Crushing Krisis

Comic Books, Drag Race, & Life in New Zealand

adulthood

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Today is a slippery fish of a life that i can barely hold onto, and i’m left trying to catch hold of it with my inadequate hands because i am oh-so-afraid to hurt it with my twines and hooks. Nothing is reeling in, but at the same time i am surrounded by possibilities. I just bought a plane ticket, for the first time ever; my grandmother set up the tickets for last year’s flights to and from Florida.

As life is swimming all around me, i have been spending a lot of time staring at this little white box with my head empty. Rereading the archives has this funny effect of proving that my life is endlessly cyclical, as i keep seeing the same topics churn up to the top. Next week is surely going to be all about once again packing my life into a single truck’s worth of possessions and obsessions and pulling up my roots, just like the first week was. And, looking into the fall, i see the same love/hate of classes, and the same wonderful slow-motion view of my life that i go into when sunlight streams in through new windows, and the chill creeping into the air as i pick a new favourite mug.

I was rereading the archives of the entire year i’m really glad that i have this, and you. My quality of life has improved, as ridiculous as that sounds, and i think this way i might be able to actually learn from my mistakes. And, to think, this all started just as a place to jot things down.

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/08/5252671/

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I was just a real person with a real life for a whole week. I work for a living, i go out to eat, i pay bills, i write songs, i have friends, i have romantic interests. I don’t think i’ve ever spent another week as vivid and adult before in my entire life. And i don’t think i’ve ever felt so randomly tossed around by everything that’s been happening to me – maybe control is for the uninteresting.

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/03/2996278/

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Yesterday i met up with Andrea, who used to be the third person in our little circle of insanity along with Gina and I. For some obscure reason Andrea and i hadn’t seen each other since graduation, so our time together was chock full of catching up on all the people we’ve been crushing on since then, and all the music we’ve been listening to. Inexplicably, i managed to spend $40 on used cds despite claiming that my only goal for the day was to buy Pinkerton, which i never did find.


What’s was funny is that we ran into another one of our fellow graduates quite randomly in a diner, and we proceeded to sit and chat for a while. All of us seemed to agree that this “getting old” business was no fun, and that we still had dreams more than we had goals. But, then i said how i felt like a totally different person now and the two of them looked at me as though i had grown a new head (which, apparently, would be the only way they could imagine feeling different; alas, it was the same head they’d always known). I honestly do feel like a different person, because now i’m living a life different than the one i had been living. I live on my own, i have nearly all new friends, and my personality has even changed a little. I’m not the same! But, anyway, they both said they didn’t feel any different at all, which is part of what was bothering them about getting older. Maybe they changed, and they just don’t yet know how…

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/03/2829640/

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I spoke with my mom about Selina for the entire ride to the mall. She was proud that i was “adult enough” to break up even though it would have been easier (and happier) for me to stay put. She thinks in hindsight this will all make sense, but what she can’t understand is how unworthy i’ll feel. Selina pointed out in her journal today how beautiful and talented she is … and i agree wholeheartedly. Being with her made me feel wanted, because she actually wanted me, and i needed that in my life for once. The other side of the coin is that i won’t ever know if i’m worth anything to anyone else if i were to stay with her, and i have to know that. I spent so long as someone no one could care enough about to spend that much time with, and at once i’m afraid that Selina’s the only person who would ever like me and hopeful that she was just able to find the traits in me that anyone else could find. It’s not that i want more (more girls, more attention, more devotion, ect) … i just need to know.

Of course, since i can hardly explain it to you i could hardly express it to my mother. She has the eyes of a mother, and couldn’t possibly imagine why anyone wouldn’t like me. Little does she know about all the inadequacy and worthlessness and whatnot i’ve gone through and how Selina changed all of it. And, of course, as soon as i found that i got rid of it.


I guess it’s just getting harder and harder for me to accept us being broken up as we’re apart more and more; i wanted to cheat the process and be able to talk to her every day and see her once a week, and now she’s not even thinking of me and that makes me feel like i’m totally worthless all over again. I suppose i do want to hang us up in relationship limbo, which is nothing but unfair to her. I don’t want to regret missing out on college because i was stuck in a contentious relationship, but i don’t want to finish college knowing that she was the one and i was too selfish to ever realize it. Either way, i’m stuck. Hopefully this way i’ll actually learn something about myself…

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/03/2813225/

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But, anyway, back to sex. It isn’t worth it, honestly. First off, i don’t trust birth control pills one bit. Sure, they’re over 90% effective when used correctly, but between human error and that remaining 10% they’re basically just useful for clearing up your skin and keeping your cycle regular. Condoms are also highly effective… over 98% when used correctly and with spermicide. Yet, nearly every couple whose sex-life i’ve been privy to has had a condom failure of some kind, whether it was their fault or not.

And then there is emotion. Sure, sex feels nice (or so i hear), but how many people do you really want to be entangled with on that level, physically or emotionally. Because, no matter what reasoning you assign or what protection you use, every time you have sex you’re not only agreeing to risk swapping rather vital bodily fluids, but you’re also entering into the contract of parenthood. If you play it safe, chances are that you’ll never have to step up to the plate on either of those charges, but they’re both the kind of thing that can forever alter a life.

Or maybe i’ve been a peer counselor long enough to be scared of everything and to know better than commit careless human error. Either way… it isn’t worth it. At least, i don’t think it is. Of course, i haven’t had any of it so i don’t suppose i’m qualified to make a decision for you, but you’ve got my opinion on it.

I’ll shut up now. Really, i will…

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/03/2769414/