Crushing Krisis

Comic Books, Drag Race, & Life in New Zealand

college

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So, yeah, theatre. First i bitched about it, and then i got sucked into it, and here i am bitching about it again. I don’t like to act. Maybe i’m good at it, and maybe i’m not, but i only really like the attention i get and being able to stand on a stage above everyone else. That’s it, though. And, yet, somehow i’ve managed to have rehearsal every night and a song i have to arrange and sing and now i’ve got to learn how to method-act my hand being crippled for half of the show. And i have to learn how to scream.

I’m thinking that last bit won’t be to hard. In the show i get struck hard with a hot curling iron, and it both breaks the bones in my hand and burns me badly. My director keeps trying to give me suggestions on how i could perfect this prolonged scream of anguish and despair, some of which were: “Haven’t you ever put your hand into a fire before?” “Go home and try pouring hot wax on yourself. I can give you some pointers on sensitive spots to try.” “Stick your head into an oven later! And make sure to vocalize through the pain.”


Good direction, isn’t it. It’s like in high school … i had to play these two brief minutes of being drunk, and i just didn’t know how to do it. I was straightedge, i was innocent, and i had no idea what alchohol did to human body. My director coaxed and fixed and pointed and when it came time for performance i still looked like some foolish kid who was a little bit dizzy. In retrospect, he should’ve just bought me a bottle of vodka and let me learn the easy way. So, i’m off to find some hot wax… yum.

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/01/2110463/

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I feel like staying at Drexel is like settling for obscurity. I will never be a rock star at Drexel. I will never be a Journalist at Drexel. I will never matter at Drexel. Is this defeatist? Maybe… but i don’t think so. I know i matter, but i just don’t know if i can make it happen here. Maybe that’s why i like the internet so much: for its ability to let me touch down in every city and town in the united states. What it comes down to is that i’m tied to Philadelphia, and the mere thought of leaving almost sends me into a fit of tears. If i transferred i would have to go to another city, and not just the outskirts of Philly or New Jersey. So, it might never happen. Justin is working on his transfer right now; last year in march i said i’d go with him. I still want to.

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/01/2098373/

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My life weebles and wobbles but it just doesn’t fall down. I can’t explain it. Despite the most awful things happening, they always turn out for the best in the end.

My mother and i were essentially kicked out of our house at the end of my Junior year by the owners because they wanted to sell it. I had lived in that house for all but three years of my life. I refused to leave. My mother wanted to buy a nice little house somewhere verging on suburbia, but there was the small matter of my attending the best highschool in the state, which i would hardly have left just for senior year. In the end i convinced her to rent a house on the verges of South Philly, because i know that when she actually buys a place it should be one she loves, not one she settles for. It was all very depressing at the time, but Senior year wound up being one of the best of my life, despite all the shitty parts. I wound up living within walking distance of Gina and Anastasia, and i could actually take a shopping trip to South Street at my leisure. I had my own room on my own tiny third floor. Our kitchen was nice. I was happy.


Lots of other things have righted themselves over the years to keep my life going at its usual pace. I only got into a local university but they gave me lots of money and inexplicably wound up happy there. I almost didn’t find an apartment (chronicled at length in the first week of the archive) but wound up in a super-cheap and easily accessible one. But, life doesn’t always work out so perfectly. For some people, it doesn’t work out at all. I have too many friends who got into a local university and got zero money who are now unhappy and in debt. I know too many people who had to move home because they didn’t figure out where to live in time for the beginning of the semester. I know too many unhappy people.

Yesterday i confronted the fact that my smile might have finally become used up. For years and years i just glided through my occasional problems with a grin pasted onto my face, because they all got fixed eventually and life moved on. Suddenly i’m starting to realize that not everything fixes itself, and that i don’t know how much good cheer i really have left to get me through the bad spots


Imagine that… i’m 19 and just learning that “happily ever after” only really happens in fairy tales and first-date movies. I’ve never had to confront the possibility before; i always assumed that bad things only happened to people who weren’t thinking positively. Now i’m starting to realize that keeping a smile on my face isn’t the best defense, and that sometimes it cuts as cruelly as any situation i might be unsuspectingly plunged into. But my life is still all-good, and that scares me. No one is continually blessed. The gods only have so much attention to give.

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/01/2097862/

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So, erm, yeah. I want to drop out of school. They aren’t teaching me anything, and when i look at my course outline i don’t see myself learning very much in the future. Maybe this means i’m supposed to change my major, or transfer to a school with a credible journalism program? I’m just so tired… i went through all this college bullshit once and none of the good places accepted me so i wound up getting my nearly straight A’s here rather than anywhere i actually wanted to go. So, now i’m tied down to the people and the campus but not to the university or the program, and with every week that passes my outlook on the future gets more and more bleak. So, now i’m barely going to my classes and hating every second of it and yet i have to do my work so everything else around me suffers, including this and theatre and battle of the bands and all the rest. I want to just be a journalist, and the funny thing is, i probably won’t even be one after i graduate.


life sucks.

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/01/2080737/

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I’ve lost touch with everything this week. I don’t think i’ve read any of my daily logs except for Re and WockerJabby, i barely ever check my email, and i’m not even on IM 24/7 like i usually am. I thought i was disguising all of this rather well on here with my inane jabber about the weather and how bipolar i am, but apparently you – the astute reader – have managed to glean a bit more information from this than i intended (or, you’ve been snooping on me over at SurvivorBlog2 even though i warned you that i’m a whorey little minx over there). For those of you who haven’t keeping up, let me present the evidence: OhMy!, a spectacle, close-up, sleeping-where?, and the self-referential allusions to things people know nothing about. So… do you know what’s going on yet?

https://crushingkrisis.com/2001/01/2056485/