Wow… that’s the most personal thing i’ve ever said on here. I’ve never told that to anyone. Frightening: i’m starting to take the internet seriously.
by krisis
thoughts
The funny thing is, i really almost would drop out of school if i found a reasonable alternative. Me… super-involved, happy… the kind of student that would commit hari-kari if my GPA dropped below a 3.5 for longer than a single quarter. I suppose what makes me remarkable (or, remarkable when compared to an average drop-out) is that i feel like a need a reason. In reality, i don’t feel like i’m getting anywhere. I don’t feel as though i’m being taught a single marketable skill, and i don’t know if i’m ever going to learn any. No one has managed to challenge me while keeping it interesting. Not once. Not since Junior Year of highschool. That year in my american history class i had to research a dead person. We had a picnic in a cemetery and we had to chose a tombstone of someone who died previous to 1900, and we had to write an outline of their life: pictures of where they lived, spouse’s name, what they died of, what hospital they were born in. I’ve never had to even contemplate a task as harrowing, and if a professor asked me to do the same thing again tomorrow i’d drop his class in a split second. In the absence of challenge i’ve grown so complacent and afraid of my own mental effort that i’m actually afraid to do anything intelligently. Should Philosophy have really been as hard as i made it out to be? Would it help you if you knew i didn’t read any more than 20 pages of any of the textbooks? What if i told you that i haven’t read more than 20 pages of anything the entire time i’ve spent at Drexel? Yes… i purposely handicapped myself and at last check i had a 3.6 GPA. It’s days like these i wish i made it into an Ivy League school … but my effort is all circular now. I need a challenge to rise to, but i’ll probably shy away from it anyhow.
Ugh. I really don’t know if i can truly survive this semester. It’s actively trying to kill me. If i am still breathing at the end of 10weeks and i haven’t dropped out of school yet then i’ll be a better person for it. I have the keys to the studio this week, and i’m gonna try to smuggle out some audio for you! Also, i’ve been practicing for an all-cover-song trio, and it’s gonna rock. Yay! I need positive thoughts right now. Ok… this is insipidly boring. G’nite.
It was snowing earlier. Again. But now it stopped. I think i very well might make it through this winter, but it’s something we’ll just have to see about. There’s a lot between here and sunny days, and this is only the first week of it all. It will not get easier. Life does not get easier. I’ll keep you updated, though…
I’m having one of those “small cog in an infinite universe” kind of days. I remember when i was younger i fancied the Earth as a single cell in a body, with all of us reduced to that stuff that floats around the nucleus – and we could barely even comprehend the sum total of our own cell let alone the entirety of our body or beyond. Of course, i eventually learned what all that stuff around the nucleus was called. As my plane came in from Florida i glanced out of the window and saw the entirety of Philadelphia laid out all in the yellow glow of street lamps and the tiny winking brake lights of hundreds of cars. It felt as though i could snap a photo of it all and load it into SimCity… replacing my apartment building with a lush condominium and widening all of the streets in South Philly so there would be room to park.
I’m nothing but a single Sim in my city. I never played any of the newer versions of SimCity, but i remember the original clearly from way-back. Imagine just a single person in that city. Would they visit every building? On any given day would they even waste a thought on the outlying suburbs or the densely packed inner-city streets? My range within Philadelphia is so very limited, and as the plane descended and i could make out distinctive landmarks it was as if my daily path was highlighted especially in the wash of all of those orangey street lamps, and it was as tiny and restricted as those country roads that i claim to despise so much. Maybe what i like about the city is the illusion of options, and not the option themselves. Or maybe i should go to sleep on long plane rides. Any thoughts?