i already miss holding her hand. Maybe i feel like shit because i loved kissing her. Maybe i feel like shit because i deserve a lot worse.

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/03/2711258/