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Creative

May 30, 2002 by krisis

Sometimes it’s hard to think of myself as a musician when i’m not making any music. With my jettison of the tonsils impending i’ve been trying not to get too wrapped up in playing music & singing because i know that i’ll be out of commission for at least two weeks after the fact.

I didn’t have any warning when i broke my collarbone, and the following month with music was a horror; i had to sit with my back perfectly aligned to a concrete wall to even have a chance to fret chords, and anything out of first position was met with the indescribable discomfort of the internal versions of nails on a chalkboard. By the time i was healed enough to play again i had lost any sort of direction i had in July, and i had forgotten the chords to “Lost” to boot. It took nearly a month before i started writing and playing again, but what came then spoke for itself: “Will It Ever Come,” “Punk,” “One Way,” and others i can’t recall from the top of my head.

So, i’ve been ignoring my guitar, and it’s been hard. Worse is that i’ve suddenly become surrounded by gigging guitarists, professional vocalists, and one friend who is months away from a major lable deal. It’s become hard to stand in the middle of all of that with my impending loss of voice and to assert that, yes, someone should listen to me. When the blue layout went up i neglected to even add a Trio bar onto it – i haven’t done one since before i began the layout.

Somehow, despite this hiatus, last Thursday two songs happened. They caught me unaware.

https://crushingkrisis.com/2002/05/85130288/

Filed Under: singing, thoughts

May 20, 2002 by krisis

I was singing at the time.

I am getting used to her “hold it” as she tightens the focus and adjusts her shutter speed. I am beginning to learn to breathe down through my chest so that its expansion doesn’t ruin my pose. At the time i was just on Walnut street, though, with my extra black dress shirts slung over my shoulder.

So far Elise has mostly taken my picture while i’ve been playing guitar, or reaching for my guitar, or relaxing after having played my guitar. Last night was just me and the shirts, and a single red tie. Somehow the thought of it was a little threatening, as if i’m not worth photographing while i’m not running through my rock-star routine – which comes through alright in photographs even if it doesn’t sound up to par in person.


I needed to feel worthy of her photographs, and so i had my demo playing on my headphones during my walk to her room. I was really listening hard – wrapping my mind not around the lyrics and the guitars that are so familiar to be but around the arrangements that sprung up in the studio… the subtle changes i made to the songs on the fly that created the solid front they produced on the record rather than the random chance that they might turn out well when i play them live. I was wrapping my mind around the concept that i am worth listening to beyond the immediacy of my rhyming and strumming.

Somewhere inside of that thought i began to sing… not singing along with my record, but singing with it; adding harmony where i was too naive to place it when it was recorded, adding subtle changes in lyrics to deepen the songs that weren’t fully realized at the time. Just singing… singing out, singing loud …to songs that no one else on the street knew at all.

I’ve learned to turn off my peripheral vision in moments like that so as to ignore the bemused glances i draw from passers by, but i could hardly ignore the rumpled man on his ten speed bike keeping pace beside me. I am a jaded Philadelphian at best, and a guardedly hostile one at worst, and so when he motioned for me to take off my headphones i was hardly expecting anything other than him asking for directions or money. Possibly both. I slowed down a little, almost maliciously, since he would have an even tougher time maintaining balance on two wheels at such a slow speed. I offered him my attention.

“You should be a singer.”

“I am.”

Headphones back on, speed increased, and by the time he was out of my peripheral vision again i had paused just long enough to realize that i had said what i said not to put him off, but because i meant it. I was listening to honest proof that i am a singer, and was singing along. I am a singer.

Half a block later he waved again for me to take off my headphones. “I didn’t mean to be smart with you or anything, i just think you have a nice voice. You should sing.”

I replied with just as much ease as the first time: “I know. It’s just… that i am. I do. But, thank you.”

I am miles away right now, but she’s got my essence on paper right in front of her face.

https://crushingkrisis.com/2002/05/85103545/

Filed Under: elise, self image, singing, Year 02

May 10, 2002 by krisis

Ambient room noise is just the computers hissing at us with quiet piano from my headphones down the line. We are clackers, typing, sleepy, sniffling, dutifully moving from one record to the next. It’s hard to care about anything that’s in front of you at a quarter to three on Friday, even harder when you’re busy caring about anything else. There is only one voice inside here (tangled in the ivory piano threads), though in the hallway the construction crew are chatterattertattering about vans and pounds and heavy things.

I seem to have lost my voice – not in the traditional sense. I can speak. However, i cannot seem to sing. Every time i move past my safest three notes tucked into the lower middle of the treble staff it’s as if my throat is collapsing upon itself so as to resist anything that could be construed as a beautiful noise coming out. I am shackled to my tinny falsetto… sounds like all of our bad dance classics records singing out from the tiny headphones connected to their turntables, but i could only wish for that tactile needle-noise in the back of my throat. Instead i get a dull and angry throb that i have learned to almost taste.

The quiet piano has given way entirely to a wondering vocal: love you, love you not? I was up and out at eight in the morning today, and my eyes shot the world through a different speed of film than i’m used to. How can they let in so much light?

https://crushingkrisis.com/2002/05/85078123/

Filed Under: rk.com, singing

April 25, 2002 by krisis

Hi; i rock. Not as much as Jason rocks, but i definitely got some rock on.

Nobody wanted to step up to the microphone first so i bit the bullet and took the stage only to be informed that, no, the tech crew didn’t have any way to plug my guitar into anything electrical. They had lots of microphones though; would i like some microphones?

The whole think stank of their horrible tech set-up from last year, which nearly turned me off to performing in front of people altogether. But, i persevered – twisting my body halfway around so that i could aim my guitar into one microphone and sing into another. It was hellish, i was uncomfortable, and i was too distracted to hit the high notes. I was not the happiest camper in the room.

After slinking off the stage i slipped the tech guys the following note: “PLEASE can i have a 1/4 inch connection for my set. Please? :( ”

It’s amazing what little sad-faces drawn in blue pen can get you when asking nicely and smiling has already failed.

After a few other performers Jason and I were up, and i’m sure our odd parade of a small jittery songwriter and a quietly charming cello player was met with some puzzled glances. I was personally too busy fawning over the quarter inch adapter that had been scared up for me and Jason’s attempts to make a coffee shop chair compatible with his special brand of cello-rock.

Up first was “Lost,” which we held down nicely despite a few guitar flubs on my part. Jason’s cello on “Lost” is awesome because it’s a riff totally separate from the song, and it’s always very surprising to me to hear how it blends. Our second song was prefaced with something near “Maybe i should tune and then play. Do you think? I thought it might be endearing of me to play a cover song, and so i chose something i’m sure you all really like and now i’m going to destroy it. It will involve screaming. Jason will continue to be lovely.”

And, thus, we launched into a nearly flawless version of “Say It Ain’t So” that involved very little screaming and much head-bobbing in the audience. Let me take this opportunity to remark – once again – that Jason is amazing and that i sortof just stared at him while he played the entire guitar solo over on the part of the stage that totally lacked a guitar.

Sensing an opening, i did a brief strip-tease and then dove into “Under My Skin,” which was met with happy faces by all sorts of crowd-members who very generously made sure that i didn’t sing the same verse more than once. Afterwards we took a very competent stab at Ani’s “Gravel” until i decided to lyrically revise the second verse approximately two chords before the start of said verse. But, we definitely rocked the house down (and Jason mocked me a ton behind my back while i was being silly towards the audience, including a comment regarding angry lesbians just previous to Gravel).

But, anyway, i was a little mini-rock-star for a quarter of an hour and even though i flubbed a bunch i was actually good on the whole – which is a new feeling for me and my guitar. Maybe i need to bring more people up on stage with me next time…

https://crushingkrisis.com/2002/04/85036968/

Filed Under: elise, performance Tagged With: Ani DiFranco, q.o.d., weezer

April 25, 2002 by krisis

No time to talk; i have to go rehearse for tonight’s Open Mic. Quick question for you: Tomorrow i’ll probably be seeing Garbage for the first time in almost four years. Since i’m going extra-early, i might get a chance to meet and chat with the band like i did last time. If i meet the band, should i give them a three-track sampling from my demo cd? Is this too presumptuous? I only want them to hear my music, not make me famous – however, they aren’t at all a big influence on my writing even though they are my favourite band. Please register a yes or no.

https://crushingkrisis.com/2002/04/85036459/

Filed Under: my music Tagged With: Garbage

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