“What are you doing?”
“Hooking up Super Nintendo?”
“Why?”
“Because it’s what i do when i’m sick.”
“I knew you’d say that.”
“Do you know how to play Secret of Mana?”
by krisis
Archives for March 2002
My fan is acting in the place of crickets and i peck as softly as i can at the keys. She yells at me for beating on her keyboard sometimes, because i seem to be under the impression that the harder i type the more effective my words will be. She’s asleep, i think, and here i am being gentler with my own keyboard than i usually am with hers.
The fan is acting in the place of crickets because everything has been rendered silent by the cool air it is pulling in from outside, with just enough chill in it to remind me that it’s not quite spring yet. I love wrapping myself up in that air and my blankets, but i am always sorry for it in the morning when i am redressed in a scratchy throat and dewy skin.
Erika has disappeared for the night. Lindsay has flown off to another state entirely. The neighbor has his lights off and his blinds closed. Kat is across the house from here, silent if not asleep. The fan and my tiny clacking keys are the only sounds in this room other than breath slowly sighing, and when i remember to breathe. It is only me that’s left to tiptoe to my bed, careful not to interrupt this perfect peace i have found myself situated within.
Muchly appreciated.. By the way, if you find yourself linking to me and me not ever acknowledging it, it’s probably because you don’t click through your own link to get to my page. I’m not psychic, you know…
So, hi, it’s fucking spring outside with a vengeance. I just thought it’d share.
This has just been… whacky, lately. I mean, not to meta-blog more than i typically do, but the whole point of this is what i’m crushing on. It’s about those awkward moments, tremendous failures, and tiny victories. But, what happens when this is my awkward moment? What happens if my life is sailing smoothly elsewhere and this is the moment of doubt and trepidation, where i don’t know what to do or what to say?
Last year i kept Selina a virtual secret from my blog the entire time we dated … i’m not entirely sure why. I know it was because i didn’t like that my friends were coming here for news about my life rather than asking me about it personally. And, i know it was because i wanted to have something all for myself, separate from this. And, i was boring as hell. Now i don’t want to be boring, though, because this isn’t boring. There are things i want to say about it.
So…
::deep breath::
So, today we were walking down the street — me on my way to work and she on her way to an entirely late breakfast — and we were laughing and holding hands and i caught myself thinking dear god, we’re every annoying couple at every party and on every walk down the street that i’ve ever encountered. Somehow, though, from the inside it doesn’t seem so offensive … and it’s something i used to be entirely opposed to; i don’t think it’s the public’s business who i’m kissing at any given point in time — which has a lot to do with not talking about it on here too often, i guess. But, there comes a point when the kiss is more important than who is going to see it.
We usually kiss goodbye on the corner of 33rd and Chestnut, but today she had to walk further down the street and i was still on my way to the Main Building. Kissing her halfway down the block was odd … like i had missed hitting my mark on stage, but that the scene still worked. Worked out perfectly.
It might as well be the first day of spring It definitely feels like it. Do you think so?
I am surprised when i do anything well.
I just got back from my voice jury … my hands did not tremble, i did not quake. I smiled. I sang the easier of my two songs first, letting my voice fall into the slack of the piano accompaniment — getting all of the unsureness out of my system. Better to be unsure on the easy one and powerful on the harder. And, so, without much ado, i was.
I am not perfect — it’s something that i’ve come to terms with over the years. But, sometimes i do things right, and when i do those things i am perfect for one barely measurable moment, and i am living from one of those moments to the next right now.