Yesterday i met up with Andrea, who used to be the third person in our little circle of insanity along with Gina and I. For some obscure reason Andrea and i hadn’t seen each other since graduation, so our time together was chock full of catching up on all the people we’ve been crushing on since then, and all the music we’ve been listening to. Inexplicably, i managed to spend $40 on used cds despite claiming that my only goal for the day was to buy Pinkerton, which i never did find.
What’s was funny is that we ran into another one of our fellow graduates quite randomly in a diner, and we proceeded to sit and chat for a while. All of us seemed to agree that this “getting old” business was no fun, and that we still had dreams more than we had goals. But, then i said how i felt like a totally different person now and the two of them looked at me as though i had grown a new head (which, apparently, would be the only way they could imagine feeling different; alas, it was the same head they’d always known). I honestly do feel like a different person, because now i’m living a life different than the one i had been living. I live on my own, i have nearly all new friends, and my personality has even changed a little. I’m not the same! But, anyway, they both said they didn’t feel any different at all, which is part of what was bothering them about getting older. Maybe they changed, and they just don’t yet know how…
Personal
I have this magical ability to sleep. Not like Matt’s … Matt can magically sleep at any time for hours at a time. That’s just called slothfullness. What i can do is go to sleep around 6pm and then stay totally asleep until past sun-up the next morning, having all sorts of freaky dreams along the way. Typically i only do that when i’m a little under the weather, but i’ve done it twice now in the past week, so i think it now qualifies as a magical ability. Of course, now i’m awake, and i’ve got four hours to clean before we have our first intentional gathering in the apartment. What fun…
I spoke with my mom about Selina for the entire ride to the mall. She was proud that i was “adult enough” to break up even though it would have been easier (and happier) for me to stay put. She thinks in hindsight this will all make sense, but what she can’t understand is how unworthy i’ll feel. Selina pointed out in her journal today how beautiful and talented she is … and i agree wholeheartedly. Being with her made me feel wanted, because she actually wanted me, and i needed that in my life for once. The other side of the coin is that i won’t ever know if i’m worth anything to anyone else if i were to stay with her, and i have to know that. I spent so long as someone no one could care enough about to spend that much time with, and at once i’m afraid that Selina’s the only person who would ever like me and hopeful that she was just able to find the traits in me that anyone else could find. It’s not that i want more (more girls, more attention, more devotion, ect) … i just need to know.
Of course, since i can hardly explain it to you i could hardly express it to my mother. She has the eyes of a mother, and couldn’t possibly imagine why anyone wouldn’t like me. Little does she know about all the inadequacy and worthlessness and whatnot i’ve gone through and how Selina changed all of it. And, of course, as soon as i found that i got rid of it.
I guess it’s just getting harder and harder for me to accept us being broken up as we’re apart more and more; i wanted to cheat the process and be able to talk to her every day and see her once a week, and now she’s not even thinking of me and that makes me feel like i’m totally worthless all over again. I suppose i do want to hang us up in relationship limbo, which is nothing but unfair to her. I don’t want to regret missing out on college because i was stuck in a contentious relationship, but i don’t want to finish college knowing that she was the one and i was too selfish to ever realize it. Either way, i’m stuck. Hopefully this way i’ll actually learn something about myself…
Well, this is lovely. My server is functional again, and so now Blogger has decided to stop working. God forbid i should have a whole day of uninterrupted service…
Whee! After intense shopping i can safely say that i have the ability to dress really sharp and look all hip. And stuff. Yeah. It’s amazing what a quick shopping spree can do for your self esteem.