No matter what room i pick in our new apartment i have a slopey ceiling and a wall all in red brick and mortar. My mother and i were looking at houses the summer after my Junior year in highschool, and every house was a fight. I was insistent on staying within an easy commute of my highschool, and she was insistent on not buying some horrid house just so i could be close to my highschool. There was one last house we looked at before we finally looked at rentals, and it was in this odd mid-suburb that’s actually still a part of philadelphia. It was a compromise… wide flat streets with sidewalks tucked inbetween grass on either side, sagging porch roofs extending out from standalone single and double homes that looked grey and sad. I was bitter and disinterested, because it would be nearly impossible for me to get to school from there, but i remember walking up to the third floor and my mother saying it would be wholly mine and seeing how half the walls were brick and i had my own tiny bathroom and how the ceiling sloped at angles from the top of the roof down to the eaves and thinking … “but, i could live here. this could feel like a home.”
Today the realtor walked down the stairs to leave me be and i stood spinning on the top floor at 44th and Walnut streets thinking “i can live here. this can be home.”
Personal
I want their job so bad that it hurts. Journalism is nice. Music is great. But the combined thrust of academics and theatrics wrapped up in top of the line internet technology makes being a PuppetMaster the best job on earth. I suppose this means i should be sending out my resume to good old MS, eh?…
So, hi, i’m sortof … on the prowl right now. Like, not as though i’m walking the streets checking people out or anything, but i have interest. This is a massive change from approximately a week ago when i wanted to be left wholly alone. Hi, i’m totally bipolar. Meanwhile, in these stupid plays we’re doing, i have to make out in both with the same person. This we had established. However, what we hadn’t established is that the girl i have to suck face with is the emotional carbon copy of Selina, and that our relations are quickly breaking down to the sort of call-and-response deadly bitchiness where Selina and i left off. Seeing as we need chemistry and stuff, this is not the best situation in the entire world.
Tonight i came to the decision that more people need to actively dislike me. A lot of people are very indifferent to me, and a few people have a mild distaste for me, but no one wholly dislikes me and in my own experience that’s a bad sign. Am i so underwhelming that no one has formed a strong opinion on me? In high school i was loud, opinionated, and socially fearless. Now i’m of medium volume, strong preferenced, and socially timid. This whole year should be… interesting.
I just had to let everyone in the office know that we were having a party. Entirely in mime or lounge lizard versions of “Celebration.” How many times have you told your co-worker down the hall “Come to the conference room @ 4:30pm for a party, and make sure to bring your knife and some napkins!” entirely in hand gestures and dance moves from the 80’s while they’re on the phone? It was like being my own roving charades minstrel… bleh, this day sucks.
I am restless and twitching and doing tiny spurts of work as if it can release the pressure on my brain. Loosen the valves, let of some steam, be able to breathe again. It is not working. Laughing and chaos keeping bleeding in from every which direction and i have resorted to fantasy credit-card shopping for new cds and sheet music, though i might just click buy just for fun. There are some very specific emotions i attach to this restlessness… a sort of post-tired pre-miserable need for something to happen, and for it to happen loudly. And distraction… i practically have whiplash from all the distraction.