Crushing Krisis

Comic Books, Drag Race, & Life in New Zealand

krisis

Krisis has been creating Crushing Krisis since 2000, writing songs since 1996, and reading comics since 1991. He is a Customer Success and Digital Brand Strategy executive, serial organizer, parent, and feminist, among other things. Based in Philly through 2017, he now resides in Wellington, NZ.

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For Creative Writing i had to put together a portfolio of all the work i did this quarter, and at the last minute i decided to substitute some recent lyrics in place of a second free-verse that i wasn’t especially pleased with. Theoretically this was entirely fair game, but the thing about my lyrics is i didn’t really revise their content so much as i revised the context in which i used them. So, teacher’s pet that i am, i turned in a cd along with my final portfolio. On it were the following four songs… first grabbed out of their respective trio appearances, and then in these more essential versions.

Until You Awake – This is a song that was always meant to be delicate and intricate, but i never got the chance to strike the right balance in my previous attempts at it. Here is sounds nearly as i imagine it… cascading and balanced. I’m very happy with it.

(just an) Excuse – This is actually the original demo of the song, predating this season’s first Trio. However, it displays some of the directions it was meant to go in a little more accurately than subsequent recordings because here i had more time to prep the guitar-sound and recording range. This isn’t evolved the way “Awake” is; instead, it is more of a suggestion of where the song could be going.

Tangling – This is like a tease of a song… quiet and faded around the edges where the song is usually rambunctious and crackling. The reduction does it some amount of good … you can more easily see what i’m trying to achieve without having to look past the clipped microphone and stressed vocal chords. “Tangling” could very well be the simplest thing i’ve ever written — a sort of retro Beatles-imitation that pits that nebulous concept of “word on the street” against the notorious unnamed “girl.” I know for sure that i like the song, but i suppose the whole point is going to be where i go with it; this could be your only chance to hear it without having to be pulled in all of the various directions i’m trying to go in.

Tangled – Written as a twin to “Tangling,” this song got lost in the rush that was vying for a spot on Trio, yet somehow managed to turn up this week in (what felt like) an incredibly solid rendition (considering i had only played it once, previously). This version is perhaps more tentative then the Trio recorded the day before; it wasn’t meant for display the way the Trio was. This is a more static version, less magnetic … i am settling into the space of the song instead of filling them up so they can be better heard. It’s a simple thing, and much like “Tangling” it’s eventually going to become more about what i can add than about what i can strip away. For now, though, it’s as bare as the day it was born.

This is a nearly definite third of the material that i’ll be recording whenever i finally haul my ass back into the studio, and i’ve tried to distill it down to the most basic of its elements. As such, anything you might have to say about it will be welcome.

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/12/7777772/

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Sometimes my life is a town with a population of just one. It’s like living in Bumblefuck. It’s a hard thing, being the only voice and face i can hear and see for miles on end is my own. There’s only so much you can be in love with yourself; after that it gets a little lonely.

On Thursday it occurred to me for just a moment that maybe it was the loneliness that was getting to me more than anything else — that last week’s forced quarantine from anyone i cared about had left me feeling empty and alone. That my happiness is just a reflection of how happy i make other people. So, for the last three days i have given myself up to the people i love, without my typical hemming and hawing about the where and why of the situation. Thursday i sat and talked about things i never usually say. Friday i spent the entire night with someone who i value so much that i sometimes forget to even see them. Last night i sat on the floor at our brother-apartment down the street and ate dinner with over a dozen of my closest friends, and for once it felt like we were all there together and not just like we were scattered around talking like any usual party. It wasn’t a party; i know because i wasn’t miserable in the least.

My question is, how long can not being miserable in the least last? Does this mean i have to surround myself with other people all the time so that i don’t have the chance to think about myself at all? I’ve seen what happens… i eventually lose track of myself inside all of the pleasantries, and i wind up locking myself in my room with my guitar for an entire weekend to sort out my feelings. But, i don’t want to do that… i don’t want to be miserable or too inundated with happiness or feeling the need to be alone or any of it. I want to feel Balanced, and to do whatever i want to do regardless of any emotional indications of desperation or otherwise at the given time.


It remains to be seen if i can manage it.

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/12/7776784/

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I’ve been having an ongoing conversation with a reader who actually listens and responds to my Trios named Grant since i got out of the hospital, and it’s brought something about myself to light that is central to my current unhappiness. In short, i am imprecise. It isn’t because i lack attention to detail, or the intelligence or skill to see such details through, but because they require too much time and energy. Why do i like to act but not to do shows at Drexel? Because i like the thought of acting as getting on stage and portraying a character, but i don’t like doing the same lines and the same movements the same way every time.

Of course, in almost any semi-professional theatre the entire point is to assimilate the direction and be able to replay it in a consistent fashion. Last night the roomies and I went to see Les Liaisons Dangereuses at the Wilma Theatre, and i was in awe of not only the acting that i saw, but the very precise physicality of the acting. The flounces, the scoffs, the deep breaths … all things that add tremendously to a performance, and all things i tend to gloss over without noticing.

I don’t pretend to be much of an actor; in fact, i quite hate it. Looking back at all of the shows that i’ve done i cannot honestly say that i enjoyed a single role that i’ve portrayed. In each occasion my happy memory is connected to the people i produced a show with rather than my performance itself. As such, i can hardly fault myself for not enjoying the intracies of acting … i simply don’t give a shit.

Where Grant comes is is my songwriting. I might claim to hate acting, but i don’t think anyone can be convinced that i dislike writing and performing my own music; in fact, most of the time it would seem to be the only thing i like to do. Grant has been listening to my songs in in his last email he posed the following question: What do i have against finger-picking? My composing is, almost as a rule, devoid of all riffing and picking unless it’s been specifically inserted. In fact, any song of mine that has acquired a set pattern of picking is by definition in a higher stage of evolution than a song without (see Under My Skin vs. Tangling, or an older Never Say Goodbye vs. its demo version).

My first response to the question was simple: i don’t like to finger-pick. It’s something i’m capable of, but if you listen to my musical influences they are not fluttery pickers — i don’t like the shimmery sound of it. However, there are a vast majority of Peter Mulvey and Ani DiFranco songs where they punch out precise riffs in the midst of their frantic strumming, and of late these riffs have been absent from my songs (examples of which can be found in Lost or Bridge). Suddenly my defense just isn’t; in the past i’ve riffed and rocked, so why don’t i do it all the time?

I don’t know where i was going with this. I don’t fingerpick; i don’t like to fingerpick. I don’t act; i don’t like to act. So, if i’m not doing the things i don’t like, why am i so miserable?

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/12/7703915/

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The sneaky sun was just spying over my shoulder, trying to catch a glimpse of what i was furtively typing down tucked behind my absent boss’s desk. Nothing special, i assure it, and clack away.


Last night was a peculiar sort of emptiness that i have every so often, and even though i feel that same vacancy inside of my life today i do not feel that same desperation. That’s what makes my misery so very complete — the desperation of knowing that nothing matters at all and that i can’t seem to change any of it.

I’m sorry if i offended anyone yesterday by saying that no one’s concerns about me mattered … i’m not trying to belittle your emotions, i’m just pointing out that not even concerned loved ones were really making a dent in the place where i was. Or, where i am. But, things about today are subtly different … suddenly, those hard fought papers and tests began to mean something to me again, because one of my teachers went beyond just assigning me a grade and a number. I suppose that’s the difference between something mattering or not … whether or not i have any context to go along with it.

The sun set back behind some clouds, so i can get back to work. That sneaky thing… brightening my day from just over my shoulder.

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/12/7673950/