Crushing Krisis

Comic Books, Drag Race, & Life in New Zealand

identity

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I’m starting to feel like a real person. I have friends, i go places, i spend money … all things real people do. I had this spectacular conviction a few months ago that i was completely two-dimensional, and no one could convince me otherwise until Selina. Selina turned me into a real person who honestly believes in their life, and now everything i do has an extra dimension where before it was just flat. And, people are actually responding to me – because i believe i’m worth responding to now.

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/03/2838248/

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I spoke with my mom about Selina for the entire ride to the mall. She was proud that i was “adult enough” to break up even though it would have been easier (and happier) for me to stay put. She thinks in hindsight this will all make sense, but what she can’t understand is how unworthy i’ll feel. Selina pointed out in her journal today how beautiful and talented she is … and i agree wholeheartedly. Being with her made me feel wanted, because she actually wanted me, and i needed that in my life for once. The other side of the coin is that i won’t ever know if i’m worth anything to anyone else if i were to stay with her, and i have to know that. I spent so long as someone no one could care enough about to spend that much time with, and at once i’m afraid that Selina’s the only person who would ever like me and hopeful that she was just able to find the traits in me that anyone else could find. It’s not that i want more (more girls, more attention, more devotion, ect) … i just need to know.

Of course, since i can hardly explain it to you i could hardly express it to my mother. She has the eyes of a mother, and couldn’t possibly imagine why anyone wouldn’t like me. Little does she know about all the inadequacy and worthlessness and whatnot i’ve gone through and how Selina changed all of it. And, of course, as soon as i found that i got rid of it.


I guess it’s just getting harder and harder for me to accept us being broken up as we’re apart more and more; i wanted to cheat the process and be able to talk to her every day and see her once a week, and now she’s not even thinking of me and that makes me feel like i’m totally worthless all over again. I suppose i do want to hang us up in relationship limbo, which is nothing but unfair to her. I don’t want to regret missing out on college because i was stuck in a contentious relationship, but i don’t want to finish college knowing that she was the one and i was too selfish to ever realize it. Either way, i’m stuck. Hopefully this way i’ll actually learn something about myself…

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/03/2813225/

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I literally ran into Laurel in the middle of the street the other day, and we talked for a while (after removing ourselves from the traffic flow). I don’t know about what. She said that i’ve come out of my shell (i made sure to clarify that “shell” didn’t have anything to do with “closet,” and she assured me that everyone was quite sure i was still inside of that), and while i first i was a little offended (Did she mean to imply i was some sort of corner-lurking little dweeb? I mean… moreso than i actually am?) as the conversation ebbed and flowed i saw that i really didn’t seem like the same person i was a few months ago. One of my other theatre friends recently commented that she couldn’t have lived with “the me from last year,” but she could definitely live with me now.


I feel like i should spend time staring in the mirror after comments like these to try to see what’s different, but i think that’s something the old-me would do. Maybe the new me isn’t such an obvious narcissist…

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/03/2806952/

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Today is my last day at the coffee shop; just another tiny end-parentheses in the string of open ones i’ve managed to create in my life. The funny thing is, i open a lot more things than i close. Maybe it’s just the packrat within me, but being the drama-king that i am i always thought that i really did sever as many ties as i’ve made. But, i haven’t. I don’t end friendships, or memberships, or hobbies, or anything. Sometimes some of them get put on hold for a little while to make room for other things, but nothing ever goes away; i still have boxes upon boxes of comic books at home and a years-old saved campaign of StarCraft on my computer. So, the feeling of something ending is strange to me – powerful and relieving and bittersweet. No more free bagels. No more trying to entice customers with free music. No more coming home with the scent of ground coffee and too-sweet pastry ground into my fingerprints.

Off to work i go…

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/02/2358316/

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Ack, i’m awful, aren’t i. I’ve been pretty shitty towards y’all lately and i haven’t really been explaining myself so much as i’ve been continuously apologizing, and that isn’t especially fair. For those of you who haven’t caught on, i am currently a blogger over at SurvivorBlog2, where i’m revealing all sorts of dirty little details that i’d never say here. So… you can go read it, but i’m not nearly as nice there as i am here so brace yourselves.

Or, maybe the problem is how nice i am here. Yes… that’s right, y’all have pushed me into that awful web-journal corner where too many people i’m afraid to offend have access to this site and i don’t have anything cutting to say anymore. Argh. I’m in a terrible mood. Go read something else. Or don’t. I should probably go to sleep eventually. Thanx for reading.

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/01/2031247/