Crushing Krisis

Comic Books, Drag Race, & Life in New Zealand

Archives for January 2001

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You might point out with an ironic tinge to your tone that i pour out my heart here, and that’s why i feel so lacking in the rest of my life, but most of what i say here is the sort of thing you find out in the first ten minutes of conversation with me every day. I’m sorta just here… no awful inner conflicts or anything, just standing here. I almost want to feel the piercing pain of my broken bone again just to remind me what the difference is between hurt and happy, and so i have something to talk about. Feel free to point that out to me the next time i bitch about getting hurt…

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/01/1888993/

Trio: Season 1, #13

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There’s a new Trio on the sidebar. I didn’t really mean to take so much time off from it, as i mentioned last week, but i did. Today i spent a lot of time in the recording studio working on a dubbing project, and after listing to the results i’m starting to think that Trio’s going to have to drastically change it’s tact or just fade away. I absolutely cannot make a satisfactory recording anymore standing here at my computer; my songs are not about planting my feet firmly and strumming anymore. now they feature quiet to loud dynamics and bouts of near-whisper by both my voice and my guitar. Today i picked that all up in stunning digital audio, and it made me feel so powerful. You could hear my attack on the microphone, and the pick scraping against my bottom string, and the bass thump of my fist against the bridge of my guitar. I recorded an impromptu Trio … songs i’ve played already for the webpage but in rompingly fun versions that pulsed and buzzed. I’m going to look into doing digital audio transfers onto disc or wav, because after that day in the studio recording here made me plainly sad. Still, this week’s Trio is something special… the elusively classic “Falling Down,” a new Madonna cover, and the sentimental “never say goodbye” (reportedly an audio homage to Ani DiFranco, but then, isn’t everything i play?). Listen! I promise to work on better audio quality in the meantime.

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It’s funny, but when i visit other blogs that are mostly written in first person and talking about typically journal-y things, i immediately turn and surf away. I’m not sure what exactly turns me on about a weblog, but my sidebar can easily display to you what my current turn ons are. Do you ever wonder if you’d find yourself attractive? I mean… forget all about your gender, and even your appearance. Strip away that paper maché covering around your soul and then ask yourself … “do i like this person?” I wonder if we’d be very surprised by the answers…

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/01/1888907/

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A search through my archives for the word ‘girlfriend’ comes up nearly empty-handed, and certainly the finds it makes are irrelevant. I said somewhere a few months ago that i just wasn’t ready to make room for anyone else in my life, but i think at this point i need to make room for someone. As it is right now, i have all of these friends who i love very dearly, but hardly any of them feel as close as i want them to be. None of them are a person i’d confide in, because frankly i have nothing to confide. I’m so extroverted within my circle of friends that there aren’t any hidden impulses for me to divulge in late night phone conversations or in the back of class. I wear my heart on my sleeve and it’s left my chest empty. So, maybe i need to make room and find someone, anyone, so that i can feel truely close to someone again. But… how can i get close when i’ve got nothing of my own to give back except my ears? That might be enough to keep someone else around, but it isn’t enough to keep me…

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/01/1888869/

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I am missing something very tangible and yet totally unknown to me. I do well in school, my financial situation is okay, i have great friends, … and yet right now i just feel trapped inside my own life. Maybe it’s just a beginning of the term depression as i see 10 fresh weeks of schoolwork stretch out in front of me, but i don’t want to play this stupid game anymore. There isn’t a liberal arts class at Drexel that can truly challenge me, and i don’t want to be a scientist. Aside from needing to learn more history in general and of art i could literally leave school today and do Journalism just as well as i’ll be able to do it in four years. I don’t need to take a public speaking class, which is the only applicable one i managed to schedule for this term because upperclassmen have scheduling preference over me. But, does it really make a difference? I glossed through every communications class i’ve had so far without even trying to work and my in-major gpa is higher than 3.5.

But, it’s not really about classes, is it? Or, it isn’t just classes. I fill my plate with so many different things because in the end i’m not doing any of them. Maybe that’s why i adore and despise the theatre so much: i can’t fake it, and i actually have to work for it. Anything else right now pales in comparison, and i am looking towards tomorrow night’s rehearsal like a beacon, because tomorrow day will be meaningless and empty. Tomorrow night i will get to have a skill, and to work to better it. Tomorrow night i will be on stage and i will feel like a person. The theatre will be empty, but it won’t matter at all.

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/01/1888822/