Crushing Krisis

Comic Books, Drag Race, & Life in New Zealand

flirt

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So, hi, i’m sortof … on the prowl right now. Like, not as though i’m walking the streets checking people out or anything, but i have interest. This is a massive change from approximately a week ago when i wanted to be left wholly alone. Hi, i’m totally bipolar. Meanwhile, in these stupid plays we’re doing, i have to make out in both with the same person. This we had established. However, what we hadn’t established is that the girl i have to suck face with is the emotional carbon copy of Selina, and that our relations are quickly breaking down to the sort of call-and-response deadly bitchiness where Selina and i left off. Seeing as we need chemistry and stuff, this is not the best situation in the entire world.

Tonight i came to the decision that more people need to actively dislike me. A lot of people are very indifferent to me, and a few people have a mild distaste for me, but no one wholly dislikes me and in my own experience that’s a bad sign. Am i so underwhelming that no one has formed a strong opinion on me? In high school i was loud, opinionated, and socially fearless. Now i’m of medium volume, strong preferenced, and socially timid. This whole year should be… interesting.

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/07/4845231/

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It’s funny. Really. Just laugh.

I find myself emotionally rather pathetic. I mean, i have my own soap-opera running daily in my head with me as every major male character so i can try on various romantic possibilities for size, but they’re really all just possibilities – as many as anyone else has. Today, does Peter elope with Catherine? Or, will Peter break up with Joan when he finds out that she’s been cheating on him with Peter? And, Peter and Jessica’s wedding! On the next “Crushing Krisis!” But, anyhow, moreso on the notify list then on here i just posted my little romantic peevishness and suddenly i’m Fabio or Brad Pitt or something. And, it’s funny, because generally i view myself as the incredibly pathetic and unromantic entity, but apparently i’m painted as a much more dashing figure via this log … no surprise, since these are words piped directly from my head. I paint myself approximately as much as a loser as Brian Krakow from My So-Called Life, and everyone i know had a crush on him as a character even though they wouldn’t give him the time of day within the teevee show. I think you get the point.

I sometimes forget the allure of personal experience on the internet… people flock to stories about flirting and kissing and sex like sharks following the scent of blood on the water. So, hungry much?

I have kissed three and one half people in my life, and that is not to say that i have a thing for midgets. Shortly after my first kiss i had the half-kiss, which was a kiss with full intent but no tongue. Thus, i count it as half a kiss. Person three was sortof random for a kiss, but not at all nondescript and it was with someone who i like very much as a person, so i don’t really mind it. So, there we stand at two and a half kisses. The thing is, they happened in a very isolated period of time, and i have yet to go into it any deeper than that and things are staying that way. It was not that i was a hunk; it was a total fluke, and combined they probably only count for one kiss, as each of them were rather isolated events inside of their own isolation.

We all know that my fourth kiss was Selina, and i don’t need to really delve to much into that as you can easily scope out the situation via the archives. My first kiss with Selina was the most timid peck on the lips ever and to this day it makes me wince not because of what it resulted in but because it was a very naive thing and it just shows that i never quite know what i’m getting into as i’m getting into it. The kisses got distinctly better as the weeks went on, and then they ended (without a single relapse, which is unusually healthy for a person with a personality as addictive as mine). And so began my last few months of drought.

By my 20th birthday i’ll have kissed a fifth person, because i can hardly put off practicing my multiple stage-makeouts with my co-star until opening night, but it’s not because of that that i bring all of this ridiculousness. I bring it up because i feel that there is potentially another kiss in my relatively near future. Yes, i’m sitting here worrying about kissing someone – i have every right to, since i don’t think any of the other circumstances were exactly normal in nature, so i’m still awaiting my first relatively normal kiss where i’m not entirely worried that i’m going to do something stupid and unattractive. If we were to include my myriad of “almost kisses” into the equation i would be safe and typical, but that’s why i have a song called “almost” and then another one called “typical” : so you can see that i write the same damned love song for every almost gone by, and that it’s rather typical of me.

So, anyway, eventually i have to learn how to lean into someone without feeling like i’m simply interrupting their day. I suppose that’s the whole point. And, look, i shed some fresh blood along the way. Bleh. Why am i allowed to have one of these things?

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/07/4699459/

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Flirting occasionally comes from the most unexpected sources. I could’ve listed to you a handful of girls who i was interested in on new years day, but it wasn’t any of those girls that i wound up with later that month; it was Selina. So, now i have these running lists upon lists of girls who just maybe might be some sort of girl i can connect with, and then someone else comes from relatively out of the blue and i play her songs about Selina and talk about how i was too thin in high school and she tells me i’m dynamic or something. I don’t know anything. This is more time than i’ve spent with Matt ever, and his friend, and this is all very interesting. I’ll have to employ some hindsight tomorrow to talk about it… except will it be hindsight or will it be some sort of midsight? I don’t know. I’m tired. Goodnight.

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/07/4633116/

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Meanwhile, though i had nothing interesting to say to any of you this weekend, some things transpired. First, i finished the four instrumental pieces i was recording for Bill’s show that’s opening in Washington this week, which means i have a shot at playing at the Philly Fringe Fest. They sound very good, especially “Occasionally,” which is a Melissa Etheridge song sung simply to her beating on her guitar like a drum. I wrote a very Melissa arrangement for it on guitar and it sounds lovely and i might do it for the page tomorrow night if i get bored. Also, i was on PuppetMaster constantly this weekend because Ernie and Belinda were out camping and Bertie was galavanting around Washington DC with her exgirlfriend and Marissa. So, basically, it was just me and the puppets for 48hours. It’s not just that i get off on being the sole source of archival information for two whole game-days, i love how they all actually pay attention to my snarky little commentary and interact with me. But, anyway, today we lost Pete, who was by-far my favourite contestant in all possible ways (to read and to speculate about. But, i hardly hit on him at all. We left that to tom). So, i was a busy little bee this weekend between guitar playing, and hitting on imaginary people, and drowning.

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/07/4459587/

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Almost-kisses are some of the worst things in the world, but generally not a terrible idea in retrospect. Bodies twisted with hands braced against each other and noses touching in their own tiny eskimo kiss so that you can feel the breath pass from her mouth to yours and then you feel that cellular-level inertia telling you that this is supposed to be a kiss but your brain maintains control of your locomotion and a minute later you are just talking again.


I don’t know how much i like my brain. For every almost-kiss i’ve participated in there’s been some pretty shitty consequences to be had in exchange for a kiss, but sometimes it might be worth consequences. However, sometimes almost is enough. And sometimes i might just be an idiot. But, at least i’m an idiot with a brain.

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/06/4317521/