Crushing Krisis

Comic Books, Drag Race, & Life in New Zealand

college

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After the movie we saw a friend of mine who i haven’t been in school with for over half a decade, though i saw her almost exactly two years ago this week. The last time I saw her was at the sneak-preview day for accepted students at Drexel; i remember that she was fairly sure she’d be attending a different college but she was going to be a journalism major too and we had fun catching up with each other. Later that day i wound up on the lawn of Buckley Green with Gina, Joey, and our old friend Matt. We just sat there and speculated on all the ways college would change our lives. The conversation is etched into my memory indelibly as one of those eerily foreshadowing moments that seem like they were originally found on 90210 on that last episode before they all went to college together.

Here we are two years later. At the movie theatre, when i asked how she was, she told me she had a little girl. She couldn’t find a picture of her to show me. When she asked me what my major was at Drexel i said “Journalism, still,” and she said “That was my major…” I told her to take care of herself and she smiled at me.

People shouldn’t be allowed to have sex while they’re in college. Especially the smart people.

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/03/2769069/

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I walked the distance from my apartment to my house today without ever actually getting to my house. This is not a short walk: it basically spans the entire width of Center City and cuts north and south into more residential neighborhoods. It was sunny when i finally made it out of Drexel’s campus after multiple interruptions. Two blocks from picking up my last paycheck from the coffee shop i thought i saw a spot of rain on the pavement. When i left the shop it was drizzling. When i left the first music store i had on my itinerary it was drizzling, and by the time i crossed over Market street it was pouring. The whole time i shopped on South Street it was miserable and i was damp. I regretted that i had decided to walk all the way there and prepared to catch the subway back to Drexel.

As i left the last store on my shopping excursion, the rain halted as if someone hit an off-switch. For the entirety of my walk to Market street to catch the El i felt as though the sun was a follow-spotlight that was tracking me from block to block; everything around me was lit up brighter than it was across the street or further down the block, and my shadow was thrown huge against the sidewalk. The sun actually seemed to be pointing itself right at me. I was glowing.

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/03/2768572/

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Selina has me totally conflicted right now; i was convinced at a point last night that i could never be with her again but then i talked to her in the most non-confrontational way we’ve been able to muster up this weekend, and of course now i’m not sure of anything. She’s willing to bend to what i want from the relationship, even though all of this is entirely my fault. But, it’s true that we both want totally different things from each other and from dating, so if we were to ever get back together it would have to include a serious discussion of what we expect from each other. I told her last night how next term i’m already planning to spend my impending immense free time with friends, and that i don’t know if i’d have time for her the same way i did this term.


What’s funny is that we started off as friends. The first night we ever were together we decided to be best friends, and we seemed to uphold that decision the next night. But, as the weekend progressed, i started to like her as more than a friend. Selina correctly points out that all of this is my fault, because i kissed her first. That’s rather amusing, since i hardly knew how to kiss at the time, but i did. So, she can’t be the one to blame for the fact that we added all this to being best friends, and that maybe the friendship got lost in the mix; even if it is my fault, the friendship is my favourite part. I couldn’t go back without knowing for sure that we’re friends first. But i shouldn’t go back. But we both want to go back. Is there any point in denying what we both want to do? That seems about as stupid as committing to a relationship i’m not ready for before trying to get it right with anyone else.

So, basically i’ll be an idiot no matter what i do.

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/03/2742705/

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Leaving for my Literature final in half an hour, and i’m not prepared at all. As per instructions, i prepared a thesis and detailed notes for each of the five questions she might ask us on the final, only to find huge gaps in my knowledge of two of our novels, and that one of the poems i needed was MIA from my Literature folder. Of course, there is nothing the internet is good for if not for last minute preparations for Literature tests, and i found it easy to find the text i was missing as well as a few summaries of the five novels i read for my class so that i could refresh my memory of them without trying to speed-read all five. What’s important at this point isn’t really that i have a connection to any of the work, but that i have a quantifiable opinion on it. We’ll see about that in a half hour, won’t we?…

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/03/2742574/

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Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Well, firstly, it’s been decided that my ex-girlfriend should have a monkier other than “she,” so we’ll call her Selina, as alluded to in the last post. Anyhow… Selina and i decided to talk by phone to air a few grievances, and suddenly the whole conversation swung like a pendulum from where it was this afternoon. Suddenly we were both sweet and we still liked each other, and we were polite, and we were trying to think of a way to be together without destroying each other.

My conflict is that i don’t know if her loving me is enough. I don’t want to go back just because i know she cares only to find myself trapped in six months, a year, or three years. I need to be able to believe that i’m good enough for anyone else to like me. At the same time, i’d hate to leave Selina behind because i like her so much and because she honestly likes me. But, what we just realized is that the reason she had such a devestating effect on my life is because she arrived in the absence of other priorities; the only things i was worrying about other than her were theatre and SurvivorBlog, and she wound up being involved in both of those anyhow. My guitar was forgotten, my friends neglected, and my classes failed. So, what conclusion did we just reach? Not sure… maybe that we should just be friends with benefits, or that we should just date casually and limit how much time we can actually spend together. Because, we both agree that i need to find my own life before i can make her a part of it (and i think she should do the same thing, but we never got that far in the discussion).


But, anyhow, i have a final to fail in about 9 hours, so i should be asleep. Yeah. Sure.

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/03/2739153/