Crushing Krisis

Comic Books, Drag Race, & Life in New Zealand

introversion

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A search through my archives for the word ‘girlfriend’ comes up nearly empty-handed, and certainly the finds it makes are irrelevant. I said somewhere a few months ago that i just wasn’t ready to make room for anyone else in my life, but i think at this point i need to make room for someone. As it is right now, i have all of these friends who i love very dearly, but hardly any of them feel as close as i want them to be. None of them are a person i’d confide in, because frankly i have nothing to confide. I’m so extroverted within my circle of friends that there aren’t any hidden impulses for me to divulge in late night phone conversations or in the back of class. I wear my heart on my sleeve and it’s left my chest empty. So, maybe i need to make room and find someone, anyone, so that i can feel truely close to someone again. But… how can i get close when i’ve got nothing of my own to give back except my ears? That might be enough to keep someone else around, but it isn’t enough to keep me…

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/01/1888869/

1550302

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I think everyone considers me so extroverted because of my introversion; i spend so much time spinning thoughts around in my head by myself that when i’m unleashed onto the public i’m this unstoppable whirlwind of energy and chatter. So, maybe i need all this downtime to be as happy as i am. At the same time, i don’t have as many friends right now as i did this time last year because i never see anyone. One factor in that is theatre… ugh. I don’t like to act. I am bad at it. I hate being in boring shows just because they’re what’s around to do. And one is coming up… good person of sezuan, a show i don’t like one bit. And there aren’t any characters who i want to be. And i’m going to be too busy next semester anyway. And i seem to have been drafted. To the theatre i am a warm body and a resource; the director knows i have a certain amount of potential and that i work very hard and so he basically made sure to make me agree to work in the show before i could decide if i liked it or not. So, now if i don’t show up at auditions, it’s a personal afront more than it is a statement about my opinions on the show. Isn’t life nice?

1550257

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People never believe me when i tell them i’m an introvert. How could i be? I’m the friendliest most open person in the world! This might be true, but that side of me is only available when i’m around other people, and those times are often few and far between. I have so much introvertedness in my system, probably from being an only child without any local friends to hang around with. What i wound up with is my own continuity inside of my head that no one else gets to share in. Except you. I suppose at its heart this has been about emptying the contents of my head out so that i know that someone else can hear them and recognizing, even from my first posts. The question is, … is this a healthy exercise, or does it just worsen matters? I suppose that there’s no way to tell, but in general the less i interact with other real people the worse off i am.

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Sometimes i think it’d just be easier if i sat here and just communicated with myself and the people on the computer who i can’t ever touch. Of course, songs don’t come from sitting in a room with just yourself; you at least need issues to stew over. Not that i don’t have any issues… god knows i have issues. To be shockingly honest, i should definitely see a psychologist every once and a while. But i don’t … i couldn’t. The things that make me what i am are so buried that i barely can remember them all at once, let alone rattle them off in a chronological list. But that’s not what you do at the psychologist … of course, they aren’t the great Oracle either. They can’t answer any question you can’t answer yourself, just point you in the right direction.

https://crushingkrisis.com/2000/11/1348808/