Okay, so, don’t hold me to this at a later date, but i’m really happy that my crush on Teri wound up nowhere. Any tiny kiss or single date that theoretically could have taken place in the last half year pales in comparison to the continued elation we have when we see each other or the way i like to just sit and listen to her talk about anything. I love to listen to people talk about their lives and their future, but most of the time i just feel like i prattle on endlessly about myself for lack of anything else to talk about. But, today i just got lost in a conversation about drum corps and houses in Northeast Philly and bullets and everything and by the time we got back to me all i had to talk about was how my life was just a flatline with no indication of movement in any direction up until just a handul of years ago and that i’m not really used to it yet.
I kept staring out of the window at green leaves waving like hundreds of tiny flags on the wind. I guess all you need is something to carry you along.
Too damned soon. Don’t know what else to think or say. I feel a little shattered.
Leaving for work yesterday morning began a sequence of events that would leave me rushing from place to place for the entire weekend with just moments like these to catch my breath; work, rehearsal, dyke march, cast party, sleep, car wash, scavenger hunt, ushering, dinner, sleep, ushering, striking the set. Everything was going just fine until the cast party, during which a combination of all sorts of factors left me dumb and sleeping in a stupor (although i made it back here, in an example of (a very addled) mind over matter). I woke up this morning not hungover but instead still mildly drunk, which made the walk to the car wash an interesting incident. However, totally raising the average estimated value of my day was that fact that Teri decided to come all the way in from Shippensburg to hang out with our chapter of PNE for the day. Seeing as she’s about to disappear off of the face of my earth for three months, i have to say i was happy to see her. But, anyway, somewhere in there i played some hardcore ultimate frisbee, and now i have to run off to see what the rest of the night has in store for me. Should be interesting…
Set from the Dyke Benefit: “Punk,” “Other Plans,” “Gravel,” “Under My Skin.” Break. “Relief,” “I Kissed a Girl.” Break. “Bridge.” (As opposed to the planned “Other Plans,” “Relief,” “Material Girl,” “Lost,” “Under My Skin,” “I Kissed a Girl.”)
You know, sometimes resolve in one part of a song is just a bridge to more tension in the rest of it (which is really what “Bridge” is about musically and lyrically). Remember when i said i had resolve with Selina? Well… that was resolve on our whole post-romance situation, which leaves us now just as casual friends who happen to share two common months of history. But, i’m finding out that doesn’t mean all that much.
The sad thing is that i never learned to like Selina as her own self, just as who she was when she was with me, and now that i get to observe her without me and with me (but not with me) i’m finding out that i don’t like anything about her at all. Today i totally blew up at her in the middle of our fraternity car wash (i’ll get to that…) to the point where i think some of the other members got inbetween us in case i decided to go berserk and pummel her. Honestly, it’s like now that i have resolve about never wanting to be back with her and knowing that she’s moved on to someone else, i don’t feel as though i have to treat her delicately or pull any punches. She’s honestly no one i’d ever be able to be friends with, and i honestly think i can manage to dislike her. Maybe just if i try real hard…
I wasn’t allowed to sing along to songs on the radio at points while dating her because my pitch wasn’t good enough for her. That’s one of the meanest things anyone’s ever done to me. Last night she told me in the middle of a party that i “was allowed to sing to Ani songs, but not to that song” and i just turned around and told her to shut up. The ironic part? For all of her many talents, Selina is far and away not one of the better singers i know. She goes flat every run-through of her song with the a capella group and she can’t sight read her parts – and she’s so busy bitching about her many inabilities and issues that i learn the parts from shutting my mouth and opening my ears before she ever even tries to read the music.
Sorry you’re having to read all of this … there’s really no point. Or maybe there is … i hold all of the cards; i don’t like her, i don’t want to be nice to her, and i no longer feel belittled by any of her talents. I know now that i don’t have to like everyone, even if it makes me look bad. And, honestly, i don’t look all that bad.