Okay, so, don’t hold me to this at a later date, but i’m really happy that my crush on Teri wound up nowhere. Any tiny kiss or single date that theoretically could have taken place in the last half year pales in comparison to the continued elation we have when we see each other or the way i like to just sit and listen to her talk about anything. I love to listen to people talk about their lives and their future, but most of the time i just feel like i prattle on endlessly about myself for lack of anything else to talk about. But, today i just got lost in a conversation about drum corps and houses in Northeast Philly and bullets and everything and by the time we got back to me all i had to talk about was how my life was just a flatline with no indication of movement in any direction up until just a handul of years ago and that i’m not really used to it yet.
I kept staring out of the window at green leaves waving like hundreds of tiny flags on the wind. I guess all you need is something to carry you along.
Personal
Leaving for work yesterday morning began a sequence of events that would leave me rushing from place to place for the entire weekend with just moments like these to catch my breath; work, rehearsal, dyke march, cast party, sleep, car wash, scavenger hunt, ushering, dinner, sleep, ushering, striking the set. Everything was going just fine until the cast party, during which a combination of all sorts of factors left me dumb and sleeping in a stupor (although i made it back here, in an example of (a very addled) mind over matter). I woke up this morning not hungover but instead still mildly drunk, which made the walk to the car wash an interesting incident. However, totally raising the average estimated value of my day was that fact that Teri decided to come all the way in from Shippensburg to hang out with our chapter of PNE for the day. Seeing as she’s about to disappear off of the face of my earth for three months, i have to say i was happy to see her. But, anyway, somewhere in there i played some hardcore ultimate frisbee, and now i have to run off to see what the rest of the night has in store for me. Should be interesting…
You know, sometimes resolve in one part of a song is just a bridge to more tension in the rest of it (which is really what “Bridge” is about musically and lyrically). Remember when i said i had resolve with Selina? Well… that was resolve on our whole post-romance situation, which leaves us now just as casual friends who happen to share two common months of history. But, i’m finding out that doesn’t mean all that much.
The sad thing is that i never learned to like Selina as her own self, just as who she was when she was with me, and now that i get to observe her without me and with me (but not with me) i’m finding out that i don’t like anything about her at all. Today i totally blew up at her in the middle of our fraternity car wash (i’ll get to that…) to the point where i think some of the other members got inbetween us in case i decided to go berserk and pummel her. Honestly, it’s like now that i have resolve about never wanting to be back with her and knowing that she’s moved on to someone else, i don’t feel as though i have to treat her delicately or pull any punches. She’s honestly no one i’d ever be able to be friends with, and i honestly think i can manage to dislike her. Maybe just if i try real hard…
I wasn’t allowed to sing along to songs on the radio at points while dating her because my pitch wasn’t good enough for her. That’s one of the meanest things anyone’s ever done to me. Last night she told me in the middle of a party that i “was allowed to sing to Ani songs, but not to that song” and i just turned around and told her to shut up. The ironic part? For all of her many talents, Selina is far and away not one of the better singers i know. She goes flat every run-through of her song with the a capella group and she can’t sight read her parts – and she’s so busy bitching about her many inabilities and issues that i learn the parts from shutting my mouth and opening my ears before she ever even tries to read the music.
Sorry you’re having to read all of this … there’s really no point. Or maybe there is … i hold all of the cards; i don’t like her, i don’t want to be nice to her, and i no longer feel belittled by any of her talents. I know now that i don’t have to like everyone, even if it makes me look bad. And, honestly, i don’t look all that bad.
Somehow “I Kissed a Girl” gets slightly more ironic and tongue in cheek when i sing it to a room full of lesbians. First there’s the angle the song is meant from, and then there’s the hilarity of my singing it, and finally there’s the point where you just assume i’m the natural narrator and the song becomes about how i was supposed to marry Larry but instead i kissed a girl for the first time.
I had a good time playing for the Dyke Auction, and i sounded good. I had control over all of my own sound, so instead of flipping out about not getting my microphone to work on “Bridge” i just raised the whole song an octave so i could belt it out at the top of my lungs. Demos were to be had, and i might show my face at other dyke-y events billed as (of course) “Peter, the lesbian boy!”
Even though i’m in decent shape and i eat well, i don’t excersise very often at all. For years i’d get winded easily just playing games of soccer or jogging to a class. Recently though my body seems to be pulling together and functioning like one cohesive human unit, which is a nice change. For once i don’t just feel like a self conscious lump of flesh sitting out on the sidelines too afraid to get in on a game; today i was on the skins team in ultimate frisbee and actually made a few points on the deal. Spring is nice, (good) friends are good, and i feel like i spent quality time with myself as well as everyone else, which is a nice change.