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college

March 25, 2001 by krisis

While hanging out (again) with Kathe today she was working on a website for our Campus Activities Board and had forgotten to bring cds to the office with her. Of course, I came to the rescue fresh out of an incredibly dull mixing session in the recording studio, and proceeded to play the following for well over two hours: Lost Out, Punk, Deadweight, Inadequacy Song, Five Minutes, Touch, Afterglow, Falling Down, Hold On Me, Will It Ever Come?, All That’s True, A Long Time Since, Splinter, Under My Skin, Other Plans, Gravel, Both Hands, Tear In Your Hand, Never Say Goodbye, No Second Chance, World In My Hand, Typical, More Than That, Resolve, Relief, Revirginized Honey, Nothing To Say, Hide Your Eyes, Give, Burn, Make Sense, & Bridge. Yeah, that’s a lot of songs, and one or two were even omitted for time’s sake, if you could imagine. If it had been a real concert, intermission would have started after “Never Say Goodbye,” and the encore began the very rare (not played once in all of 2000) “Hide Your Eyes.” Lyrics to everything except the three covers can be grabbed from AMkitchen‘s lyric page. So… i’m all guitar-ed out for the day; my fingers are all frayed and dented and my voice is in nearly the same condition, although that tends to yield more fun results than numbed-out fingertips. Bed-time quickly approached.

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/03/2934232/

Filed Under: college, memories, performance, relief

March 25, 2001 by krisis

Last night rocked. I got sidetracked from coming home when i ran into my Battle of the Bands cohort Kathe, and instead of just grabbing a bite to eat we went out to dinner, and then back to her place to listen to music for hours. We listening to some of her cds, we listened to the three-song mixdown of my demo, and then we listened to tracks from 20 of my recent favourite cds, 10 of which she really liked. I love my success ratio! Afterwards we got drunk and sang along really well to Tori, and then we watched Chasing Amy. I had forgotten how incredibly fucking miserable the movie makes me, and you’ll all have to make sure i never watch it again. Yeah. No rewards for the viewer. Well… except for when Ben Affleck lays one on Jason Lee. That was rewarding…

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/03/2926789/

Filed Under: college, flicks Tagged With: Tori Amos

March 16, 2001 by krisis

I spoke with my mom about Selina for the entire ride to the mall. She was proud that i was “adult enough” to break up even though it would have been easier (and happier) for me to stay put. She thinks in hindsight this will all make sense, but what she can’t understand is how unworthy i’ll feel. Selina pointed out in her journal today how beautiful and talented she is … and i agree wholeheartedly. Being with her made me feel wanted, because she actually wanted me, and i needed that in my life for once. The other side of the coin is that i won’t ever know if i’m worth anything to anyone else if i were to stay with her, and i have to know that. I spent so long as someone no one could care enough about to spend that much time with, and at once i’m afraid that Selina’s the only person who would ever like me and hopeful that she was just able to find the traits in me that anyone else could find. It’s not that i want more (more girls, more attention, more devotion, ect) … i just need to know.

Of course, since i can hardly explain it to you i could hardly express it to my mother. She has the eyes of a mother, and couldn’t possibly imagine why anyone wouldn’t like me. Little does she know about all the inadequacy and worthlessness and whatnot i’ve gone through and how Selina changed all of it. And, of course, as soon as i found that i got rid of it.


I guess it’s just getting harder and harder for me to accept us being broken up as we’re apart more and more; i wanted to cheat the process and be able to talk to her every day and see her once a week, and now she’s not even thinking of me and that makes me feel like i’m totally worthless all over again. I suppose i do want to hang us up in relationship limbo, which is nothing but unfair to her. I don’t want to regret missing out on college because i was stuck in a contentious relationship, but i don’t want to finish college knowing that she was the one and i was too selfish to ever realize it. Either way, i’m stuck. Hopefully this way i’ll actually learn something about myself…

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/03/2813225/

Filed Under: adulthood, college, identity, isolation Tagged With: mom, q.o.d.

March 16, 2001 by krisis

For the record, though we only dated for two months, up until my pneumonia i was sleeping over her place three weekdays and every weekend (but hardly ever a Friday, because we would always fight on Fridays). We joked early in our second week that it already felt like we had been dating for a month or two because we were immediately so exclusive to each other, so two months taken as a whole feels easily as intense as half of a year. The relationship certainly had more impact on my than my last six months of class did … i learned more, and i failed more.

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/03/2800727/

Filed Under: college Tagged With: q.o.d.

March 16, 2001 by krisis

Finals are over. My Literature teacher somehow managed to give me a B. I finished all of my studio work. Selina went home for break. I’m sitting in the middle of the floor with my bass (turns out my amp is a bass amp … who knew?) using my suddenly reacquired magic ear to pick out bass runs from “Raspberry Swirl.” It’s a true song, you know…

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/03/2800224/

Filed Under: college, sex Tagged With: q.o.d., Tori Amos

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