Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
Well, firstly, it’s been decided that my ex-girlfriend should have a monkier other than “she,” so we’ll call her Selina, as alluded to in the last post. Anyhow… Selina and i decided to talk by phone to air a few grievances, and suddenly the whole conversation swung like a pendulum from where it was this afternoon. Suddenly we were both sweet and we still liked each other, and we were polite, and we were trying to think of a way to be together without destroying each other.
My conflict is that i don’t know if her loving me is enough. I don’t want to go back just because i know she cares only to find myself trapped in six months, a year, or three years. I need to be able to believe that i’m good enough for anyone else to like me. At the same time, i’d hate to leave Selina behind because i like her so much and because she honestly likes me. But, what we just realized is that the reason she had such a devestating effect on my life is because she arrived in the absence of other priorities; the only things i was worrying about other than her were theatre and SurvivorBlog, and she wound up being involved in both of those anyhow. My guitar was forgotten, my friends neglected, and my classes failed. So, what conclusion did we just reach? Not sure… maybe that we should just be friends with benefits, or that we should just date casually and limit how much time we can actually spend together. Because, we both agree that i need to find my own life before i can make her a part of it (and i think she should do the same thing, but we never got that far in the discussion).
But, anyhow, i have a final to fail in about 9 hours, so i should be asleep. Yeah. Sure.